A Room Of One's Own - 
by B-side
It's only been a mere five days since the last installment of Big Brother, but I swear, without the essential Saturday episode, I could hardly make it to today. Was CBS mad??? The season premiere was like a junkie rediscovering heroin -- or crack (like Big Brother, it's a socially maligned drug). It's pure, instant addiction. Once you've had that first taste, you can't go back. That is, until CBS forces you to go cold turkey in September, quietly weaning you off with a steady diet of Survivor and Amazing Race. Point is, I was happy to have a fresh Big Brother waiting for me on the family TiVo. Yeah, there's no clear villain yet, and yeah, there's no one particularly funny yet, and yeah, the cast is fairly pretty but bland, but who cares! This is just the beginning of the most socially complicated reality show out there. What's not to love?
Okay, I just asked, "What's not to love?" as if I were some low-rent Toyota commercial. I can answer that question very easily: the new theme song. Whither the twinkly piano? Whither the muzak instrumentation? Whither the gentle tempo? WHITHER, PEOPLE? Now we have raging guitars (at least by CBS standards) and a rockin' drumbeat. Sigh. Hey, at least we still have that creepy eye at the very end. That's got to be worth something.
Anyway, the episode began just after Rachel's nomination ceremony placed Kaysar and Ashlea on the chopping block. Eric, who spent the latter half of the premiere organizing a flimsy male alliance, immediately cornered Kaysar and told him, "You're safe, you know that, right? Look at me. Look in my eyes. Do you trust me?" Stay away, little man. I don't know how anyone could trust a guy whose eyes dart around more frequently than someone maintaining eye contact with a housefly. But then again, all he has to do is dangle the fireman card to get instant respect. Either that or threaten to stuff someone in his giant chin dimple, but that's a worst case scenario.
With the awkwardness of the nomination ceremony taking a toll on her, Rachel sat on her bed and let a gaggle of women dote on her. Things became immediately awkward, however, when mid-cooing, Kaysar showed up to talk. As soon as he set foot inside the doorway, the ladies all fell silent, as if to say, "An Arabian has entered the room. We shall cower now."
Anyway, Kaysar only wanted to smooth things over with the Head of Household. He babbled a little bit, ultimately saying, "It doesn't mean...I have nothing against you." Wait, so does that mean he does have something against her? It was a double negative. Okay, okay, I know what he meant. It was just an unfortunate stutter. Rachel meanwhile replied with similar diplomacy. "You're a great guy, Kaysar," she said, adding, "It's just that, well, I'm scared of Arabs."
We then cut to the backyard where the lazy camera fawned on the pool for a few seconds. Would this be the beginning of a goofy pool segment? Or perhaps the traditional, "All the guys in the house are soooo hot!!!" commentary by a slackjawed houseguest? Turns out it was neither. We were still with Kaysar who had now moved from the ladies to Beau. As the two talked strategy, Marcellas 2.0 gushed, "Even though you and I are like completely from totally different backgrounds, I could see myself relating to you like ten times more than I do a lot of other guys here." So does that mean Kaysar is gay? Or is Beau simply an Iraqi with very African features? SUMMER OF SECRETS!
Nevertheless, the two continued to talk, and as Kaysar pondered why he was nominated so quickly, Beau commented, "There are so many strong personalities in this house right now... you are an introvert." Introvert, eh? Now that's a neat little euphemism. Clearly, we know why Kaysar was singled out. It's the elephant in the room. Two words: metrosexual wireframes. What? You thought I was going to say "Arab Muslim"? Racist jerks.
Okay, enough of this nonsense. Let's have one of those prototypical goofy segments that the producers can set to jazzy public domain music. Yes, it was time to profile Howie, the guy who's so funny we forgot to laugh. This aspiring meteorological whizz probably thinks he's the buzz of America's living rooms, although with his tired weather humor from the last episode ("With most jobs, if you say something's gonna happen and it doesn't happen, you get fired. But if a weatherman says it's gonna rain and it doesn't, well, they just keep you along." HILARious, Howie! So fresh!), I hardly think he's endeared himself to anyone. The problem with Howie (or one of the many, many problems he has) is that he's too self-consciously aware of playing up to the cameras. That's not necessarily a new phenomenon, but as long as you're going to do it, at least jump upside down onto a punching bag like David from season four.
Anyway, I regret to inform everyone that Howie appears to be our funny guy (although, I think James could step up in future episodes. He did lie and say he was a teacher, after all). The houseguest reactions to Howie have pretty much centered around disbelief. "Howie's too out there for me!" said Ivette, adding, "He just doesn't have enough moles." April had similar sentiments (not about the moles though). "The things that come out of his mouth is unbelievable," she said, adding, "For instance, he thinks I'm 45. What a crazy guy!"
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