Later, Howie, Kaysar, Maggie, Janelle, and April sat around the picnic table outside, still talking about the nominations. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. I take that back. You would need a machete. Maybe even the jaws of life. April tried to explain Jenny's actions, saying that the cheerleader shouldn't be taking the blame because the whole group pressured her to change her mind. No one was buying it though (pretty much because earlier that day, everyone had been saying how they had no idea what Jenny was going to do). It was clear that April was spewing up another fine torrent of bullshit, and so Howie's man-claws (similar to his borderline man-tits) came out. "Nice Howie is done!" he declared. Uh, how about "Funny Howie"? Can he go also?

A lot of times, hurt reality show contestants like to puff up their ego by believing that they'll now be some uber-contestant, one the likes of which we've never seen before EVER! (thunderclap, lightning, wind) You know what I'm talking about. How many times have we seen doomed players proclaim, "They're gonna wish they'd never come at me because they do not want to see the dark side of me!" or "I'm not being nice anymore. I'm going to be pure evil!" And then of course forty five minutes later they're voted off and playing on Battle of the Network Reality Stars.

In the case of Howie, however, he really meant it when he said "Nice Howie is done" because Asshole Dickface Howie suddenly showed up, and that's when the party really got started. He immediately threatened April, saying that she's gonna be gone next week, and when she said he was being mean, Howie simply replied, "You're stuck with me here or the sequester house. Deal with it." Ouch!

Seconds later Howie added: "You made a bad f*ckin' decision, honey." Looks like somebody's been taking lessons from Beau. Howie then did three air snaps in the shape of a Z, twirled swiveled his head, and sneered, "Talk to the hand, sister."

"No more cigarettes. No doggie," Howie taunted as Kaysar and Maggie tried to shut him up. But he was inconsolable. "It's hurricane season!" he yelled. He then added, "Seriously. It's hurricane season. I'm a meteorology student. Just felt like sharing. But anyway, where was I? Oh that's right. April, you're ugly."

Hurricane Howie strikes again! Take THAT, food!

Meanwhile, in the zing department, Janelle came up with quite the doozy. "He is looking like an idiot here," said April, causing Janelle to reply, "At least he doesn't look like a liar." ZZZZZZING!!! Round 1 to Janelle!

Later, Howie called April's husband fat and her dog stupid, I believe. This of course sent her crying into the Diary Room where she bawled, "Howie decided to not only personally attack me, but personally attack my husband and my dog." He personally attacked your dog??? Has Howie no decency?? Poor Pepperoni!! Or as April pronounces it, "Pepperowwwwni."

Well, April snuck into the bathroom and prayed to the porcelain gods. Seriously. She used the toilet as a pew (I'm sure Jesus appreciated that) and begged for the strength to make it through the week. Man, the last time she'd prayed this hard was when her son went off to the war. In Korea.

With all this craziness, we nearly forgot that this was actually a Chenbot episode, and so we came back to her standing in the studio with one knee bent ever so slightly, almost as if she was ready to spring forth at any moment and attack the camera. We then went to commercial, and when we returned, we once again descended into the madness of the Big Brother compound as Janelle now took her turn in the crazy bitch department. "Rachel, you're so beautiful!" exclaimed Janelle as she walked through the house. "Thanks Janelle, so are you!" replied Rachelle. Janelle then set her eyes on Maggie and sneered, "Maggie, you're such a bitch." Oh man. Janey is unhinged, folks. And it is awesome.

Later, as Janelle slurped down some wine, April walked by and accused her of being drunk, to which the VIP Waitress responded, "You gold-digging BITCH!" And for the record, April is a gold digger. Seriously. Lest we forget her tales from the great Klondike Gold Rush of 1896.

Next up in Janelle's crosshairs was Beau, the ineffectual and prissy she-boy whose biggest contribution to this season has been his allegedly huge penis. This was a very interesting little segment because I couldn't tell if Janelle and Beau were joking or fighting. They were both drunk, and while Janelle jokingly (or maybe not) accused Beau of sleeping with older men, he retorted that she had polyester hair. The two screamed at each other lightheartedly and then even got into each other's faces while laughing and screamed some some more. But then somewhere along the line, even though what they were saying hadn't really changed, Beau suddenly got pissed and started yelling for real. Or maybe not. They were laughing. No, they were fighting. Wait... what?

Eventually, other people came out and separated the two, and the final consensus seemed to be that Janelle was toying with Beau, and Beau was just being dumb. "You polyester hair bitch!" he yelled as The Friendship escorted him up to the slumber party. Janelle, meanwhile, rolled her eyes in the Diary Room, saying, "It's so easy to screw with Beau because he's such a little bitch."

Note to CBS: please devote exactly one hour a week to the sequester house this season. I guarantee it will bring you very high ratings.

Posted by B-side on August 19, 2005 4:23 AM