Never Mind the Bollocks - 
by J-Unit
America's Next Top Model has given us a lot of interesting moments this year. For example, if I had said that Steve-O and Chris Pontius and Jason Acuna would be on a television show with some models and that somebody would have pissed themselves in an adult diaper, who would have thought it would be one of the models? Tyra had one of the best reality moments of the year when she went off on Tiffany, but nearly equaled it when she eliminated both Jayla and Nicole, bringing them to tears, only to say it was all a joke, that none of them were eliminated and everybody was going to London. I for one wouldn't mind having a squiz at any of these fit birds or having them give me a good toss. Well, except for maybe Kim; her cods might be bigger than mine.
We usually open up the episode with the girls talking about their dearly departeds, but this time there was nobody to mourn. That does not mean that the girls weren't affected, because Jayla and Nicole were steel feeling the sting of one of the more brilliant (or cruel, depending on your point of view) fakeouts in ANTM history. I have to say how much I loved the way Tyra handled the situation. She had just eliminated these girls from a competition that has taken weeks from their lives. The judges had just finished making a decision that would perhaps completely destroy the dreams of one or both of the girls. What does Tyra do? Dance around with the Union Jack, of course, and laugh your ass off when it comes time for editing.
The next day, the girls met Jenny Shimizu who represents several unique parts of modeling being 5'7" (ie short), a minority, covered in tattoos, and a lesbian. She was discovered by Calvin Klein while she was riding a motorcycle, and she had a lot of great advice for the girls, but she wanted to focus on how being an individual is not a detriment to your modeling career. Jenny (does she go by Jenny or Shimizu?) said that it was the differences in modeling that makes things beautiful. The whole segment might as well have been a personal note to Kim. As soon as she heard that Jenny was a lesbian, Kim started to pay attention, asking her questions like how to make things feminie, even when you might consider yourself a tomboy. I really don't think Kim's problem is that she is a tomboy. The problem is that face of hers. Like my sister said when she called today (she was upset I hadn't posted this in time), the girl has no bone structure. If I had just finished watching six hours of girls softball, I might think that Kim is attractive, but I couldn't see her being Dairy Queen (or at Wesleyan, Soy Milk Queen) let alone winning Top Model.
Ms. Shimizu was nice, but I don't think a lot of the girl got a lot out of the encounter besides Kim, for the obvious reasons, and Lisa, who, as always, enjoyed telling people that she recognized the model as soon as she walked in the door. Soon after the girls were told they were going to meet ghosts from their pasts, which, to my dissappointment, was not the sequeal to the best Brendan Frasier/Christopher Walken/ Sissy Spacek comedy vehicle from the late 90s. Instead, they got to meet Kevin Frazier, who some of you may recognize from various ESPN NBA gigs, but who is more recently known for his work as a correspondent for Entertinment Tonight.
Mr. Frazier introduces the ghosts from the past, which turn out to be pictures of the girls themselves. During the final weeks of ANTM, it becomes more and more important for the girls to not only demonstrate model ability and skill in their photographs, but in their everyday appearance. Kevin emphasized that their will be cameras on them all of the time, and they have to be aware of them all of the time. It's almost as if their lives were being recorded and would be broadcast all over the world where people would watch them laugh, cry, and backstab each other just because they wanted to amuse themsevles. Who would do that sort of thing? Now there was great potential to show lots of embarrassing pictrues of everybody, but I thought they could have done more. Oh look, Lisa is making a fool of herself! Never imagined that would happen!
At this point in the episode, I am a little bored. OK, we had an asian lesbian. OK, we had an entertainment correspondent. But overall, I thought it could be better. It was fine hearing about Jenny Shimizu, but Kevin Frazier was about as exciting as listening to Ed Bradley give a lecture on grooming your schnauzer. What is the point of all of this? Lisa had been complaining that there was too much lollygagging in Los Angeles and not enough flying to London, and I am one to agree, and not just because a move to England will let me make a bunch of Monty Python jokes. Once the models move out of their original digs, they start to get even more competitive. Emotions run high, and just when everybody needs the support of their roommates more than ever, the fighting and the backstabbing come in full force. It's a wonderful thing.
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