A Bareback Breastacular - 
by m_ruv
9:02pm
Chris Rock reminds everyone that it's MLK Day but that you only have to be nice to black people for two more hours. Aww, don't tease Trent Lott, it's still three hours til midnight here on the east coast, and for him every minute of this is like a lifetime. Mr. Rock presents Best Actress in a Comedy Series to Mary-Louise Parker of Weeds, who beats all four nominees from Desperate Housewives. Though missing her famously childbirth-enhanced boobs from last year, she remains very cute. She also expresses a desire to make out with her female cast members, which causes Marcia Cross's animatronic ears to perk up ever so slightly.
9:07pm
Unlikely as it may sound, best podium appearance of the night goes to Emma Thompson, who is clearly shitfaced. Though ostensibly onstage to introduce Pride and Prejudice, she just makes a bunch of sweeping gestures and nonsensical statements before tossing off the best line of the evening—"It's lovely to be here, and at least it's, you know, no effort." Exactly.
9:12pm
Presenters Eric Bana and Kate Beckinsale are the most attractive couple so far, in sharp contrast to the audience shot of Ron Howard, who each year looks more and more like a child molester.
"Hey kids! There's a pony in my pants!"
Jonathan Rhys-Myers wins Best Actor in a Miniseries for Elvis, but the bizarre clash of his thick Irish accent with the fact that he played ELVIS seems to baffle the audience. Next, the award for Best Actress in a Miniseries goes to S. Epatha Merkerson for Lackawanna Blues. Aww, we love her. She gives a funny, moving speech that includes gratitude about getting her first film lead at age 53, self-deprecating menopause jokes, and even a sassy "Y'all stop" to the pit orchestra. Well played, well played.
9:27pm
Virginia Madsen comes out with Harrison Ford, who's utterly humorless as usual. Nice earring! NKOTB hangin TOUGH! They present Best Screenplay to the writers of Brokeback Mountain. Jake Gyllenhaal leans a little closer toward Heath Ledger for some celebratory frottage.
9:35pm
It's Josh Duhamel and Jill Hennessy! His voice is deep; hers, deeper. Surprisingly, Desperate Housewives wins Best Comedy Series. Must be all that great writing!
Living in France seems fun til they make you glue your pubes to your face
9:39pmTaking the pelo enorme prize for the evening is Penélope Cruz, whose hair helmet rivals even New York news anchor Liz Cho's. The producers make sure to give Ms. Cruz a lot of H-words to say, which come out like A-Bob A-Hoskins and Mrs. A-Henderson Presents. A-whatsa-happenin, a-hotstuff? J-Unit, who loves girls who can't speak English, melts.
9:42pm
Now it's Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey of the new movie Failure to Launch, which has to be the worst title since The Taking of Flight 847: The Uli Derickson Story. They present Best Foreign Film to Palestine's Paradise Now.
9:46pm
It's not a heavily sedated Kathleen Turner, it's just Catherine Deneuve. Remain calm.
9:47pm
Julian McMahon and Rosario Dawson come out to present Best Original Score. Boringly, it goes to John Williams for Memoirs of a Geisha. Mercifully, he himself is bored by the number of awards he's won by now, so he remains brief.
9:49pm
Mariah Carey emerges, indeed looking quite calorically emancipated. Best Song goes to the one from Brokeback Mountain, which shockingly is an Emmylou Harris number, not the Madonna-Cher-George Michael collaboration one might've expected.
"You've got me feeling emotions... and eating chocolate éclairs"
9:56pmGwyneth Paltrow's appearance ushers in the pale, horribly dressed portion of the evening. Really, what is she doing with that dress. It's like the St. Pauli Girl gone all schmutzig. She's there to present tonight's lifetime achievement award recipient, Anthony Hopkins, whose name we've all apparently been mispronouncing this whole time, since she keeps saying "Antony." And Gwyneth would know, mind you.
10:13pm
A cowlick-afflicted Clint Eastwood presents Best Director to Ang Lee for, as Mr. Eastwood says it, Brokeback M-m-mm-mmountain. Aww, Ang Lee is the cutest awkward Asian guy ever—he's like a high-class Rupert Jee. Though seemingly a bit nervous he gives a nice speech.
10:17pm
John Travolta greets everyone with a hearty "Good evening, and good luck." Sssssooo close. He gives special recognition to all the men in the acting categories tonight, then offers them keys to his steam room for a "private function" after the show. He presents Best Actor in a Motion Picture Musical/Comedy to Walk the Line's Joaquin Phoenix, who looks like he'd rather have his fingernails pulled one by one, Syriana-style, than actually go up to the podium. He does, however, remember to thank Johnny Cash and June Carter, unlike that ungrateful wench Reese Witherspoon. Since Mr. Travolta appears pretty eager to take Mr. Phoenix backstage, the producers wisely cut to a quick commercial.
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice
10:25pmIn the token nod to the red states—newsflash to NBC, those people tuned out hours ago—the next presenter is Tim McGraw. Chris Rock looks baffled. Mr. McGraw mumbles most of his speech out of the side of his mouth, perhaps angling for the role of Heath Ledger's long-lost brother in Brokeback Mountain 2: All in the Family.
10:26pm
Renée Zellweger looks miserable but at least relatively well-dressed. Best Motion Picture Musical/Comedy goes to Walk the Line.
10:35pm
The Will & Grace cast comes onstage for their last, final, ultimate, one-night-only, get-your-tickets-now appearance at the Golden Globes. Thank god they're finally putting that show out of its misery. Incidentally, Lost wins Best Drama Series.
10:40pm
Dennis Quaid introduces the clip from Brokeback Mountain. Actually it was Randy Quaid who was in Brokeback Mountain, but why split hairs. In any case, Scarlett Johansson is ELATED, I mean you've never seen anything like this, to see Mr. Quaid onstage.
"Why is nobody else laughing? I love dick flicks."
Mr. Quaid then provides a stunningly insightful synopsis of Brokeback Mountain—"Let's just say it rhymes with chick flick."
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