6:35pm
The announcer introduces "the lovable Mike Myers" to introduce the song from Shrek 2. I could see "doughy" or "squinty," but certainly not "lovable." Counting Crows comes out to sing, with Adam Duritz, as always, looking like a live-action Sideshow Bob. Really, what is he thinking.

6:40pm
An elaborate joke setup with Adam Sandler and a non-present Catherine Zeta-Jones falls crashingly flat. Bravo.

6:45pm
Jake Gyllenhaal and Zhang Ziyi, inexplicably introduced as "Z.Z. Yang," come out to present Best Visual Effects. The skinhead shit doesnt work for you Jake. Try dowdy and frumpy; it seems to work for your sister.

6:46pm
Nice quick camera cut to the lesbian clapping section. Oddly, Marcia Cross is missing.

6:47pm
Oh great. It's the low point of every year, Academy president Frank Pierson. Seriously, this guy has more momentum-killing power than Star Jones at the carving station. He claims his "sermon is going to be brief," and god do I want to believe it.

6:49pm
Al Pacino comes out to present the honorary Oscar for this year, to director Sidney Lumet. While Mr. Lumet may be most famous for his body of work, his greatest contributions may be his two voluptuous daughters, whose titanic mammaries threaten to burst forth at any second. Extra props to Lumet for transforming Vin Diesel into the thuggish lawyer we always knew he could be.

Just exactly who ARE these women in Sidney Lumet's box?

Why it's Paula Abdul and Camilla Parker Bowles!

7:05pm
Emmy Rossum comes out to present the song from Phantom of the Opera. Jesus, it's Beyoncé again. What, Sarah Brightman wasn't available? Beyoncé stands tall and isolated over the musicians, but luckily a wayward Phantom of the Oscars is present to escort her down to normal altitudes. The camera zooms in close to the bejeweled Beyoncé, and I fully expect her at any moment to exclaim "WHITE DIAMONDS!"

7:07pm
My god, the song is awful. It's saved by a quick cut to Prince, the nearest "black" audience member they could find.

And the Oscar for Best Beyoncé Performance at the Academy Awards goes to... Beyoncé for her portrayal of Beyoncé at the Academy Awards!

7:08pm
They just introduced presenter Jeremy Irons as a "comedy superstar." Is there crystal meth in this wine?

7:09pm
Mr. Burns—uh, I mean Mr. Irons—emerges from his crypt and appears in the audience. Dressed like Mozart without the wig, he recites the nominees for Best Short Film. He is unfazed by a loud bang in the background and even goes so far as to make a witty joke. Sadly, we later learn that Don Cheadle has been shot by a coked-up Imelda Staunton.

7:10pm
What is with Laura Linney and hideous, caked-on makeup at awards shows? She did the same thing at the Tonys. For god's sake, next time use a brush, not a spatula. Anyway, she gets stuck with man-on-the-street duty as she too patrols the audience for spare nominees. She proudly asserts that animation is "an industry that has amused billions of people in millions of audiences in thousands of theaters in hundreds of towns." Okay, you know your factors of ten. GREAT. Maybe you'd like to do a logarithm, just to shake things up.

7:18pm
Ah, black-Jew jokes. I was waiting for those.

7:20pm
Holy shit, Chris Rock says "You won't be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters, Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek." Reread that and then take bets on what the FCC fine will be.

7:21pm
Why is it so funny to hear Ms. Cruz and Ms. Hayek talking together? I don't really listen to what they're really talking about since I'm imagining them both saying "Frida! Frida! Frida!"

7:35pm
The announcer tells us to please welcome Academy Award loser Natalie Portman. Ms. Portman says that the films she's presenting "are this year's outstanding nominees for Best Documentary Short Subject, and I applaud them." AS DO THY LOYAL SUBJECTS, QUEEN AMIDALA.

7:37pm
Taking the creepy award of the night, the Dick-Cheneyesque winner of Best Documentary Short Subject says he's been rehearsing his acceptance speech in the bathtub since age eight. Sadly, the speech doesn't live up to my suddenly lofty expectations. Thankfully, blatant cutoff music ensues, embarrassing all.

7:40pm
Random observation, but what's with the six-foot-four spokesmodels they have flanking the stage this year? I mean they usually have models, but they're not usually, like, GIANT MEN. One of them looks like Melania Knauss, but she's probably busy polishing Donald Trump's Oscar, if you know what I mean.

7:41pm
Jan Kaczmarek wins for his Finding Neverland score. Question: Have you ever seen Jan Kaczmarek and Jane Kaczmarek in the same room? I didn't think so.

7:47pm
Three-time Academy Award loser Annette Bening takes the stage. She tells us, "You may recognize my hairstyle from such Japanese video games as Final Fantasy VIII and Dragonball Z." And why is she onstage? Ah, to usher in the much-awaited DEATH/POPULARITY MONTAGE. "Now hear an internationally acclaimed soloist performing the sarabande from the Sixth Unaccompanied Suite for Cello by Johann Sebastian Bach... ladies and gentlemen, Beyoncé." Actually, our only non-Sandra Oh Asian of the night, Yo-Yo Ma, comes out instead. But rather than play a cello, he sits Beyoncé on his lap and runs his bow across her stomach.

Posted by m_ruv on February 28, 2005 8:16 AM