The next morning, the two remaining teams made their way down to the living room where Brian McFayden greeted them from behind his little podium. I'm still trying to figure out its purpose. It's not like Brian's holding an auction. Maybe it's there as more of a guardrail, you know, in case the flaxen-haired host collapses under the weight of his own blandness. Nevertheless, McFayden announced that the teams would have a day off before the final challenge, but that in the meantime, each person should show his or her partner an activity that he or she excels at. Well, that's not much of a day off now, IS IT? Thanks for lying to us, BRIAN. Why don't you go find Suchin Pak and make little MTV News babies with her. Or is Gideon Yago more your speed? Shut up, Brian McFayden. I hope Sway beats you up and then gags you with his tam.

Ha, that'll teach him.

Anyway, Chuck took Caitilin to a martial arts dojo where he taught her some of the basic moves of karate. Or maybe it was tai chi. I don't know. I wasn't paying that close attention. All I know is that Caitilin kept saying "Kia" with all the bloodlust of a librarian smiling at her desk. Chuck meanwhile exorcized years of sexual frustration through quick, loud bursts of rage. Later, he had Caitilin punch him in the stomach over and over again while he simply said "Good" or "That's good" or "God, I wish you were Scarlet." Okay, he didn't say that last one, but there was something creepy and sadomasochistic about the entire experience. It kind of made me pine for the simple days of watching Chuck and Richard meditate shirtless.

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Mindi and Richard shared a bonding moment as she taught him all about kayaking. Things were a little rough at first as Richard found himself careening into various boats and flotsam in the water, but eventually he got the hang of it, ultimately heaping praise upon the sport: "This is better than sunbathing because you could theoretically do this in the nude." A) You can sunbathe in the nude; B) Richard, please don't kayak in the nude; and C) seriously, do NOT kayak in the nude. We already saw you shirtless today. Let's just keep it at that.

After Richard and Mindi had their adventures on the lake, the two settled down on a hillside and had a picnic. Awww. Only this show could make me smile sweetly at such a simple activity. Maybe that's because unlike other beauty/geek shows (ahem, Average Joe: Hawaii), the scene wasn't ruined by an errant bomb or roving submarine. Nevertheless, at this sunshiney picnic, Mindi announced, "If we won, I would make out with you." Whaaa? Okay, NOW I have a vested interest in seeing the results of this competition. Please let Mindi and Richard win. I know the image of them making out might be so awkward and terrible that it will be forever seared into my brain, but I'm willing to take that risk. PLEASE.

Back at the house, it was time for Caitilin to showcase her expertise. In this case, it was cooking. We then spent five minutes watching her prepare a lovely salmon meal while Chuck battled with low-level OCD. The poor guy scrubbed down so rigorously, I thought he was going to do an autopsy on the asparagus.

As for Richard, his activity was actually fairly heartfelt. He brought Mindi into a room romantically decked out in rose petals and candles and then made passionate love to her. Ew, no. Sorry, I don't know why I just went there. Truth was that they did enter a romantically decorated room, but only so Richard could play the piano for Mindi. He dazzled her with some Scott Joplin, and for once, we actually got the sense that Richard was somehow being honest as he communicated through the music. Even later as he sung a dopey song ("Mindy / It's windy / when you're not with me"), Richard seemed oddly sincere. "I really wish we had a piano the whole time," said Mindi later, noting its calming effect on her partner. She then added, "Some Ritalin would have helped too."

The next day, both teams fretted in anticipation of the final challenge, a trial so grandiose and daunting that the producers had no option other than to shroud it in secrecy. With only hours left in the house, the contestants turned introspective as they contemplated what they had learned. Mindi noted that she had learned to speak up for herself and not be a pushover. Uh, that's great, but how exactly did she do that? By building model rockets? Calculating sales tax? Wearing an oversized bikini bottom? Eh, I won't press it too much because Mindi's my favorite cast member at this point. She can really do no wrong in my book.

I guess if there's anything that should make Mindi feel better, it's that she's proven to be an ace with rudimentary trivia. "She's the geek, and I'm just the beauty," joked Richard, clearly never having seen himself meditate shirtless before. Ah, but the Lil' Woody Allen was on a roll. When Chuck told him to check out some books, Richard replied, "I won't check out those books. I'll chuck them out." This just in: Richard will be performing at the Rubenstein 50th Anniversary Party at Temple Beth-Shalom on Tuesday. The show is free, but donations to Hadassah are always welcome.

Actually, Richard's best pun was purely unintentional: "I gotta make out with Mindi, and it's all coming to a head tonight." Yeah, now that's the sort of pun I like! Juvenile and raunchy! Yay!

Posted by B-side on July 7, 2005 4:15 AM