Speaking of inanimate objects, Julie Chen was on hand tonight, as always, to oversee the reliably awkward live episode. Tonight she had either just gotten laid or taken some valium because she seemed relatively at ease, not even scolding the house guests once during the HOH competition. I'm glad Julie was so relaxed because otherwise she might have noticed the giant camel toe she was sporting in her super tight white pants. Nevertheless, Ms. Chen flubbed up only once, and hit all her "But first" cues perfectly. Additionally, she has taken the fine art of the parenthetical aside to new levels. When Julie says "Holly, the model from Los Angeles", we really feel the apposition.

As predicted, the meeting of Julie and Holly was an auditory wonderland: the union of awkward robotic precision and flighty ditziness. The complete disconnect between these two was riveting. When Julie asked Holly about her thoughts on the eviction, we were surprised the model just didn't blurt out "Purple!" Later, during the goodbye videos, everyone pretty much told Holly she was an amazing person, except Diane who kept her valediction to a succinct "GOOD RIDDANCE!". But the biggest shock for Blondie came moments later when Adria and her twin, Natalie, appeared on screen together to say adios. Holly was completely baffled by the sight, and she had an expression that suggested her brain might actually explode, or at least issue a system error. You could see the mental processes all over her face as she tried to absorb the Adria twist. Her eyes seemed to say "Two... Adrias... No... mirrors... Pretty... earings..." Someone get this girl a cold compress.

Also needing some sort of self-medication was Jase who seemed to plunge into a mighty depression with the surprise ouster of his cuddle buddy. No more beard for you, Mister! As the household gathered in the wake of Holly's egress, Jase quietly separated himself from the group so he could have a moment alone by the bathtub. Marvin ambled around the corner, presumably to cheer up his buddy in need. But when the mortician came to an awkward halt, it became clear that all he wanted to do was pee. Marvin scurried over to the toilet with nary a word of support for his lovelorn friend. It was classic misdirection, all on live TV.

Question: Who's the only officially gay male of this group?

I guess I can understand Jase's frustration. After all, the Horsemen did have an airtight plan to get rid of Adria instead - you know, the sort of plan carefully etched out with Lifesavers and Cheez-Its. For those of you baffled by this, the Four Horsemen held a strategy session in the HOH room where they pondered the pros and cons of saving Adria. When the logistics became too complicated, the guys barked that most common of War Room orders: "GET THE LIFESAVERS!!!" Within seconds, the guys had laid out a batch of predominantly red lifesavers, each one representing a house guest. The lone Cheez-It in the mix (don't ask me how it got in there), was reserved for Holly. Normally, I'd think these guys would rely on counting with, you know, their fingers, but I guess desperate times call for desperate measures, which in this case means the sugary abacus that is a roll of Lifesavers. The guys poured over this rudimentary hybrid of Candyland meets Risk with such intensity that it was no surprise that a spate of bickering broke out amongst the quartet. You would have thought a wayward Tic-Tac or Chicklet had entered the mix. Drew, who amazingly had grown some balls since his last sobbing clash with the big guys, noted that every time the Cheez-It inched closer to the door, Jase became more irritated.

“It’s not about the cheese!” yelled Jase. Well, duh. Did he really think Drew had an issue with the actual Cheez-It? Maybe Jase thought they were conspiring to replace Holly with a nefarious Triscuit, or even a Saltine. Personally, I would have liked a shout out from the Wheat Thin lobby, but that’s neither here nor there.

Jase realized he was losing the guys in the heated hard candy forum; so he tried to speak slowly and logically. “Holly, the cracker, would never vote us off,” he explained. You heard it here first. The Cheez-It is pro-Lifesaver! Now, I may have bungled the second half of that quote, but I do know for sure that Jase did say “Holly, the cracker” which leads me to ask one thing: how much more idiotic can these guys get? Was this entire candy/cracker scheme too difficult to follow? Had the nature of the strategy session become so overwhelmingly complex that Jase needed to remind everyone that the sole Cheez-It represented dear Holly? I also sincerely hope the guys realize the cracker only symbolizes Holly and that it’s not actually her. You never know with Scott hanging around. At times I worried the big gorilla might actually swoop down and gobble up the Nakomis Lifesaver. Then the Horsemen would really be confused.

Posted by B-side on July 29, 2004 11:08 PM