But first - as she is wont to say - Julie had to haul the jurors into the studio for some live voting action. The front row of women - Adria, Natalie, Karen, and Diane - dazzled all with their emphasis on pink and turquoise variations on Southwest designs. And when I say "dazzled", I mean "repulsed." Nevertheless, everyone voted in a somber process that momentarily transformed the Big Brother studio into the Weakest Link. After voting was over, Julie then ushered in Big Brother losers Mike, Lori, Holly, Scott, and Jase. Scott rambunctiously bounced through the crowd wearing his patented mandana. Two months ago, i would have spent two paragraphs bashing him and his silly clothes, but ever since his final episode, my opinion of Scott has drastically reversed. Now I actually like Scott, and as he raised his hands in goofy triumph, I couldn't help shaking my head like a 1960s sitcom character and saying "Oh, that Scott..." Honestly, I believe that Scott in the house is a different creature than Scott in the real world. Now that he's out of the game, he seems to have dropped his persona to some degree, and we can see why the other houseguests always seem to affectionately tell stories about him.

Jase on the other hand is a whole 'nother story. For all this guy's talk about playing a character and making good TV, he certainly doesn't know when to drop "the act." He was all humble on talk shows like Regis, but subsequent Big Brother appearances, including this final episode, prove that he is unwilling to depart from his on air persona. Maybe that's because his on air persona is actually his true personality. Well, lucky for America, there are blogs like TVgasm that are ready to take him down a peg.

Let's just settle this once and for all. Jase truly sucks. It was bad enough that he waltzed on camera wearing yellow rouge and more makeup than is required for televised appearances. And it was bad enough that he had plucked his eyebrows and chose a scarf/blazer outfit for the occasion (it was in the 90s today in Los Angeles. Not exactly scarf weather, unless you have malaria). But the worst part about Jase's return was the bitter, childish, and overly rehearsed demeanor in which he conducted himself. First he tried to rankle Will passive-aggressively with a battery of vague insults that seemed more appropriate for the seventh grade school bus. Of course, his rushed and excited delivery ruined what had clearly been a carefully planned out attack. Jase might dress gay, but he's still got a ways to go before he can hone that catty humor.

Jase continued to shame the genes that bore him as he turned his wrath towards the very diplomatic Scott. Julie asked why they don't talk anymore, and the three became awkwardly quiet. Holly donned her usual puzzled face, which made me think that Julie might have slipped her a little arithmetic question. You know, like "What's 4 + 5?" or "What's 1 +... I don't know. Just say 1." After the moment passed, Jase once again resurrected his flawed logic that Scott had betrayed the Horsemen by voting out Holly. But Jase, she was getting in the way of the alliance, as evidenced that the alliance imploded after she wedged her way in and... oh forget it. You suck, Jase.

Anyway, Jase accused Scott of being jealous, which may or may not be true. To really stick it to him, Jase embraced Holly in a gesture that seemed to say "This is my toy!" It was really quite lovely. Actually, it was awkward. Not lovely but awkward. Moments later, Julie put Scott on the spot by forcing him to come clean about his feelings about the Santa Monica Van Boys, and the lovable oaf confessed that the alliance was a sham. Marvin tried to play it off as if he knew, but you could see him slowly trying to calculate how much money he had wasted in making "Santa Monica Van Boys Forever!!!!" T-Shirts.

Meanwhile, Holly tried to explain her relationship with Diane. She insisted that she was a very genuine person, but Diane apparently just didn't like her. Maybe that ultra-sexy Kathleen Turner voice was just too pleasant to listen to. Diane accused Holly of stealing her clothes - typical Diane retort - and Holly and Jase countered that they had had the last laugh by bestowing Holly's kitty of bad luck onto Diane and - nevermind, it was too ridiculous to rehash. Needless to say, the three cumulative brain cells between this couple thought they had found the feline equivalent of the Karma Boomerang. Eventually, the bickering had to come to an end as Julie channelled her pin-stripe power and moved the show back to the final vote. Truthfully, I could have sat through an hour of these people arguing. I loved it.

Anyway, Julie slowly read the votes, which excitingly came down to a 3-3 tie. Will's key was the deciding vote, and much to my happiness, Drew won the Grand Prize. SPLAT! Once again, Drew's brain exploded.

That's okay. If I won $500,000, my brain would probably explode also. After recovering his gray matter, Drew and Cowboy exchanged a series of hugs and handshakes. As the two slowly headed to the front door, Julie engaged in possibly her most awkward moment of the season. She happily proclaimed "The winner of Big Brother 5:" and then... nothing. She inhaled as if to make a big announcement, but then just stood there smiling. Classic Chenbot stuff. And yes, we do have a video of it:

Posted by B-side on September 22, 2004 2:54 AM