9:06 PM
Anyone else notice how year after year, the funniest part of the Emmys is watching the noms for Outstanding Writing for a Musical or Variety series? Da Ali G show is pretty dope, but seriously, can't top Conan here.

9:06 PM
Katherine Joosten LOVES presenting.

9:14 PM
All I need to hear: "Please welcome... Mischa Barton."

9:14 PM
True to form, Mischa Barton opens up with "Hey..." Hey count: 1.

9:15 PM
Wow, Mischa really can make any moment awkward.

9:15 PM
And the Emmy for Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Doris Roberts. Wow, that's a shocker. And she brought up her grandchildren. Or at least her harem of underage boy servants. Nope, they're her grandchildren.

9:17 PM
Hey, it's David Letterman. Time for funniness! Oh wait, it's a Johnny Carson tribute. I guess we need a snark break anyway.

9:21 PM
Does it feel subtly inappropriate to anyone else that this Johnny Carson tribute comes on the heels of Mischa Barton?

9:24 PM
And the winner for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series... The Daily Show! Cool, but the best part of this win is that the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond has finally left the stage.

9:25 PM
Portia Di Rossi appears on stage to introduce the next Emmy Idol. Ellen salivates in the wings: "I'm gonna get me a piece of that magnolia!" And here's Gary Jourdan (or however you spell his name). He's a got a deep, husky, but unfortunately flat voice. And just in case this awards show needed any more suck, here comes Macy Gray and her new friend, Twenty Pounds.

9:32 PM
Ellen does a comedy bit with a bicycle and a sparkler. And no punchline. Why are they doing this to her?

9:34 PM
J. J. Abrams wins the directing award for Lost. Internet geeks around the world collectively jizz.

9:35 PM
Hey look, Geena Davis is in the audience. Be careful! She might shoot you with an arrow. She is an accomplished archer, YOU KNOW.

9:39 PM
Halle Berry says, "The great actress Roslyn Russell once said that acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly." Or in the case of Halle Barry, standing up naked and having sex with Billy Bob Thornton.

9:40 PM
Technical difficulties! Halle Berry channels Julie Chen as she awkwardly waits for the video introduction of the Best Actor, Miniseries nominees. Very uncomfortable. By the way, does William H. Macy do anything other than get nominated for TV movies?

9:43 PM
Wow. We just saw Ellen slip into a bathroom stall. An appropriate image for this ceremony, I suppose.

9:44 PM
Ellen Pompeio: the cheaper, TV version of Renée Zelleweger.

9:46 PM
The guys who wrote The Life and Death of Peter Sellers spend their thirty seconds cracking dumb jokes. They wrap up by thanking Peter Sellers, without whom they'd have no movie, they tell us. Yeah, especially since they are painfully unfunny. Kind of like this comment, huh? (It was funnier when we were bantering in person.)

9:51 PM
S. Epatha Merkerson reveals that her speech feel down in her bosom. This could be the worst wardrobe malfunction EVER. Oh, the plight of the big-breasted black woman. Macy Grey knows it well.

9:54 PM
Jon Stewart does a taped segment re: Hurricane Katrina. It's funny, but I'm too distracted by the iPod Nano-ness of it all.

9:56 PM
The director of Desperate Housewives delivers a brief, efficient script. Thank god for the Brits.

9:58 PM
Arrested Development wins Comedy Series, Writing. The head writer, Mitch Hurwitz, is funny. We got nothing.

10:00 PM
Marg Helgenberger appears on stage with Quentin Tarantino. The TVgasm office desperately hopes she'll bust out another semi-orgasmic dance, but alas, it seems as though the horse tranquilizers have set in. And speaking of drugs, the producer of Warm Springs wipes his nose five or six times during his acceptance speech. Warm Springs? More like Warm COCAINE! Sorry, was that too ON THE NOSE? Z-z-z-z-z-z-ZING!!!

10:08
A union of greatness! Jeff Probst and Phil Koeghan (or "Kogan", as the announcer calls him) appear on stage together. And to sweeten the deal, we get to see the lovely Naima from America's Next Top Model (who seems to have entranced dearest Phil). The two über-hosts introduce the next Emmy Idol segment featuring William Shatner and an opera singer who looks like an alterna-version of Joy Behar. Damn, I love this stuff.

10:18 PM
You know, it's not an awards show until we see Mariska Hargitay's cold nips.

10:20 PM
The Lost Prince wins the Emmy for Best Miniseries. It also wins the Emmy for "And you are??"

10:21 PM
Academy prez Dick Askin addresses the audience. His name has "Dick" and "Ass" in it. How can I not laugh?

10:26 PM
First standing ovation. Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw appear on stage after a touching tribute to them and Peter Jennings. TVgasm shamed into silence. We won't even crack jokes about how tan Brokaw seems.

10:30 PM
Tom Brokaw delivers an eloquent speech about Peter Jennings. But more importantly, there's Julie Chen!

Julie Chen anxiously represses the urge to interrupt the ceremony with "BUT FIRST!"

10:32 PM
Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather -- those guys are class acts. But are they gonna sing a song or what?

10:34 PM
Conan comes out to present Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series and gets everyone laughing. Remind me again why he's only hosted the show once? Anyway, the Emmy goes to personal fave Felicity Huffman who delivers a funny, brief, and emotional speech that veers into disturbing territory once she alludes to images of her and William H. Macy doing the nasty in a cow pasture. Shivers.

10:40 PM
Patricia Arquette just won an Emmy? Huh? Eh, at least she gave a speech that had us saying "Awww" at the end. Plus, she gave a shout out to Courtney Cox. That's got to be worth something.

Posted by on September 18, 2005 8:06 PM