When we came back from commercial, we learned that Ivette is an allegedly creative person. This was personified by her creating a hummingbird feeder out of some spare items around the house. She later noted, "I LOVE THE HUMMINGBIRD! He has my heart and soul. I'm playing for the hummingbird now!!"

We then saw all the creative things Ivette has come up with: rug checkers, the coaster game, the "ghetto slide," "ghetto french toast," "ghetto bread pudding," and even "ghetto ice cream" which looked to be the unsavory union of ice shavings, cinnamon, and peanut butter. "That tastes like the ice cream my grandmother used to make," said April, whose grandmother apparently made TERRIBLE ice cream. April then noted, "Back in my day, we didn't have 'freezers' or 'ice boxes.' We had snow, and if it didn't last until summer, then you didn't get ice cream. We'd have to eat dirt off a twig instead AND WE LIKED IT!"

Apparently Ivette hasn't concocted any "ghetto Slim-Fast."

Well, all this talk about ice cream appropriately segued into the evening's challenge, "Matching Munchies '05." Basically, it was a Match Game rip-off, and in honor of the classic Gene Reyburn show, four of the panelists were outfitted in campy 1970s wigs and costumes. "April was horrible!" declared Jennifer. We then saw a shot of April, who looked exactly the same as usual.

April's "horrible" costume. Also known as "What she looks like every day."

But anyway, the rules of the game were fairly simple. Hostess Maggie would read a sentence out loud, and then one person would have to fill in the blank with what they thought was the appropriate word. A panel of four (Sarah, Kaysar, April, and Howie) would then write down their answers, and if more than two people matched the contestant, the household would win groceries for a day. No word on whether or not the panelists were allowed to confer, but J-Unit became quite heated as he surmised that the panelists were not only discussing their answers, but strategically deciding who would write what. You can read his scathing analysis here. But if you're like me and don't really care that much about GroceryGate 2005 (it was, after all, just a food competition), we can move on.

Anyway, the first few people successfully procured food for the house without incident. But then it was time for Janelle. Hostess Maggie innocently asked, "You know you're flying first class when the stewardess offers you a chocolate covered ______."

"Well, since I often fly first class, I'm gonna say...strawberry!" replied Janelle with a sly smile on her face. This immediately brought the wrath of Beau who flamed out in an interview and scoffed, "I'm like whatever!" Hey Beau, it's called "tongue in cheek." LOOK INTO IT. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised that the idiots of the house would blatantly misinterpret Janelle's humor. They are, after all, idiots.

Soon it was Ivette's turn. "Donna said, 'My husband the pastry chef is getting a bit nearsighted. Last night, he went outside and tried to ____ the dog," said Maggie. Faced with this perplexing dilemma, Ivette simply clenched her eyes and yelled, "Where's CAPPY???" Apparently, Eric is the expert when it comes to _______ing the dog, whatever ______ing may be (my vote: humping).

Unsurprisingly, the houseguests won food for the entire week, even with dim-bulbs like Ivette playing the game (again, see J-Unit's GroceryGate conspiracy). As a bonus, the roommates were also given the last two numbers for the safe in the gold room. Oooh. Ahhh. What would be inside? Bars of gold? Diamonds? A GUN?? Well, not exactly. After several attempts by everyone in the house, Kaysar finally unlocked the safe and pulled out...a plate of PB&J sandwiches. Oh. Swell. Big Brother sure knows how to knock those twists out of the park!

Ah, but perhaps I spoke too soon. Turns out inside one of those PB&J sandwiches was the "PB&J Pass" which would exempt one person from PB&J for the rest of the season. Even better, that person could choose to lend their PB&J Pass to someone for a week. Ooh, could be quite the bargaining chip, especially when it comes to April, who at press time is a frail 79 lbs. Well, everyone took a sandwich, sat around the table, and before we even knew what was going on, Janelle shrieked in victory. Amazingly, we did not cut to Beau in the Diary Room complaining, "Ugh! She was like 'Yay, I won!' Bitch."

Actually, Beau had more pressing things on his mind -- like the amorous intentions of Howie. That's right. The man who loves boobies apparently loves fake kissing Beau too. We watched about two minutes worth of Howie slowly cornering Beau and getting ever closer to the personal shopper's lips. The scene was surprisingly funny, but (bi) curiously enough, we never saw the two lock lips (various screencaps of the live feeds show the two swapping spit). Nevertheless, Howie claimed he was comfortable with his sexuality and as a result attracted people of all different "ethniticities." None of whom, unfortunately, come bearing dictionaries.

When "ethniticities" unite...

As nominations neared, Sarah attempted some nice-girl scheming, which of course completely failed. She cozied up to the HOH and her clan and spilled the beans about everyone, but as Maggie wisely noted later, all of Sarah's babbling put James in a good light. Ah ha! CAUGHT! No clay turtles for you at Christmas, SARAH!

Anyway, CBS tried some quick misdirection by suggesting that Maggie might put up Sarah and James, but we all knew it was Kaysar's time to return to the hot seat. At the nomination ceremony, it was business as usual. April pulled out her key first, followed by Ivette, Jennifer, Beau, Rachel, Howie, Sarah, and then Janelle. Not that Maggie's revealing her gameplan or anything...

Posted by B-side on July 31, 2005 5:52 PM