A Bareback Breastacular - 
by m_ruv
8:05pm
The details of the red carpet coverage are best left unspoken. I must point out, though, the true high point of the atrocities, which was the song that bridged the gap between the celebrity arrivals and the start of the actual awards. If you think you've heard bad lyrics before, think again. This was probably the worst two minutes of television I've seen since that time Nancy Reagan showed up on Diff'rent Strokes.
8:06pm
Appropriately, the opening drumroll coincides with a sudden closeup of Queen Latifah's formidable bustline. She herself turns out to be the first presenter. The audience is a little unresponsive, with the sure-fire Martin Luther King Jr. mention only tepidly received. You're supposed to CLAP, you Nazis.
8:08pm
Natalie Portman and Adrien Brody come out to present. Ms. Portman looks like a little pixie straight from Audrey Hepburn Camp. They announce Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture, which goes to George Clooney for Syriana. He gives a nice little gracious speech before ruining it with a lame Jack-(Abram)off joke. Stick to political DRAMAS buster, not comedies.
The same pair presents Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture to Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener. Normally luminous—though by no means Laura Linney luminous—Ms. Weisz channels the Bride of Frankenstein with her upswept hairdo, beyond-the-grave eye makeup, and random flap of mummy fabric sprouting from her cleavage.
8:18pm
Jessica Alba comes out with Luke Wilson, who looks like he needs to make the switch to husky-size jeans. Thanks to an audience shot we learn that Barbara Hershey has decisively usurped the Botox World Championship from Kylie Minogue, its previous holder.
"Sure, my boobs may be sagging. But my face? TIGHT AS A DRUM, BITCHES!!"
Best Supporting Actor in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Empire Falls' Paul Newman, who wisely chose to skip this event altogether.
8:20pm
Teri Hatcher and Brandon Routh step onstage, only to be overshadowed by a quick cut to Camryn Manheim's nearly 14 hectares of glitter-covered buxomness. Best Supporting Actress in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy. Excellent! Only she can't find her way to the stage. It's probably because the liquor's been flowing for all of twenty minutes and she's already sporting the notorious Asian flush. Excited and effusive, she forgets nearly everyone's name except for one special mention—"My rock, Margo." Ah, if only I had a rock named Margo. Then I could go places.
8:27pm
Not a half hour in and we already have worst dress of the evening—Drew Barrymore. The best way to approximate this look would be to give Peter Pan double-D breasts, no bra, and a strong, cold headwind. Drew, my dear, you can see those pointer sisters from two miles away.
"I do so love flying, Wendy, even if it gets a bit nippy"
8:29pmPoor Emmy Rossum is saddled with the most boring and pointless task of the night: explaining and justifying the existence of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. She fails, as have all others before her.
8:31pm
Jesse L. Martin and Nicolette Sheridan come onstage. Is it just me or is this woman SCARY AS SHIT. Anyway, they present Commander in Chief's Geena Davis with Best Actress in a Drama Series With Special Recognition for Beauty Marks and Milky Décolletage. She gets a good laugh by telling a lengthy and ultimately false story about a little girl who was inspired by her portrayal of a female president. Ms. Davis chuckles as she notes that she had the child shipped off to Guantánamo.
8:43pm
Ah, Melanie Griffith, what to say, what to say. As the years pass, she looks more and more like Tammy Faye Bakker. She giggles nervously and introduces tonight's "Miss Golden Globe"—her daughter Dakota Johnson, who looks either thoroughly drugged or utterly bored. She reminds me of a mini Leelee Sobieski, only with a half-ounce of charisma instead of zero.
8:46pm
Queen Latifah and Matt Dillon come out to present. Each of her breasts is bigger than his head.
8:50pm
William Petersen and Pamela Anderson, who looks to be wearing a trash bag, present Best Actor in a Comedy Series to Steve Carell of The Office. He presents a mildly amusing speech ostensibly written by his wife, Nancy Walls.
Isn't hepatitis supposed to kill you? Last time I let you get my hopes up, CDC!
8:58pmTim Robbins's hair and posture make him look like a giant 6'5" toddler. Susan Sarandon, please take action now.
8:59pm
It's Ray Charles, I mean, Jamie Foxx. Golly, he still gets me every time! He pontificates extensively before presenting Best Actress in a Motion Picture Musical/Comedy to Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line. She WILL NOT SHUT UP about her husband—it gets to be like that "have you seen my fiancé" scene from Seinfeld. Fortunately, a pack of yippy little dogs tears Ms. Witherspoon apart before she can go on for too long.
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