This week's episode began with those ever-so-catchy opening credits. Last week, I thought the use of the Pet Shop Boys was a bit odd, but this time around, I've warmed to it. I kind of like watching Caitilin karate chop to gay-ish techno. Anyway, when the live action began, we immediately cut to Scarlet whose sweet thoughtfulness quickly endeared me to her even more (I had been a big fan of hers ever since the first episode when she froze innocently during the 5th grade trivia challenge). Regarding the show, she noted that it wasn't so much about the money anymore as it was the experience. "It's changing a little bit more. It's becoming about who we are as people. It's more about growing and learning." You know, after years of petty reality stars plucked from the depths of Bunim/Murray Land (ahem, Veronica, Tina, Rachel), it's nice to finally see a girl willing to learn something from a televised experience. Okay, maybe I spoke too soon. Veronica, Tina, and Rachel have learned some valuable lessons: mainly, how to be IDIOTS.

After Scarlet's little moment, we then moved on to Lauren and Richard who were performing some sort of bubbly, uncoordinated dance. The brainy beauty (her IQ is 500, remember?) admitted that she had a crush on Richard, which was all nice and good, but seriously, we've seen Average Joe. There's no way Richard's gonna get a piece of that ass (especially since Lauren is currently dating The Miz -- but that's another post).

Anyway, after we'd had our share of canoodling and whatnot, Brian McFayden came by to ruin the party with his strange, 1997 Nick Carter hair. It was time to learn of this week's challenges -- neither of which included shredding Brian's stupid, tan, argyle/bird pattern sweater. Instead, the girls had to learn about rocket science while the guys tackled fashion. As Brian explained all this in his eerily monotone voice, I couldn't help but notice that he only speaks out of one side of his mouth. Kind of the Mary Jo Buttafuoco effect. Except Mary Jo Buttafuoco would be about ten times more entertaining than this milquetoast MTV reject.

Upon hearing her task, Krystal -- wearing what seemed to be two hanging Susan B. Anthony coins from her ears -- immediately balked, saying "That is like so boring." Similarly displeased to be studying how the other half lives was Richard, who stated, "I think fashion is frivolous." Uh, yeah, we can tell you're not a fan of following the trends (note the black-slacks/parachute-pants hybrid he wears all the time). Nevertheless, the boys and girls all taught each other what they needed to know. Caitilin had a hands-on demonstration of Louis Vuitton bags while Brad attempted to teach Krystal about the finer points of parachute deployment (his tutelage was met with a vacant "Uh huh...").

The next day, the women encountered their big challenge: constructing a bottle rocket. Brian McFayden immediately instructed the women to don some safety goggles, much to the consternation of Krystal, who'd prefer to risk her eyeballs for fashion. "When I saw the goggles, I didn't want to wear them because they're ugly and big," she explained, adding "They're not fashionable for me." You know what also isn't very fashionable? AN EYE PATCH. Seriously, imagine the story behind that: "Well, I was on this reality show trying to prove that I can be smart, but I set a bottle rocket off in my face. Oops!"

Anyway, the girls soon attacked their mission, with some faring better than others. Lauren, unfortunately, was completely perplexed at the notion of using "tape" to "attach" "fins" (I was air quoting). Also having difficulty was Mindi, whose only help from Richard was a random bit of trivia: "Bottle rocketry is called 'miniature astronautics.'" THANKS. I'm sure that really helped her. Meanwhile, after all her disparaging of rocket science, Krystal seemed to be really rocking the challenge -- but so was Caitilin, who's proven to be a tough competitor when it comes to these things (in an interview, she explained that she's never felt smart in her life and was determined to change that. Pass the tissues please...). Ultimately, Krystal actually launched her rocket first, but, uh, let's just say it was less Apollo 11 and more Challenger. The homemade spacecraft only got about a foot off the podium before it spastically careened into the ground -- perilously close to Brian McFeyden's feet, I'm sure. More successful was Caitlin, whose rocket soared to great, sexually-suggestive heights. For the second week in a row, she won the challenge and was so excited, she nearly forgot that old standby of physics: what goes up, must come down. "WATCH OUT!" yelled Chuck, as he pulled his partner away from her kamikaze bottle rocket. Never fear, no Caitilins were hurt during this production.

Meanwhile, I really want to make a bottle rocket now.

Posted by B-side on June 16, 2005 8:59 PM