Surf's Up in the Big Brother House! - 
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We've hyped it up for weeks, and now it's time for the Big Brother 6 premiere. Some might argue that this is more exciting than digging into a parfait or finally ridding yourself of constipation. Sorry, that made no sense. Madeyoulaugh made a bet that "parfait" and "constipation" couldn't be used in the same sentence in this intro. You see, that's the sort of giddiness Big Brother brings out in us. If we wait any longer, who knows what dumb bets we'll make, so let's just start this thing!
8:13 PM
The Tivo is at 0:00. So exciting!
8:13 PM
"It's a house like no other!" It's two stories! HOLY SHIT! Architecture has come so far!
8:14 PM
"Only fourteen men and women will enter this house." BUT ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE! We call it MURDERBROTHER!
8:17 PM
"This summer, it's a summer of secrets!" SECRETS! Like... tacky wall art.
8:17 PM
"It'll change the way the Big Brother game is played!" The water will be infected with Chlamydia!
8:18 PM
Really glad the front door has "Push" on it. Because of all those embarrassing "Pull" moments.
8:18 PM
Chenbot's wearing silver. It's very Tin Man chic.
The Chenbot rotates 47 degrees and commences travel across the set.8:20 PM
Is this Julie Chen's first non-seated intro EVER?
8:20 PM
"Secrets" Count: 4. Honestly, she just said it four times in three seconds.
8:22 PM
By the way, we're only one minute into our Tivo broadcast. God, Julie is a vision in metal.
8:24 PM
Julie Chen lowers herself down to her couch with all the grace of Kathy Bates taking a shit. Lovely.
Did Julie Chen just fart on the Big Brother set?8:25 PM
Uh oh. Chenbot's starting to slur. Take cover!
8:26 PM
Why is this Julie Chen room so dark and spacious? Will there be acrobatics?
8:30 PM
"I'm Michael, and the houseguests will be putty in my hands." And by "putty" he means "I'm dumb".
8:32 PM
Ivette just kissed what seems to be Piggy from Road Rules. We're not sure, but we think Ivette may have just transfered a mole onto Piggy's face too.
8:34 PM
Hey, what does Janelle's t-shirt say? "Dude where's my..." Whore?
8:34 PM
VIP Cocktail waitress? She's wearing lingerie, so I'm guessing VIP really means GFE. If you have to ask what that means, we probably shouldn't tell you. But go ahead and ask Heidi Fleiss.
8:35 PM
"I'm Maggie." And I'm plain! "The other houseguests will need a nurse when I get done with them," she says as she snaps a latex glove on her hand. Is she giving prostate exams? And if she's a nurse, why will they need a nurse when she's done with them? She's a terrible nurse. For shame.
8:38 PM
"This is the very first time they have all seen each other." Well, except they all know one other person in the house and... well, never mind. It's Big Brother. A time to rejoice.
8:39 PM
Julie talks to the cast via her TV screen. Uh, aren't they standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU? Somebody turn the Chenbot around. Her wheels aren't working.
8:41 PM
Ashlea - pronounced "Ash-Leah." YES! We totally predicted that!
8:42 PM
They're all sleeping in the same room. Ah, the long-awaited orgy season!
8:43 PM
Janelle knocks over a topiary. It's a summer of secrets!!!!!
8:45 PM
Howie: "Janelle, those baby blue eyes and blonde hair and great skin tone and..." testicles?
8:45 PM
"Is it really that hard to figure out who the gay guy is? But who cares," says Eric, clearly caring.
8:46 PM
My name's April, I am 47, but tell everybody that I am 23. I am also a newlywed for eight months, almost as long as Nick and Jessica. Don't mind those wrinkles on my neck. That just means I'm really young and not 47.
8:53 PM
James lies about being a teacher, saying he taught "9th grade philosophy". Why, didn't you just say you were from Rome, NY? Get it? Rome? Philosophy? Um... boobies! (That always gets the crowd going).
8:54 PM
Secretes count: 6 [ed. note - this is supposed to read "Secrets", but for some reason, "secrete" works just as well]
8:54 PM
First commercial! Only took one hour. BTW, I hope this is funny, because we'll be here all night.
9:02 PM
In another surprise, the house guests learn that they might have to eat PB&J if they don't win groceries. Since when did this happen? Ah, but will it be strawberry or grape jelly? A SUMMER OF SECRETS! (p.s. I heard there was a jar of Nutella hidden somewhere. Again, Summer of Secrets).
9:03 PM
Julie Chen informs the house guests that they can win "head of household" or "HOH", in case they weren't familiar with the show. Hey, "HOH" - what a great nickname. They should use that every season...
9:04 PM
Swimsuits in the back yard! Preliminary implant count: 4.
Eric's big secret: I'M VIN DIESEL!9:05 PM
Julie Chen describes the reward challenge, saying the goal is to get the balls in the big kahuna's mouth. I didn't know Les talked so dirty, Julie. You nasty girl!
9:06 PM
Kaysar plays basketball, but in Iraq it was called basketbomb. Must have sucked to run suicides at basketbomb camp. Ah, yes, easy potshots.
9:08 PM
Kaysar? More like Sweatsar. Nice pit stains, JASE!
9:10 PM
April was great grabbing coconuts, she's had 45 years to practice.
9:11 PM
Beau starts placing some nuts in the mouth for the blue team. Gay black men are especially adept at avoiding the rimshot and penetrating the hole.
9:13 PM
23-7 win for the orange team.
9:14 PM
Is that April or Adria? First bible reference - "We smote - SMOTE - the other team!"
9:15 PM
I LOVE how cold the water is. (Nipples)
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