When we came back from commercial break, the Chenbot had Eric all sequestered in his Head of Household room and actually managed to ask him some pointed questions. First: what did Michael allegedly say about his family? Keep in mind that what we the viewers saw on Tuesday's episode was Michael saying that he wanted to piss Eric off by asking how his grandparents died. Okay, so what Eric actually heard: "Somebody had brought back some comments that he had made about my family and about my father and mother to the effect that I must have been abandoned as a kid in Boston -- That's why I came to Vegas." Now maybe Michael did say that, but for now, I just have to say that's a damn good game of Telephone they've got going on! Honestly, Eric must be a total idiot. If he actually put time into thinking about the content of the alleged insult, he'd see it makes no sense. He was abandoned and therefore had to go to Vegas? WTF? Why wasn't his first reaction, "Oh, she must have heard that wrong." That would be like someone telling me, "Oh, J-Unit said your spatula is ugly and that's why Juliette Binoche didn't want to go on safari with you." NO ONE SAYS THAT ABOUT MY SPATULA!

Anyway, Eric droned on and on, and I feared that I might instantly fall asleep and miss the rest of the show. Luckily, Julie followed up with another good question (whoever programmed her for this segment did a fine job). She asked how exactly did Michael break his trust. Eric explained that Michael had been spending too much time around Janelle (although, wasn't the original beef that he was spending too much time with Jennifer?). Since he considered the VIP waitress a threat from day one, Eric therefore viewed Michael and Janelle's "talking" and "smiling" and "breathing the same air" as a violation of trust. Clearly! Hey dumbass, why not use their relationship to your advantage? You know, get some reconnaissance on your enemy? Oh, that's right. That would be "logical" not "dumb."

After Julie was done questioning the stumpy firefighter, we then saw some silly footage of Michael and Janelle's burgeoning romance. That's right. Perhaps forced into each other's arms out of necessity, the two had suddenly become an item over the past few days. And who can blame Janelle? Michael's a real charmer. A sample line: "That perfume you wear is intoxicating." Ooooh. I can already hear the Barry White playing in the background. Lay another one on her, brother man. "I want to reach over right now and kiss you." Oh yeah. It's gettin' hot in here! Hey Janelle, did you use Windex on your fly? Because Michael can really see himself in your pants!

Amazingly, these lines seemed to have worked. Either that or Janelle had succumbed to her boredom and decided to get a little hanky panky while she could. The best part of all this though was her casual dismissal of her boyfriend. Apparently she had been seeing a guy in Manhattan prior to the show, but, well, he's not a reality star now, is he? "It's incredibly uncomfortable for me to break up with someone on a television show," said Janelle, but she proceeded anyway. "I'm sorry, and I understand if you never want to talk to me again." HA! Awesome! Some guy just got rejected by a hottie in front of millions of people. I particularly loved Janelle's unsentimental, business-as-usual demeanor. She has much to teach her reality star brethren.

Asked why she liked Michael though, Janelle answered very simply: "He's kind of a snob." And people wonder why Michael and Janelle are my favorites. Snobbery is always a good thing on Big Brother. Anyway, super sleuth Maggie had sniffed out this secret love affair, and she noted that the two always seemed to be going off behind closed doors to make out. Later, we saw footage of the couple kissing in the backyard. Yes, and what a closed door romance it was! "They seem very comfortable together," Maggie noted, adding, "Much like me and donuts."

Actually, Maggie was right. Michael and Janelle were very comfortable around each other, which is too bad because maybe Michael would have otherwise felt some shame in attempting to recreate the upside down Spider-Man kiss on Janelle. The only problem: he was kind of at an odd angle on account of him NOT hanging upside down. I guess you could say it was less Spider-Man and more Murderball. Sorry, I just like saying Murderball. ........ MURDERBALL!!!

Julie Chen finally returned to our screens, chirped "But First!" and then introduced us to the next set of voting houseguests. AARP poster child April was up first and immediately dissed Janelle: "When a guy says hi, she says, 'Hiiii'." DAMN THOSE SALUTATIONS! A pox on anyone who employs them!

Jennifer, meanwhile, had the most interesting voting rationale: "I'm not a lesbian or anything, but a good reason to keep Janelle around is that she's pretty to look at." Whatever, LESBIAN! Ah, I'm just kidding. But I did enjoy Jennifer's hasty disclaimer about her sexual orientation. Not that there's anything wrong with it. We then cut to Jennifer strumming a guitar and singing, "I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains..."

(Picture me blowing into my hand bugle) Burr Burrr Burrrrrr!

Big Brother 5 update time! Yay!

After the commercial break, the Chenbot greeted us with the happy excitement of a mother letting her kids open up their Christmas presents. And for good reason. It was time for us to catch up with the most memorable duos from last season. Julie marked the occasion with a celebratory slurring as she introduced "The outrageoush Jase and Holly." Wonderful.

Posted by B-side on July 22, 2005 2:49 AM