Back up in the Royal Palace of The Friendship, Maggie told her buds, "I'm not here to tell anyone how to vote." She then added, "But I'm gonna tell you how to vote." Okay, she didn't say that. But were we supposed to believe that she didn't want to tell everyone how to vote? Just another example of the touchy-feely, faux-lovefest that is this alliance. Man, I just hate The Friendship. But as J-Unit has mentioned before in his posts, one of the most beautiful elements of this season has been the total disconnect between The Friendship and the viewing audience. Here is a group that's so certain they've taken the high road, so certain they're doing the right thing, and probably so certain that they're beloved, that it's pure bliss to see the collective hatred fans have for them. Most academics write Big Brother off as trash, and well, technically they're right, but isn't there something worth examining in this situation? I mean, why do we hate The Friendship so much? Is it that they all seem like sheep, incapable of strategizing and thinking beyond their emotions? Are we disgusted by their idolization of Eric, a righteous man who claimed to be fighting for good, but actually engaged in vicious character assassination, condescending didacticism, flagrant backstabbing, and bullish fisticuffs? Or are we just turned off by the reigning dullness of the group? I like to think it's a bit of everything of the above, but I'm still not sure what this all says about us, the audience. Nevertheless, I relish the days after this season wraps as the contestants return to the outside world and slowly discover that everyone -- from TVgasm readers to Entertainment Weekly writers to CBS.com poll-takers -- all hates them.

Anyway, we returned to Julie Chen who now alerted us that it was time to check in on the houseguests. This clearly was not as exciting for them as it was for us because we instantly caught Jennifer yawning in the foreground. Apparently she had just visualized what it would look like to watch herself for four weeks. Well, Julie asked her what she would do with a million dollars, and Jennifer replied that she would use it to work with charity (Go Friendship Power!). You know what that means: looks like you've got a new helper around the nursing home April!

Speaking of April, Julie noted, "You recently celebrated a birthday in the house." That's right! 82 years young! Perhaps in an attempt to force April's face into the strange contortions we saw on Tuesday, Julie continued to prod, asking the octogenarian about her letter from home. "Just to hear from him... just to hear that him and Pepperoni do support me," said April, on the verge of tears and/or a crazy Crypt Keeper face. You know, I think it's beautiful that April's dog Pepperoni supports her. Other things Pepperoni supports: licking his balls.

The Chenbot then moved onto Sarah, whose hand was romantically intertwined with James'. Julie asked how relieved she was to have saved her boyfriend. "At this point, it doesn't matter about making it to the end. I just want to spend a couple more weeks with him," said Sarah. Wow. She's so closet Friendship.

Just when we thought the Chenterrogation was over (ooh, I like that one! Patting myself on the back), Ivette found herself center stage, forced to choose her most inspired creation. After a few seconds of deliberation where we could clearly hear the hamster wheel squeaking, Ivette declared the ghetto slide to be her fave. I thought Julie would simply laugh it off with an awkward little comment like "Well, that is creative," but instead the Chenbot pressed on in full stammering glory: "You want to just briefly tell us what that is again? You just cut up some plastic hefty bags, was it? Sprayed it down?" TELL THE CHENBOT ALL! She must learn the ways of the ghetto slide! We then cut to Julie Chen zipping down her very own ghetto slide. Seriously. Visualize it. Probably the funniest image that we'll never see.

Later, after a commercial break, it was time to watch The Passion of the Eric. Julie asked us, "How is Eric's partner and current HOH Maggie keeping his memory alive?" Okay, this is ridiculous. He wasn't slain in a genocide. These women act as if some sort of divine being has left their midst. Of course, the first one to sound off about Eric was his loyal servant, Ivette: "When Cappy left this house, my heart left with him. This house is so empty without Cappy. And so Ivette is completely lost in this game without Cappy." Also hurting Ivette's game: SHE'S AN IDIOT! I will qualify that in some way, it's admirable that she can be so loyal to someone she deems a friend, and that she can open her heart to someone so earnestly is sweet, I guess. But, yeah, total moron.

Posted by B-side on August 5, 2005 4:54 AM