The episode began in a glimmering way as Julie Chen greeted us in a metallic, sparkly dress oddly reminiscent of my junior prom's Mylar decorations. With glitter twinkling on her shoulders and a giant smile plastered on her face, the Chenbot seemed ready to attack tonight's show with a festive elegance not usually seen outside of figure skating. In fact, I'd wager to say that if Kristi Yamaguchi and an Oscar statuette had a lovechild, it would be Julie Chen.

Anyway, after the past two weeks saw the Chenbot teetering down the perilous staircase of the Big Brother house, the producers wisely moved their hostess to lower ground tonight. Julie was instead stationed just outside her little studio door, and thankfully only had a few paces to walk before she lowered herself onto her Couch Of Awkward Badinage. Ah, but even the simplest routines can be exciting as the Chenbot nearly flashed her hootchie to the entire country. Yes, a poorly placed seam and a scandalously short skirt nearly gave way to a Basic Instinct moment as Julie sat down and crossed her legs. Sadly, no X-rated body parts flashed on screen. Instead, all we could see was a tantalizing darkness that was both mysterious and disturbing.

The Anti-Camel Toe

Seconds later, Julie Chen provided her next awkward moment simply by glancing at the flat screen TV behind her left shoulder. Honestly, if I simply say, "Julie Chen looked at the TV screen to her left," it doesn't sound terribly strange or bizarre. And such is the beauty of the Chenbot. Words cannot describe how robotic she is, but seeing her head swivel around with mechanical precision is a sight of pure wonder. Okay, okay, I'm just babbling now. I'll get on with it.

Julie Chen's helmet (Chelmet?) grows larger by the day.

After Julie's first "But First!" of the evening, we then watched the houseguests in the wake of Saturday's dustup. Michael and Eric, the two principals of the conflict, sat outside at the table and made peace. "I apologize...if you felt I was aggressive in a sense," said Eric. In a sense??? You CHARGED him like a bull! Well, actually, he looked more like a really angry turtle, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, the two agreed that they were "cool," and so came the pitiful attempts by CBS to have us believe that Michael would not be going home tonight. Suddenly, Eric was in his HOH room saying that Michael's not as bad as he thought. Then we saw Queen Buzzard April as she noted, "I can easily vote Janelle off this week." Hey, grandma, didn't you just tell Janelle that you had her back? Or was that simply an expression from 1947 meaning "I hate you"?

Anyway, sensing that she might have to secure her position a little bit, Janelle worked her charm on Howie by inviting him into bed and picking his brain. He didn't feel like she was in any trouble because "The Surfboard People" would all look out for each other. Surfboard people? Oh -- those were the seven people who stuck it out on the surfboard that first night. Hmmm...so is "The Surfboard People" going to be this year's self-titled alliance? Sigh. Hey, at least it's better than "Santa Monica Van Boys."

Okay, back to Julie. With the houseguests eagerly awaiting the voting results, the Chenbot conducted her weekly questioning of the assembled cast members. She asked Kaysar how the house was in the wake of Fight Night, and he replied, "I think we've grown up a bit." Listen, it's not like you all just had a near death experience. And I refuse to believe anything stemming from Eric's 'roid rage could ever lead to a coming-of-age personal growth. Nevertheless, Julie asked the same question to Ivette who said that she was now trying to keep her big mouth shut. However, Ivette stumbled through her answer, eventually ending with, "I'm speechless. You got nothing to say sometimes." To which Julie Chen said, "Oh, I know about that!!" We then sat through ten seconds of silence as everyone looked awkwardly at each other and then at Julie.

All right, that didn't happen (again), but we did get another "But First!" and then got to see some of the house guests talking about the pros and cons of both nominees. Sarah babbled about something, and I was very happy to see that she was in her third term of pregnancy. You go girl! Would this be the first reality star baby to be born on a show? James, meanwhile, told us that Janelle "has no self-respect." This coming from a guy who willingly appears on Big Brother, a show where millions of people can watch you masturbate on the Internet. Speaking of wacking off, Howie showed up next to comment, "I love Janelle. She's a good friend of mine and hopefully a future hookup of mine." Riiiight. Good luck with that buddy. I'm sure she'll eventually warm up to your Drew Carey humor and oversized tank tops. You know, assuming she goes blind and deaf in the next few hours.

Posted by B-side on July 22, 2005 2:49 AM