There She Is, Miss Bore-merica - 
by B-side
Every year, it seems like some alarmist article pops up, noting the ratings decay of one of America's most beloved institutions, The Miss America Pageant. Back in the day, this parade of evening gowns, swimwear, and vacuousness used to be a big deal, but now, well, no one seems to care. I personally hadn't seen the competition in over ten years, and in that time, it has managed to dissolve into nothingness first on NBC and then on ABC. Well, now the grandmommy of latter-day reality talent shows has moved to CMT, and for some odd reason, I felt compelled to watch this year. I don't know if it was a sense of blogger obligation or maybe a morbid curiosity to see how the "hip" new Vegas makeover would look, but I Tivoed this bad boy with hopes that I'd find a treasure trove of horrifying moments. Needless to say, if you thought the pun in this post's title was labored, it was nothing compared to the pageant.
The show began with a grandiose opening montage. You know the type: glorious footage of the pageant in its prime. Why look, there's... some woman! And there's another! And there's a lady from 1932! And there's Eleanor Roosevelt! And Hitler! And the Luftwaffe! Oh wait, this was the History Channel. Must have been sitting on the remote. Nevertheless, we had to suffer through an endless montage -- funny how Vanessa Williams never makes it into these things. But just when you thought you were watching the same old stodgy pageant, CMT turned the table on us. Grab a hold of your seat, Ethel. It's 2006! Time to get hip! And nothing says hip like a four year old Elvis remix song! Yes, as we then cut to footage of Las Vegas, that oh-so-wonderful "A Little Less Conversation" remix came on the soundtrack, which would have been cool had it not been used in every opening montage since 2002.
Anyway, we then moved inside the Aladdin Resort and Casino where an ever-so-hip audio problem threatened to undermine the very foundation of Miss America 2006. The female announcer tried to welcome us to the event, but instead, all we heard was a blaring feedback topped with a layer of scratchy audio. Fantastic. Maybe next year, the "hip makeover" can include one of those newfangled sound technicians the kids have been talking about so much.
Luckily for the organizers, the audio came back under control, which meant we could finally meet the lovely ladies who would be baring their Vaseline-covered teeth for us. All fifty of them. I'm not going to give a rundown of every single woman -- especially since half of them seemed to be of the same blonde-hair, communications-major mold. But there were some standouts.
Good lord. Alaska should have just sent a moose.
Did Santino design Miss Arizona's dress?
Hey, it's Peg from Human Resources!
I wonder if she'll be performing piano or violin?
Aren't contestants not supposed to be 37?
Miss Maine, who, according to her, studies "Elem-ment-airy" education. She LOVES syllables!
I don't even know where to begin.
Seriously, Nebraska? This is the best you've got?
Oddly disturbing.
I didn't realize Laura Linney was competing!
Does it really surprise anyone that this girl is Miss New Jersey?
Miss Rhode Island: reminding us why we should never, ever fall asleep in a tanning bed.
Not many people can pull off the horse-teeth/helmet hair combo. Kudos, Ms. Utah.
If Mary Lou Retton and Rachel Dratch had a lovechild...
Oh look, Miss Tranny USA wandered in.
Great. Miss Wyoming pulls out the sign language card. Either that, or she really likes 'em large.
Well, after meeting all the lovely ladies (which took about three hours in and of itself), the beauty queens then did a bit of choreographed walking, climaxing with the ever impressive sight of the girls slowly raising their hands up above their shoulders. Some of the finest choreography I've ever seen. Move over Tommy Tune. Miss America's where it's at!
Out next was the big emcee for the night. Mr. Handsome Plumber (at least for women 45 and up), James Denton! After a spate of jazzy music, the Desperate Housewives hunk sauntered out on stage and began talking, nay, honing Elvis. For reasons unclear to me, his voice was deeper and huskier than usual. I imagined it had something to do with the sound system, but maybe it was some of that Vegas magic! You know, the Vegas magic that was supposed to make this show cooler simply by osmosis. Seriously, how was this any different than had it been in Atlantic City?
Anyway, James babbled a bit about the competition, ultimately stating, "The three basic competitions -- swimsuit, evening wear, and talent -- are back and more exciting than ever!" He then paused for applause, but of course, there was none. Just awkward, awkward silence.
We then went backstage with an old shrew named Katie Cooke who revealed all the exciting secrets of the Miss America tent. For instance, did you know that the contestants were responsible for their own makeup and hair? Actually, we kind of surmised that, thanks to Miss Colorado:
It's called a brush. USE IT.
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