But I digress. Let's talk about what's really important: Big Brother (no disrespect, Lou Diamond). I'll admit, I've been a bit slow getting this recap up. You see, last night I wound up getting a little bit drunk, and while I did somehow manage to watch the show before passing out, I was clearly in no state to write comedy. Ditto this morning when I woke up (hence, I watched La Bamba). Now, many hours later I've finally summoned the strength to sit down and tackle this interesting, if not totally compelling episode.

So let me say this. Kaysar. Kaysar Kaysar Kaysar. Millions of people just spent a whole week devoting their lives (or at least 30 seconds) to returning you to the household. And what do you do? You screw everything up! What happened to the cunning, calculating, and ruthless player we loved so much? How could you make that deal?? HOW???

Okay, I need to simmer down. Might as well start from the beginning. The episode kicked off right where we left the house guests: standing in a makeshift greenhouse with their fingers on a button. Of course, since this is a Summer of Secrets, the producers were kind enough to stock this "pressure cooker" with several mystery boxes, inside of which were prizes and horrors. As Julie Chen said in her classic wooden style, "Some surprises are good. Some are not so good." We then watched as Julie once again opened up a box, causing several flies to escape into the room. "Hope this doesn't bug you," said Julie, all but winking at the camera and giving a thumbs up.

With the flies buzzing around their faces, the house guests soon complained that their insect companions were surprisingly aggressive. I don't really know how much more aggressive a housefly can be. And let's not forget, they'd been trapped in a box for who knows how many hours. It's like they were in their own special, all-fly version of Big Brother. Oddly enough, one of the flies was named "Cappy" also.

As the roommates stood around, they soon began guessing what was in the boxes. "Ashlea could be in one of the boxes," surmised James. Anyone else just get nightmares of Ashlea's severed head lying in one of those boxes? Then again, maybe CBS figured out a way to shrink her down. That would explain not only the whole leaving-sequester issue, but also all that "CBS wants to shrink me" stuff she was always talking about.

Random side note for all my 24 peeps. Is it just me or is Kaysar totally getting a Behrooz fro? I definitely dig it, if only because it reminds me of our favorite puffy-haired teen. Memo to CBS: please incorporate Shohreh Aghdashloo into this show somehow. I beg of you.

Anyway, while everyone babbled in their cage, we zoomed back in time to Sarah's recent eviction. Ah, so this is how this episode's gonna work. Flashbacks. So very postmodern. I love when Big Brother gets artistic. They should really make it into an auteur showcase. Maybe get Quentin Tarantino to direct an episode. Seriously, nothing would inspire me more than Julie Chen bantering with Samuel L. Jackson about an obscure pop culture reference.

As we watched Sarah tearfully head out of the house, everyone chimed in from the Diary Room about how they all liked her. "We all loved Sarah. She was a really nice girl," said Rachel, adding, "Now who was Sarah again?"

Later, we watched James solemnly close the door behind his beloved girlfriend, and in one of the more patronizing gestures of the season, Howie gave the guy a big hug. It was kind of his way of saying, "I'm sorry I orchestrated a plan to get you and your girlfriend out of this house. But as you can tell, I'm still just a great guy!" I full on expected James to give Howie a swift knee to the groin, but without Sarah, he had become surprisingly subdued, preoccupied with sadness and grief. The only thing more devastating would be if he'd learned that he could not, in fact, import the giant Jesus above Rio De Janeiro into his living room, home of the 50 foot crucifix.

As everyone awaited the Head of Household competition, James and Ivette had a quick little powwow on a cot where they talked about touchy-feely things like how they're still friends and how the game will have nothing to do with their friendship and blah blah blah. I spent a good portion of this little scene instead fixating on the Payless store's worth of shoes under the cot. Who brought all those? Why would anyone need to bring so many shoes to the Big Brother house? Oh, wait. I just figured it out. The next Summer of Secrets twist: Imelda Marcos has been living behind the fish tank. Clearly.

Posted by B-side on August 15, 2005 4:31 AM