After Maggie and Ivette babbled a bit more about Eric and how wonderful he was, we finally had that most hallowed of weekly ceremonies: the unveiling of the new HOH room. Oooooh. The group gathered 'round Maggie as she unlocked the door, and with the usual punk rock playing on the soundtrack (Head of Household room!!! ROCK ON!!!!!), Jennifer began screaming before she had even entered the room. Apparently she thought Jon Bon Jovi would be inside waiting for her. Anyway, like a bunch of toddlers crying at nothing at all, the girls followed Jennifer's lead and began screaming their guts out. OMG! The HOH ROOM! It looks... EXACTLY THE SAME!!!! But now there are new COOKIES!!! And Oh. My. God. Maggie got a new pillow!!!!! The squishy kind too! Best afternoon evah!

James pretty much echoed my sentiments: "The Head of Household bedroom was wonderful. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. No, it was pathetic. I'm watching all these putrid little rats go around and try to kiss Maggie's ass some more. Let her listen to, you know, her music and smoke banana peels and do whatever the hell she does in there. Just...stuff makes me sick." And because we can never get enough bitterness, Janelle followed up with her own contempt: "Her stuff doesn't really interest me. She collects turtles, and I saw a turtle. Oooh, that's exciting." Wow, I really didn't think Maggie could be any more plain, but collecting turtles? She might as well profess to love rice cakes and vanilla wafers.

Anyway, once she was properly installed in her new lair, Maggie began her pseudo-Kaysar attempts to strategize. First she called in Rachel and told her that she believed she was a good person (perhaps Rachel had saved a turtle once?). Then Maggie brought in Howie and grilled him, asking him whether or not it was his idea to initially put her and James on the chopping block last week. Howie hemmed and hawed his way through some stammering responses, and eventually he and Rachel agreed not to put Maggie up if one of them were to be Head of Household next week. Odds of Howie and Rachel throwing the HOH competition? 3-2.

Downstairs, James feebly attempted to get back in with Ivette and Beau, but their three collective brain cells were enough to make them resist. Apparently, they simply could not understand the logic that James had to turn on the group or else they would have all voted him out. So basically, Ivette and Beau were mad at James that he had the nerve to save himself. At this point, Maggie joined the conversation and asked, "I just wonder if you know that you're pulling away from a group that would have stayed true to you as long as they could." It should be noted, however, that "as long as they could" meant "until last week."

Seeing that direct logic had no effect on his mentally challenged adversaries, James then tried a more sentimental tactic by apologizing to Maggie in her HOH room. It was a fairly pathetic and transparent display, and since Maggie (the brightest of her alliance) saw right through it, the entire attempt pretty much failed entirely. Switching gears yet again, James then sold Sarah up the river, saying that if she was put up on the block, he wouldn't use the veto to save her. Yes, I'm sure Maggie really appreciates that sort of loyalty. When that didn't work, the two simply wound up talking about secrets and whatnot, with James saying that he couldn't read Maggie very well. She gave some ambiguous and blatantly misleading responses, and somehow, James became convinced that Maggie was actually a cop. After all, she had the HOH room set up like an interrogation room, he claimed. Well, I'm pretty sure it's the only interrogation room in the country featuring turtle figurines and a squishy pillow. Anyway, the meeting came to an end with James triumphantly telling us, "Maggie is a cop!" Great. And that will impact the game how?

By the way, James also mentioned several times that he and Maggie were both cops. Uh, I believe your title is "Loss Prevention Manager" -- a.k.a. security guard. Let's not get too carried away, Sonny Crocket.

And now it's time for a little comedy, courtesy of house buffoon, Howie. Apparently, our resident weatherman-to-be loves him some boobies. How do I know? Because he apparently parades through the house saying, "I love boobies." If he's lucky enough, he might have some of his own. Seriously, How-dog has been packin' on the PB&J pounds lately. Must be stealing all of April's weight -- she has dropped from 108 lbs to 102, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. (Hey, the Crypt Keeper has to maintain a healthy, skeletal physique). Anyway, during this oh-so-wacky montage, we saw Howie saying all sorts of boobie things, like "It's a waste of your big boobies to not have somebody take care of them for you." But seriously, Michael was the real sexual aggressor. Thanks Eric.

After this comic bit was over, we then saw Kaysar and his group scheming in the corner. They have yet to give themselves some stupid nickname, so for the time being, I guess I'll call them the Super Six or maybe Team Bitter. Or maybe I just won't call them anything at all. Nevertheless, King Kaysar seethed, "I have pride in this group!" He LOVES his alliance! Alas, it seems as though the Sextet of Splendor (No? Too wordy?) will be tumbling down this week. Kaysar noted that Maggie was going to use his own strategy against him. Now he must outsmart himself. Would somebody tell Jerry Bruckheimer to stop feeding Kaysar lines?

Posted by B-side on July 31, 2005 5:52 PM