Sharing our sentiments was Janelle, as usual, who wrote off the Cappy followers as "So stupid." Howie, for the first time, actually clocked in with a funny statement too: "That's all we need is one of these looney tunes going on and winning it for Cappy. Who in the hell wants to see that?" EXACTLY! Ah, but dumb people always seem to find the spotlight, and sure enough, Ivette was back for more deifying of Eric. "Cappy is still here in spirit. And our keys that are up here in the memory board, mine is still in Cappy's and everybody else's is piled on top." So Ivette put her key in Eric's slot? And everyone else piled theirs on top of his picture? WHY???? WHY WHY WHY??? What is wrong with these idiots? Why was Eric so near and dear to them? All he ever did was enforce a strict 11:30 PM curfew and troll around (I mean that in all senses of the phrase) looking for things to 'roid rage at.

James thankfully mocked Ivette, who you may remember called out "Where's Cappy?" during this week's Match Game food competition. "Oh. Okay. Just pick a word, dumbass," sneered James in an interview. It should be noted that this caused peels of laughter to ripple through the TVgasm offices.

Even better: CBS was kind enough to watch the non-Friendship folk gather 'round and full on ridicule Eric and his lowly stature. James and later Janelle marched around on their knees in an effort to emulate the stumpy fireman's turtle-esque nature. As for Maggie? James simply wrote her off as "Little Eric." We then cut to Maggie power walking around the yard to condescending oompa music. Ah, if only she had been in lederhosen. Or better yet: Las Vegas Fire Department Lederhosen. Because you know Eric's got those.

Oh Beau. I'm ready...

Anyway, as this Eric bit all came to a close, we saw The Friendship all bundled together in the Head of Household room, ready to go to sleep. Apparently they couldn't be apart from each other for one second, not even when they slept. And just when you thought they couldn't be any more intolerable, they all called out to their fallen leader just before beddy-bye. "Goodnight Cappy!" they all said. Unsurprisingly, this was considerably less charming than "Goodnight Moon," a book which Ivette still struggles to comprehend.

Ivette's favorite book.

We then returned to Julie Chen who carried on a rather forgettable interview with Maggie in the HOH room. Nothing new here. Just more gushing about Cappy. The only thing that made this small segment interesting was the camera cutting to Kaysar, who for some reason had his leg splayed up on the chair, thus making his crotch the disarming centerpiece of the screen. Luckily, the producers cut back to Maggie who said she was prepared in case any of the house guests came after her. I mean, she doesn't have a strategy per se, but the almighty power of Friendship will certainly defend her from the big meanies of the house! Maggie then sucked on a juice box told Julie what she wanted for Christmas.

Kaysar's version of Basic Instinct.

After the interview was over, The Chenbot "But First!"-ed us into watching the house guests deliberate on who they'd vote for. Unfortunately, we didn't hear anyone's votes, which meant tonight's results would pretty much be a blowout. When we returned, Julie Chen happily announced that we would be taking a closer look at James and Sarah. Meanwhile, the cameraman must have inhaled a bit too much of the Chenbot's exhaust because the camera began ever so slowly to creep away from Julie. Before she could totally seep off screen, we luckily cut to our next segment and watched as Sarah idealistically rattled off her life schedule. "I'm twenty three years old. I'll be married right before I'm twenty five. I'll have kids by twenty seven," Sarah surmised. And by twenty nine she'll be disillusioned, thirty one in Playboy, and thirty five on Kill Reality 12.

Luckily, this piece was one of those cool Meet-The-Fam bits, and we soon got to see Sarah's folks. They were two affable looking people whose small-town pride glowed through their matching Pro-Sarah pins. We also met James's family and their GIGANTIC hanging crucifix. Needless to say, Mel Gibson would have had a boner. Also eye-catching was the massive array of Virgin Mary items populating the house. I mean, this stuff was everywhere. I'm surprised James' mom didn't talk to us through a Virgin Mary sock puppet. But at the end of the day, both families seemed nice, and I feel badly mocking them, even if they all seemed a little goofy looking.

Is that a load bearing Jesus?

When we returned to Julie, she had some wonderful news: next week an evicted player will be brought back into the house. And better yet, we the audience will get to choose who! AMERICA'S CHOICE!! Fantastic! Sure, we had been predicting this, but actually hearing the words flow from the Chenbot's mouth caused nothing less than a joyful, spastic flailing of my arms. Suddenly, tonight's upcoming Chenviction seemed a little easier to swallow knowing that I might be able to reinsert Kaysar or Janelle into the house in just one week. And considering that the two nominees also happen to be the two most popular contestants according to CBS's very own polls, I'd be optimistic that they'd win the America's Choice over Cappy. But then again, CBS might reward the fireman regardless, just to up the drama in the household.

Posted by B-side on August 5, 2005 4:54 AM