The show began with Julie Chen waiting for us by the Big Brother faux-garden. And such a summertime pleasure she is. Tonight, Julie came to us wrapped up in what J-Unit affectionately called the "Aztec scoop trapezoid cut-out top." Now, I didn't really understand the Aztec reference, but I liked the sound of it so I'm saying it (J-Unit said it was like one of those Aztec pyramids had been turned upside down and, well, never mind). Basically, it was some bizarre hybrid of a black leotard top and a sweater. I think. As you can see, it kind of baffled my sartorial vocabulary. Truthfully, there are two things that constantly and eternally blow my mind: the universe and Julie Chen's wardrobe.

As for the pants, well, the Camel Toe Alert was raised from orange to red as we thought we'd surely see the beast. It wasn't a question of if, but when. Alas, Julie's white pants seemed to wash out all details in their radiance, thus leaving us empty handed and, well, a bit sad.

Julie teases us with a glimpse of camel toe. Such a cruel robot.

Anyway, with a spring in her step like she'd just returned from the best Robo-Jazzercise ever, the Chenbot pranced over to her couch to introduce us to this week's nominees. We then caught our first glimpse of Kaysar, who was looking quite dapper and freshly showered -- a means to battle his burgeoning KaysarFro, no doubt. Usually Julie greets the houseguests at this time, but there was a lot on her plate this night. After all, we learned that this would be a double-eviction week. For the first time ever, the HOH would be nominating two house guests for elimination by the end of the hour. Wow. I could already imagine the inevitable Chen malfunctions (we gotta come up with a good word for that. Chenfunctions? Malfunchens? Chenbotches? Hmm. I like that last one).

However, not only did the Chenbot have a lot on her plate this week, so did the viewers as we finally got to see the much talked-about meltdown everyone's been buzzing about. We started directly after the Veto Ceremony as Kaysar walked away in disgust. "The way that she decides to play the game is very filthy," said Kaysar, adding, "She's filthy. And naughty. A naughty, naughty girl!" Kaysar then put his fingers over his mouth and laughed coyly. Okay, no need to turn him into an 18th century fop, but I will say that he's got to relax a smidge. I love you Kaysar (not like that), but seriously, don't be one of those righteous jerks. Everyone always gets their panties in a bunch when someone lies in this game, but honestly, it happens all the time. Did Kaysar not remember his little fib to Maggie just before the chess board veto? Not to take a pro-Friendship stance (and yes, don't worry, I still HATE them), but I'm sure Maggie felt just as stung as Kaysar did. Okay, maybe not as much. Kaysar did endure fourteen hours of button-pushing fun for his betrayal, buuuuut he also didn't have to let go of the button. Sigh. I won't rehash. It's too painful.

Meanwhile, looking like the cat that ate the bird (is that an expression? I think it is. If it isn't, it should be), James laughed happily in the Diary Room, amazed once again that he'd escaped the chopping block. He's a clever man, that James. Ever since Howie turned on him, he's suddenly become "moral" and "in touch with his feelings" -- ie. playing Ivette and her clan. And now, look where it's gotten him: laughing in the diary room... like the cat that ate the CANARY! That's it!!

By the way, I'd be much more impressed if the cat ate a larger bird. Just saying.

Up in the Head of Household room, The Friendship reconvened to gab and pat themselves on the back and in the case of Beau, make the stupid slumber party beds they'd set up. Little did they know this would be the last moment of peace and quiet in the house for the next few - well, who knows? The chaos is still brewing.

Downstairs, Kaysar confronted Jennifer with a little Cappy-style guilt: "Hey Jenny. Are you proud of yourself? Seriously, how does it feel?" She replied with some empty phrases and nonsensical babbling, eventually causing Kaysar to smile and say, "If you think I'm mad, I'm not mad. I'm amused." Come on Kaysar. You're mad. You have to admit it. Maybe just a teensy weensy. You're a little mad. It's okay.

Posted by B-side on August 19, 2005 4:23 AM