The big finale opened up with an obligatory look back at the season. I instantly felt all warm and tingly as Brian McFayden's joyfully bland voice narrated us through the ups and downs of living in the mansion. Why look, there's Lauren throwing away her bottle rocket! Hey, there's Caitilin breaking her nail! How now, it's Richard getting his very first massage! So many memories. Awww, it's Joe and Erika. Awww, Chuck's awkward date with Scarlet. Awww, Brad's herpes. Thanks Brian McFayFay. This has been the best opening evah!

Hmmm... oddly missing from this feel-good recap was Scarlet's transformation from sweet flirt to hostile bitch. Seriously, did you see her last week? She made Shawn's NPR voice stretch to vast new levels of soporific tonality. And by the way, I have a bone to pick with you, WB. Smack in the middle of last week's episode -- long before the elimination room -- you went and aired a promo for the reunion show and REVEALED THE FINAL TWO TEAMS! What the f*ck?? Where's your stupid little frog? I want to kill him.

Anyhoo, the recap finally ended with Brian McFayden asking the perennial question, "Who has made the biggest transformation?" Um, actually, shouldn't you be asking, "Who has done the best at random trivia?" Just saying. I mean, Richard makes for good TV, but, um, he hasn't really changed that much, unless you count spooning experience as a major transformation.

With last week's elimination over and done with, Chuck and Caitilin waited anxiously in their suite for the victorious team to return. Chuck in particular was quite nervous because he desperately wanted to see his lovely Scarlet one last time. Sadly, he wouldn't have the chance to whisper sweet nothings about Syria in her ear as Richard and Mindi returned instead.

"We're back!" the duo squealed as they bounced into the room. I kind of liked their entrance. It was like a sitcom from 1973 --you know, maybe a long lost spinoff from Maude called Rich and Mindi. Ricardo Montalban and Catherine Helmond could play their uptight neighbors across the hall, and Charles Nelson Reilly could be their wacky landlord. Man, I would totally watch Rich and Mindi.

Anyway, even though he was a bundle of energy and excitement, Richard confessed, "I didn't look Chuck in the eye because I was afraid that he would karate chop me." Honestly, that would be awesome. Luckily for Richard, Chuck had other pressing matters on his mind. You guessed it: Scarlet. "I felt like the house got a lot bigger and a lot colder," he said sadly, adding, "And my penis just got a lot limper too."

Frustrated that his sweetie pie would no longer be with him, Chuck worked out his aggression by doing some pushups and swiping at the air, Rocky style. Yeah, it was about as intimidating as Billy Ocean singing "When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going." Listen Chuck, you got two nosebleeds on the first episode and your body has all the definition of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Just do what you normally do when you get frustrated: write an essay about Quaker meetings.

Anyway, we moved from this silly montage to Richard, who was now prancing around in red sweatpants and a wife-beater. One word, ladies: HOT. I don't know how Rachel Perry overlooked him for Stripsearch. Something tells me there'll be a nice spread waiting for him in the Men of Reality TV Calendar for 2006...

Well, with Chuck punching the air and Richard wearing a skimpy outfit, it was only a matter of time before these two forces came together for one über-Geek moment. For whatever reason, they began practicing martial arts moves on each other, with Richard telling us, "With the flick of a wrist, he can kill me." Uh, Richard, even a one armed toddler can kill you. It's not that hard, really.

Nevertheless, this segment quickly turned nasty as the two guys opted to meditate with their shirts off. Mmmm... sweaty, pale geeks. Excuse me now while I gouge out my eyes. Honestly, all I want to do is go over to the corner, curl up into a little ball, and suck my thumb.

Your epidermis is showing! Seriously, cover it up.

With the shirtless male bonding over, Chuck and Richard seemed to be on better terms, causing Mindi to comment, "I don't know what came over either of them." Me neither, but I hope it goes away (or at least encourages them to keep their shirts on now).

Posted by B-side on July 7, 2005 4:15 AM