PIAZZAS FOR EVERYBODY - 
by m_ruv
10:30pm
John Patrick Shanley, the writer of Doubt, accepts for Best Play. Are you kidding that this is a Pulitzer-Prize-winning playwright? He has the accent and delivery of Colin Quinn for god's sake.
10:33pm
I knew this was coming—Hugh Jackman starts singing again.
10:34pm
Jealous of all the attention that Sara Ramirez's giant breasts are getting, Aretha Franklin comes onstage and joins Mr. Jackman in full force. She amps up the breast wattage into uncharted territory, wearing a gold-emblazoned shower curtain bought at some Costco outside Marrakech, topped off with a red wig, about eighteen inches of cleavage, and five chins by my count. Okay, forget Alan Alda and Marcia Cross, this is the oddest match ever. Hugh and Aretha start belting (actually more gasping on her part), and it just does not work at all. Their voices don't match or blend or complement each other in the least. "There's a Place for Us"? Yeah, how about NOT ON MY TV.
10:35pm
Oh no they did not just start holding hands.
10:43pm
Victoria Clark wins Best Actress in a Musical for The Light in the F*cking Piazza. Please, will you all just SHUT UP ABOUT THE GODDAMN PIAZZA. She goes on and on and concludes by telling her eleven-year-old son, "you are my light in the piazza." Cause, you know, we really needed one more piazza, just to top off the evening.
10:46pm
Bernadette Peters comes out, says "piazza," and leaves.
10:47pm
Actually, she presents Best Actor in a Musical to Norbert Leo Butz of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The guy's got one built-in butt joke already, but Ms. Peters wants MORE, so both times she says his name she says "Norbutt Leo Butz." Mr. Butz spends about half his speech talking about the always-pressing Butz/butts issue. With each passing word of the Butz-laden speech, Hugh Jackman becomes more aroused, until finally the producers have to cut off Mr. Butz in the interests of public safety.
10:56pm
In the final award of the evening, Spamalot wins Best Musical. Sara Ramirez's giant breasts accept the award. Any and all momentum the telecast might've had for even a second is killed by the Spamalot producer, who starts his speech with what appears to be a Jar-Jar Binks joke (timely!) and then goes into odd rambling. The exasperated orchestra, which just wants to go home, cuts in, prompting even odder, bitchier comments from the increasingly desperate producer.
10:58pm
Finally, Mr. Jackman is forced to step in to end things, because unlike the Oscars the Tonys cannot go EVEN ONE MINUTE OVER the allotted three hours. So he chimes in with a cheerful "Good night and thank you and this is the most abrupt awards-show ending ever! Support the theater and buttsex! Good night!"
MAJOR WINNERS:
Best Musical
Spamalot
Best Musical - Revival
La Cage aux Folles
Best Actor in a Musical
Norbert Leo Butz, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Best Actress in a Musical
Victoria Clark, The Light in the Piazza
Best Featured Actor in a Musical
Dan Fogler, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Best Featured Actress in a Musical
Sara Ramirez, Spamalot
Best Direction of a Musical
Mike Nichols, Spamalot
Best Book of a Musical
Rachel Sheinkin, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Best Music
Adam Guettel, The Light in the Piazza
Best Play
Doubt
Best Play - Revival
Glengarry Glen Ross
Best Actor in a Play
Bill Irwin, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Best Actress in a Play
Cherry Jones, Doubt
Best Featured Actor in a Play
Liev Schreiber, Glengarry Glen Ross
Best Featured Actress in a Play
Adriane Lenox, Doubt
Best Direction of a Play
Doug Hughes, Doubt
Best Special Theatrical Event
700 Sundays
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Comments
Great recap...Sara Ramirez was way over the top...or at least her friends "left" and "right" almost were...yuck...
Posted by: alohaguy | June 8, 2005 4:54 PM(#1 of 23)
I am snorting with glee...thanks for making my night. Watching would have ruined it. HEE-LARIOUS!!!
Posted by: Gidget | June 8, 2005 5:54 PM(#2 of 23)
Jesse L. Martin sang Razzle Dazzle as a tribute to his Law & Order partner Jerry Orbach who originated the role in musical Chicago.
The Academy Awards should take some tips from the Tonys: only performance awards given out. Cut the sound, editing, makeup, costume, etc. that the Oscars go through and stick them with the other technical awards and cut the lengthy broadcasts.
Posted by: Stevie | June 8, 2005 7:14 PM(#3 of 23)
"Razzle Dazzle" also has lyrics by the late Fred Ebb so it was a two-fer.
Posted by: Leslie | June 8, 2005 10:10 PM(#4 of 23)
what they used to do is present the lighting, sound, etc. awards on PBS from 8-9, and then the rest of the more 'fun' telecast from 9-11. and somehow they managed to freaking drag these out for that other hour WITHOUT REALLY adding those awards back in.
(don't get me wrong, i'm a theater major and all that, but this year's show, apart from the 'spelling bee' performance, was rather lame.)
hugh jackman really could've been awesome as a celebrity, if he had just kept his damn mouth shut, kept those gold lame (i don't know how to do the little e thing, shut up) pants off, and remained wolverine for eternity.
but no. no, no, no.
Posted by: Stefanie | June 9, 2005 5:50 AM(#5 of 23)
Ah yes, good points both. Did they actually announce Jerry Orbach's name though? I may have missed it during the applause for Jesse L. Martin. In any case, I'm used to the solemn instrumental dirges they play during the Oscars dead-person montage, so all the razzle-dazzle stuff seemed a little jarring to me.
Posted by: m_ruv | June 9, 2005 6:08 AM(#6 of 23)
wow, we get it, you can make gay jokes about the Tony's...kind of like shooting fish in a barrel. Didn't know that in order to be funny you needed to trash gays.
Posted by: Steve | June 9, 2005 6:14 AM(#7 of 23)
Oh LADY, any gay jokes (aside from the Jerry Mitchell jab) are directed at dear old Hugh. And last I checked I was a tad light in the loafers myself, so don't get your panties in such a bunch. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.
Posted by: m_ruv | June 9, 2005 6:44 AM(#8 of 23)
m_ruv, where ya been all my life? HILARIOUS recap of an event I didn't even know was blasting forth from my TV! "punchy NNNGGH!" "flanks!" "boboli!"
More outta you, please!
Posted by: Jess | June 9, 2005 7:00 AM(#9 of 23)
HI-larious. laughing my ass off at the berna peters butt jokes comment. also giant breasts. awards show recaps r the best!
Posted by: kt | June 9, 2005 7:54 AM(#10 of 23)
The reason why Jesse L. Martin sang "Razzle Dazzle" is because his friend, the recently deceased Jerry Orbach, sang the song when he debuted in the original production of "Chicago." And you know - Fred Ebb wrote for "Chicago" - so it was only fitting.
Cheers to Sara Ramirez's GIANT BREASTS!!!
Posted by: Andrew | June 9, 2005 12:00 PM(#11 of 23)
Weren't there two lesbian kisses? I swear there was. I can't remember who it was besides Cherry Jones. A costume designer perhaps? Anyway, wasn't this on CBS, the same station that banished the Victoria's Secret runway show from its airwaves forever?
And let's give a cheer for women who wear over a size 0 getting some awards and looking great in gowns they may actually have paid for.
Posted by: jayneatomic | June 9, 2005 8:09 PM(#12 of 23)
ok...first of all, you didnt even mention Adam Guettel winning for Best Score of a Musical. Anyone who trashes THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA doesnt know shit about theatre as far as I'm concerned...or they dont have good taste. Either way, this is a funny and interesting recap...although I def. wouldnt want to watch the Tony's with you...you'd probably sit there and bitch the whole time...or masturbate to Hugh Jackman...who you obviously bash repeatedely b/c you want his nuts so bad. I do agree with you about how wierd it was to have Al Sharpton be the celeb guest for SPELLING BEE's performance. That couldnt have been less funny. Well G'nite.
Posted by: dwreck | June 9, 2005 11:12 PM(#13 of 23)
You may be the funniest person EVER.
EVER!
Posted by: divarobbie | June 9, 2005 11:30 PM(#14 of 23)
You rock! Thanks for your wit. Have you considered running for President?
Posted by: Janny | June 10, 2005 7:59 AM(#15 of 23)
or...better yet....the President's WIFE?
Posted by: Janny | June 10, 2005 8:00 AM(#16 of 23)
So hilarious!
Brilliant review!
Made suffering through the worse Tony Awards show in recent memory almost worth it!
Will Hugh Jackman sue?
Posted by: Tom | June 10, 2005 9:01 AM(#17 of 23)
Oh my darlin'. This reminds me of the glorious Tony recap you did last year, which really got the 'gasm's momentum going. you havent lost your touch dawg!
Posted by: Leah3t | June 10, 2005 10:56 AM(#18 of 23)
All this mention of gaiety and none of Matthew Broderick?
"Dance with me, Matthew...."
Posted by: Mjkmn | June 10, 2005 4:02 PM(#19 of 23)
Okay this was hysterical... i still can't stop laughing at Aretha Franklin's moroccan gold shower curtain comment (maximized for her cleavage!)
Posted by: Jared | June 10, 2005 5:22 PM(#20 of 23)
Hey m_ruv?
You love Laura Linney?
You have taste beyond words.
Posted by: cutebutstupid | June 11, 2005 1:58 PM(#21 of 23)
I love West Side Story, but Hugh and Aretha were excrucisting.
And a major yea to Liev Schreiber winning. I love him!
Posted by: Victoria | June 12, 2005 9:09 PM(#22 of 23)
I liked this recap so much, I went into the archives and read last year's Tony recap. Great job! but do we have to wait until next year's Tony's for more from you? I hope not.
I love Liev Schrieber!
Posted by: Victoria | June 12, 2005 10:04 PM(#23 of 23)