Now it was time for the guys' challenge, and boy, this was going to be a doozy. Brian McFeyden announced that the geeks would be buying clothing for their beauties: a bathing suit, a casual outfit, and a piece of evening wear. Sensational! A look of dread fell upon the guys' faces, and as Shawn expressed anxiety over the task, his mouth seemed to get toothier than it had ever been. It was like watching a picket fence made of enamel. By the way Shawn, if you're reading, might I suggest Mentadent Advance Whitening formula? It really works wonders. Just lookin' out, bud.

Anyway, the first stop for the guys was a small swim wear boutique in Beverly Hills where Richard got his jollies by calling thongs, "Butt floss." Yes, yes -- we've all heard that term before, but Richard could not stop saying it. Okay Richard, we get it. It's small and fits in the ass cheeks -- like floss. Some of us got over our thong giggles when we were 12. Or at least after the 300th time we heard "The Thong Song." ENOUGH.

The good news for Mindi was that Richard shunned the thongs, but the bad news was that he opted for a cheesy, animal print bikini. Chuck, meanwhile, was so lost he had to ask the saleswomen what their sizes were. Yes, women LOVE when strangers ask that! After what was probably a few hours of chaos, the guys all returned home where they asked their lovelies what their actual sizes were. Some got it correct -- Chuck's fist pump of glory had me wondering if he had just won the Women's Wear Superbowl -- but others were completely off the charts. Richard, for instance, learned the hard way the women's sizes don't always have much logic. "You're a zero??" he asked upon hearing Mindi's size. "A zero means you don't exist!" To be fair, that was pretty much my reaction several years ago when I first learned of size zero. Of course, back then, I assumed "1" was the lowest. Richard, however, assumed "2" was the base size (don't know why) and therefore figured that Mindi was two levels up. That's right. Richard's outfits were all 4, a.k.a. four sizes too big for her. This was going to be amazing.

The show then had me feeling all warm and tingly inside as the women asked Shawn how he felt about his purchases. He bashfully flashed his gigantic teeth and said he was feeling kind of embarrassed, at which point the women all encouraged him to be confident in his decisions. Awww... I love it when the groups help each other and HOLY SHIT! MY APARTMENT IS SHAKING! Yes, it seems like the terrestrial plates under Los Angeles enjoyed this scene too as they stirred to life, courtesy of some midday plate tectonics. Ah, that was fun. Must... email... everyone... "Did you feel that?"

Okay, now that I've spread seismic gossip around my circle of friends, let's get back to the show. So the girls all gave Shawn a pep talk about being confident, and then we cut to some late night footage of everyone sleeping. Everyone except Chuck and Scarlet. Turns out our bloody-nosed med student was burning the midnight oil giving away a free massage. Oh no he di'int! Even better was that after the kneading session was over, he told Scarlett, "I think you're the most beautiful woman in the house." To which she replied, "Oh my gosh! No way!" I wasn't sure if she was reacting to Chuck's come-on, or if she had simply found an Almond Joy in the bedcovers. Later though, she didn't seem to resist when he quietly caressed her back. Somebody call the FCC! This gentle courting is getting too hot!

The next day, we finally got to see the women model their clothing. The groups were brought to a runway where a trio of judges would assess them. We knew these experts were stylish because they all looked like idiots. Anyway, the silliness began relatively quickly as Mindi and Lauren discovered they had the same dresses, but in different colors. Oh, and Lauren's dress fit her while Mindi's was four sizes too big. "You look like a Christmas tree!" joked Lauren. Seriously though, with her fir-green dress sagging all over her, Mindi looked like... a Christmas tree... dammit. I hate when reality stars steal my lines.

Also not doing well on the size department was Krystal who clearly did not have an observant partner in Brad. "[The dress] fit me like a bag. A garbage bag," she complained. At least it wasn't as bad as Caitlin's dumb outfit which had her prancing around in a big, poofy, pink dress with a black sweater on top. It had all the patchwork flair of a bum fresh from the Goodwill dumpster.

The casual wear wasn't that bad, or at least, I don't think it was that bad -- the show skipped over most of it with some quick edits and some peppy music. The swim wear, however, was an exercise in schadenfreude. Mindi's baggy bikini bottoms had her concerned about incontinence. "I really felt like I was walking around with poop in my pants," she explained. This would go along nicely with Erika's advice to Joe on episode one when she said, "I want him to see someone on the street that's beautiful and say... you know what? That girl might have just pooped her pants!" Beauty and the Geek: reminding us that pretty girls poop too.

We then paused to have our creepy Geek moment of the episode as Shawn clinically noted that when it comes to watching the girls in bikinis, "There's a certain arousal factor." Things we don't want to see: Shawn's arousal factor.

Posted by B-side on June 16, 2005 8:59 PM