Right away the girls get down to the business of modeling. The Jays ask them to strike some poses, like supermodel sexy and supermodel edgy. All of their styles look exactly the same, and I think both of the Jays know this, but it is still fun. They then ask to do some supermodel styles like Linda Evangelista, Adriana Lima (mmm), Gisele Bundchen, and finally Tyra Banks. While they are all doing their fierce Tyra impressions, out comes Ms. Banks herself, looking like she dropped a few pounds since last season, and featuring straight hair. They all love Tyra and go absolutely ga-ga. I would make fun of them more, but I would also be transformed into a worthless pile of blubbering flesh if I were to meet her in person, so we'll ease off.

Now that Tyra is here, we can start the interviews. The interviews give us a taste of who will stay and who will go because you know they aren't going to spend a lot of time on girls that aren't going to make it to the first cut, but they do have to have a little misdirection so we have to keep on our toes. Some fo the highlights include:

• Brittany - I think they always need a Brittany, but lest we get confused, they all call this Brittany Bre. Bre is from Harlem and although she isn't embarrassed about growing up there, she feels that too many people from there think that they'll never be able to find something better and so they aren't interested in anything on the outside. That's all heartwarming, but what I want to hear about is why she sometimes forgets to take a bath. Maybe she is one of those people that don't really sweat or need deodorant, but damn, you at least need to shower. To see if she's serious, Miss J. takes a direct hit.

  
  Bre's got spunk and some funk.

• Kyle - She's from Dexter, Michigan and one of the many girls who are not well traveled. She works at Dairy Queen and has not ever met a lesbian. She looks like Jessica Simpson and thinks she will be better than other people because she hasn't been abused or has any kids. And if you couldn't tell, she says that she is very open-minded, unless, of course you have been abused or have any kids.
• Kim - The open lesbian from Wesleyan (as if THAT narrows it down at all). She has this androgynous masculine edge to her that is strangely appealing.
• Jayla - A cussing, fornicating, tobacco smoking Jehovah’s Witness. As Miss J says, she is on the Jehovah layaway plan. Buy now, pray later.
• Diane - The plus-sized Puerto Rican. If you like your curves, she has got all you need, plus a sassy attitude honed as a criminal defense investigator in the public defenders' office.
• Susanna - Remember that annoying bitch who said she had no friends? I am kind of sorry I made fun of her earlier. She's 19, has had breast cancer, and had a lumpectomy/mastectomy. It's tough to have cancer and have a mastectomy at any age, but as a teenager, it compounds body image issues already present. Unfortunately, she is skinny, has chicken legs, and walks like she is getting a chemotherapy suppository. On the bright side, her boobs are so small, you can't tell she had any work done. Yay cancer!

  

We had a few breaks to see how life was like for the girls living in the hotel. It's about like you would expect. While shopping, one girl, Nicole, was obsessed with Chapstick. We're not talking oh, I have to get some chapstick, please wait for me, but full on craziness. People were shopping for necessities, but if somebody didn't talk about chapstick, she would ask if they could get the chapstick. Nicole caused more problems back at the hotel when she said that she didn't like Top Ramen. She complained that she made it wrong and it tasted bad.

First of all, how do you mess up Top Ramen? Take hot water, pour into cup. It might taste bad because, well, it's all a bunch of chemicals made to taste like other food. Second of all, why do these girls have to survive on Top Ramen? You are paying for the hotel rooms, could you at least spring for some Chunky Soup? You can even put your mom in a commercial like Donovan McNabb (yes, I know it's not his real mom). I hope they at least got a chance to have that nice Sunday Brunch Buffet the Hilton puts on.

Anyway back to some more girls:

• Sarah - You know I love girls named Sarah, but man I may have to rethink that attitude. If you can sort of imagine Darryl Hannah wearing shoulder pads and with Angelina Jolie lips, you have Sarah. She is also from a small town and also doesn't know a lesbian. Not that she isn't, ummm, curious.

  

• Whitney - From Future Farmers of America. I wouldn't have mentioned her except the judges had Mr. J get on his hands and knees like a New Hampshire pig. A pig who sits on his haunches and busts a move. Also....Future Farmers of America?! Is there also a Future Teamsters of America? I hope they aren't getting tax money.
• Krystle - She says she wants to make money and help the UN. She hates materialism and shows it by her blinging belt and her Prada shoes.
• Coryn - from Minneapolis. Never knew her dad. Her mom is on drugs. Looks like the Bald Eagle from the Muppets.

  

• Ebony - I got four words for you! Don't Get It Twisted! (Accompanied with Z-snaps, of course)

Posted by J-Unit on September 22, 2005 2:47 PM