HIGHLIGHTS:

8:15pm
At one point I catch Mr. Jackman looking into the crowd, saying he sees "so many people who go both ways." That's just your reflection in the Teleprompter, sweetcheeks.

8:40pm
By golly, Christina Applegate just fell into the orchestra pit—just like her career after Married With Children! Those Tony producers are so crafty this year, what oh what will they think of next. Ms. Applegate is really cute onstage, but while presenting it seems like she's expending nearly all her mortal will in an effort to keep her eyes from crossing. They have special contacts for that you know.

8:42pm
After a man-on-man kiss with his partner (gasp, on network television!), choreographer Jerry Mitchell gives his acceptance speech for, well, Best Choreography. In the course of about thirty seconds, he singlehandedly and preemptively out-gays everyone for the entire evening, which is a really tall order on Tony night. You just won a BEST CHOREOGRAPHY award for LA CAGE AUX FOLLES and then KISSED YOUR MAN-FRIEND—did you really need to throw in a PINK POCKET SQUARE ON TOP OF IT ALL? WE GET IT. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.

8:44pm
Odd couple #1, Jeff Goldblum and Emmy Rossum, come out to present. Ms. Rossum seems to have turned into a mini Penélope Cruz—perkiness, giant head, tiny shoulders, teensy pencil neck, the whole works. Someone call inmigración! While Mr. Goldblum talks, Ms. Rossum fills all her "quiet time" with insipid, googly-eyed smiles and aimless clapping. Get this girl some posterboard and it'll be just like she's curbside at a high school cheerleaders' car wash.

8:48pm
To rescue us from boring speech after boring speech, we get a number from the veritable musical thrill-a-thon A Light in the Piazza. Per Mr. Jackman's request, the set includes a bare-assed statue of the male form.

8:54pm
Continuing the thrill-a-minute motif, Doris Roberts comes on to talk about how nice it is to see television and film actors connect with a live audience. As she MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT DOING.

8:58pm
Now presenting are odd couple #2, Allison Janney and Dennis Haysbert. My god does he look bored while the white bitch is talking.

9:00pm
Chita Rivera, now older than Stonehenge, makes a flub while presenting a tribute to her deceased friend, renowned lyricist Fred Ebb. CBS bleeps her out—as it turns out, for uttering that most odious of curse words, "Jesus." JESUS, and I thought John Ashcroft was bad.

9:09pm
Kathleen Turner comes out with her hooks in some fresh young meat, Liev Schreiber. She is in full throaty form. Seriously, you haven't seen masculinity until you've seen Kathleen Turner these days. Hugh Jackman could take a pointer or two. Ms. Turner peppers her podium time with a few deep, husky "MMMM"s and ends with a punchy "NNNGH."

9:13pm
To make Ms. Turner's voice seem dainty by contrast, they immediately bring out the only person who could possibly accomplish such a task, James Earl Jones. O Tony producers, thy tricks, so transparent. Mr. Jones starts off promisingly, with a nice "MWAHAHA" and a booming "THE NOMINEES ARE," but is cut short when Ms. Turner rushes the stage, rips off his head, and bellows, "YOU SHALL KNOW MY FEMININITY, MORTALS!!"

9:14pm
Once Ms. Turner is tranquilized and caged, Mr. Jones's companion, Leslie Uggams, picks up where he left off. It's a cliché to compare dresses to curtains or sofas, but really, I've never seen anything like this. There must be more than 50,000 yards of fabric and frills in Ms. Uggams's outfit, all in an appalling purple. Ms. Uggams LOVES pronouncing A Light in the PIAZZA in "authentic Italian." Yes, let's all say it together, ARRIVEDERCI! BOBOLI!!

9:16pm
The winner for Best Featured Actress in a Musical is Sara Ramirez of Spamalot, the new musical version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Though Ms. Ramirez is not yet well known, she likely soon will be due to her giant breasts. Jesus, those things are gigantic. She must've used a gallon of Crisco to get into that dress. When she gets up out of her chair, she gives her girls a big "UP WE GO" and barely makes it up to the podium. She seems cool though. And not just because of the, you know, GIANT BREASTS.

9:17pm
Nice little reaction shot of Spamalot director Mike Nichols and his wife, Diane "Oh Katie Couric Your Ass Is So Mine" Sawyer. She smirks complacently and does her standard beaming thing.

9:18pm
The odd couples keep getting odder—now we have Anne Hathaway and Tony Shaloub. Ms. Hathaway is the awkwardest presenter ever. It's not helped by her "dress," a provocative piece entitled Composition No. 42: All the Finest Cloth Scraps I Could Find in the Dumpsters of Chinatown and the Lower East Side.

9:19pm
The ancient proto-Burt Reynolds, Robert Goulet, introduces the musical number from La Cage aux Folles, which features garter-clad "ladies" squealing, doing splits and cartwheels in high heels, and generally mounting one another. Tom Cruise LOVES this part, so excited he nearly drops his clutch purse in the champagne bubble bath at the Tonys telecast bash at Stonewall.

Posted by m_ruv on June 8, 2005 11:04 AM