Anyway, it took about .135 seconds of Holly for us to remember just how awful she was. After waving her dumb pooch's paw at us, Holly explained that she dated Jase for about ten months, but "I couldn't handle country music anymore." That's funny. I heard he couldn't stand THE CONSTANT SOUND OF YOUR VOICE! Jase, meanwhile, was back in Ohio looking as toolish as ever. His hair had turned brown, but it was still sky-high and stupid looking, which gave me some comfort. The aspiring actor said he had to return home because at heart, he was just a country boy. Well, that's a nifty little rationalization for your failed acting career. Jase continued: "LA is a tough town." Yeah, especially if you have NO TALENT (or sleeves).

Sweet tat! I'm sure you'll never regret it, what with it being so artistically done and all...

Next up were siblings Nakomis and Michael (a.k.a. Cowboy). These two ended on rocky terms last season, but hey, they're family! Can't wait to see how they've filled in the gaps in each other's lives! "Everyone wants to know, 'Do you keep in contact with your sister,' and this is like the first time we've been together since the show," said Michael. We then cut to Nakomis looking at Michael's wedding photos and saying, "So Scott and Drew went to the wedding?" OUCH! No invite for lil' sis? That's gonna be one awkward Thanksgiving (assuming Nakomis is invited). Just thinking about it is too nervousing for me!

Speaking of bitterness, we then caught up with Diane and Drew, last season's power couple whose demise came at the hand of one million dollars. In his patently slowwwww voice, Drew said, "After the show--" you bought cheesy items for your apartment like a sign that says "BELIEVE"? Actually, no, he didn't say that. Instead, he revealed that he had moved to Los Angeles to become...wait for it...wait for it...an actor! Who would have thunk it? The good news is that Drew does have an acting coach, and he even had a bit part on The Bold and the Beautiful a few months ago (Drew did, not the acting coach). And here's a little bit of useless trivia. I ran into BB5's Scott a few weeks ago, and he revealed that Drew and his brother Ben live just blocks away from the TVgasm offices. Perhaps a joint TVgasm/reality star viewing of Big Brother is in order? We'll keep you updated...

Finally, the last couple of this segment were the super twins themselves, Adria and Natalie. Lifting weights at the gym, the gals said that life after the show has been grand. They revamped their website (pop the champagne! It's the high life now!!!) and "we took off with our book!" Well, it wasn't so much a book as it was a ten-page pamphlet.

"Hey Lorlene! I gots you a twin-ological book for your exercise and such." By the way, what happens if I don't have a twin to work out with? Should I find a "Single-Birth-ological" book instead?

Anyway, the twins offered up some generic advice to the teams still in the house (oddly enough, they didn't even mention bible-thumping), and then we later returned to Jase who complained, "When I was in the house, who did I have? NO ONE!" Well, except for the Four Horsemen. And Holly. And Marvin. But yeah, basically no one. It's good to see that Jase still marinates in bitterness -- much like Diane who, despite insisting that she's over Drew evicting her in favor of Cowboy, still seemed mighty p.o.'ed about her third place finish last season. I'll tell you what I'm bitter about. Diane said she would write some guest commentary for us last year. (Cut to me tapping my fingers on the desk, whistling, checking my watch).

As the updates wrapped up, Adria (or Natalie, who knows really?) gave one piece of sage advice to the remaining houseguests (not that they could hear them): "Don't get discovered!" So, um, Maggie and Eric, maybe you should stop both wearing LAS VEGAS RESCUE-WEAR!

Anyway, the moment of truth finally arrived. Time for the live eviction. Janelle and Michael said their bland goodbye speeches, and as they droned on, I couldn't help but notice poor Sarah stuck on side-table duty. Somebody get her a chair! She's preggers! I also noticed Howie's arm draped around Beau. Summer of Secrets. Summer of Secrets...

Well, it should come as no surprise that Michael was kicked out of the house. As he hugged everyone goodbye, Howie said, "Tell Julie I say hi." I have a better idea. Why don't you guys all vote Howie out so he can tell her himself? Anyway, Michael emerged from the household (somehow injuring his hand in the process), and as he stepped out the front door, we were lucky to have a dramatic shot of the Chenbot eagerly awaiting his arrival. It was like the robot version of Cold Mountain.

Summer of Secrets continues: check out the Chenbot's power pack and tan lines!

In the wake of Michael's departure, the houseguests milled about in relief, and Howie even took the chance to give Janelle a little massage. Honestly, she seemed about two beats away from yelling, "Get off. Get off. GET OFF. GET OFF!!!!!" Actually, instead of flipping out, she merely pulled away from Howie's meteorological paws and declared, "I gotta pee so bad!" Something tells me she's gonna have to be "peeing" a lot the next few days (unless Howie releases his sexual frustration on Beau again).

Posted by B-side on July 22, 2005 2:49 AM