Elsewhere in the house, Shawn -- with his soporific NPR voice -- asked Mindi to dinner while Bill took on Caitilin (whose perky response of "I would love to!!!" reeked of sweet, midwestern friendliness). As for Richard, well, his options were limited. Nevertheless, he intrepidly tried out his seductive line: "I'm feeling a little ill." Yes, that always dazzles the ladies -- almost as much as "So my penis turns out to be the size of a thimble." Of course, he had no luck with Scarlet, and when Richard asked Caitilin out, she responded with "Sure! Can I have two dinners?" Oh SLAM! A little misdirection with a hearty helping of passive aggression on the side. Lovely. Ultimately, for all you math geniuses out there who hadn't figured it out (I'm looking at you, Krystal), Richard was left with the cheery Lauren, who oddly enough has grown quite fond of the mini-Woody Allen in recent weeks.

Anyway, dinner time came soon enough, which meant that Bill was ready to premiere his snazzy evening wear look. I can't say that it was a total success, but his giant collar was a refreshing throwback to the heyday of Lou Bega's "Mambo #5." Meanwhile, the pressure was on for Chuck, who now had a perfect chance to elevate his relationship with Scarlet to a whole new uncomfortable level. Well, if it was awkward you wanted, it was awkward you got. Chuck immediately launched into that most romantic of topics: Syria. Okay, rough opener. Surely he'd pull back the reigns a little and bring the conversation towards something a bit more accessible. Well, not so much. When the Syria schtick proved to be a dud, Chuck then talked about his experiences attending Quaker meetings. Oh man, that material is money, baby. Money. Scarlet, meanwhile, smiled politely, but even the most deaf person could hear the "Pop Goes the Weasel" music tinkling in her head. Bitter... memories... of every... Average Joe season... flooding... back...

Going more smoothly were the dates of Caitilin and Bill and Mindi and Shawn. The girls both had sweet things to say about their gentlemen callers, and a warm, fuzzy feeling swelled over me as the Beauties kindly encouraged the Geeks to be more confident. Ah, but why dote on these friendly couples when you can watch the wannabe-trainwreck in progress, Richard. An episode or two ago, Chuck wisely noted that for Richard, it's easier to be laughed at for being a buffoon rather than being himself. Well, that theory stood up just fine as Richard sabotaged his date with Lauren, all for the sake of comedy, albeit lame, dated comedy. I really don't want to get into the details of his antics, except to say that they were pretty much annoying. Even Lauren, who laughed, giggled, and chirped her way through most of the dinner, seemed to grow weary as the meal ticked on. Unfortunately for Richard, he seemed to have played his joke out just one step too far. Whereas we all came to Beauty and the Geek for the crazy culture clashes, we've ultimately stayed on board to see the transformations -- something that Richard has been unable to provide. He was an oddity the first episode, hysterical the second episode, old hat the third episode, and now simply annoying with this fourth episode. Still, he managed to turn up on The Best Week Ever, so I guess he's doing something right.

Anyway, the next day the women all convened at the Lisa Kline boutique in Beverly Hills where Brian McFayden supplied their much-hyped math challenge. Basically, the girls would be giving the guys makeovers. They would each have $1000 to spend on clothes, but here's the catch: the women would have to factor in an 8.5% sales tax... IN THEIR HEADS! (Cue the organ chords). So the challenge was a little creative. Okay, it was incredibly lame. At least it was over after about thirty seconds, which was good because I really couldn't deal with any more pained expressions and quiet murmurings of "...carry the one..."

After Brian McFayden tallied up the purchases (and resisted the metrosexual temptation to try on every outfit in the store), he announced that Lauren -- surprise, surprise -- had won the task. This meant that her partner Bill would receive "an advantage" during his portion of the challenge. Very exciting... right? Anyway, the gals all returned to the dojo where they revealed their fashion choices to their partners. As usual, Richard resisted change with a shrill litany of excuses. Seriously, they're just jeans. It's not like Mindi's making you wear ass-less, leather chaps. Or at least, we hope not. Shivers.

The show then switched to one of its three public domain music tracks as the guys all received a makeover (highlights and all!), and then finally -- after four weeks of anticipation -- we got to see the new and improved Geeks. Shawn was first, and despite his gigantic, yellow teeth, he looked very good. Textured hair, blonde highlights, normal clothing -- it was like the pretty boy Ryan Seacrest always wished he could be. Next up was Chuck who emerged looking... uh... pretty much the same. Yeah, his wardrobe was better, but his hair was basically the same (maybe lighter). Caitilin, however, had a much different opinion. "Chuck looked like a totally different person!" she exclaimed. Caitilin then added, "Oh wait, I was looking at that painting over there. That explains the powdered wig. Yeah, never mind. Chuck looks the same."

The third and most impressive transformation came from Bill, who emerged a new man once he swapped out his glasses and polo for hair product and a trendy button-down. Dare I say he actually looked normal? Looks like someone will be the Belle of the Dukes of Hazzard Fan Club Ball...

Posted by B-side on June 28, 2005 1:50 AM