Anyway, with Janelle brewing up a maelstrom of activity downstairs, April came huffing into the HOH room, declaring that she wanted to keep Kaysar around now. Just when all her buddies seemed about to jump on the bandwagon, Ivette piped up as the voice of reason and told everyone to stick with the original plan. Man, I really don't like this new "logical" Ivette. Whatever happened to her idiotic flights of Cappy whimsy? Actually, whatever happened to her Cappy fixation at all? With the house fully at war, doesn't she need Cappy now more than ever? And in the spirit of Cappy bashing, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the current ugly state of affairs in the house can be directly traced back to a deep divide initially caused by Eric. Who would have thought the house would get so dirty in the wake of such a "clean" player...

The next morning, I kind of thought emotions would have calmed down, but no. Things seemed worse than ever. Howie had now graduated to mocking April's physical appearance, going so far as to call her "Busto" -- because she had a "busted" face (come on Howie. That's cruel. Anyhoo, I'm gonna go laugh at our April/Crypt Keeper comparisons some more...). April shot back by saying he'd need all the fingers, and while I was momentarily doing a "what the?", we then zoomed in on Howie's hand and discovered that he only had four fingers. Huh? How did that happen? Meteorology accident? A five-day forecast gone wrong? Well, Howie was intensely offended by April attacking his poor little stump of a finger, and accused her of taking a low blow. Yeah, busto ugly face with the fat husband and stupid dog! Way to take a low blow!

To Howie's credit, he did ask quite the relevant question: "How do you feel that America hates you, April?" Honestly, I did want to know the answer. I'm not sure if we Americans hate April the same way we hate Eric and now Jennifer, but I'm pretty sure there's a strong level of disgust. But I will say one thing. I do hate her stupid dog Pepperoni.

Speaking of the pup, Howie decided to move on from calling April a "big-bosomed busted blonde" and instead focused his attacks on her canine companion. "Hey we making pizza tonight, guys? Wanna make some of that homemade pizza that we made, James?" asked Howie. "We don't got eggs," answered James. "We don't got any pepperoni either!" shot back Howie with zing-tastic glee. It didn't really make any sense, but I enjoyed Howie's spirit of "if I say 'pepperoni' with the right amount of emphasis, it will be an insult." I was hoping for other put-downs like "So I was at the store and searching for sausage but all I could find was PEPPERONI!" or "I don't like high cholesterol things, like PEPPERONI!"

Instead, Howie went a different route, saying that he wanted to put April's dog on a pizza. That's kinda nasty, especially since April is the sort of woman who probably lets her dog lick her toes. Don't want that on my pizza. Still, the nonsensical threats worked their magic, and soon April was up in the HOH room bawling again. Just when we thought The Friendship might be breaking, Ivette suddenly stood up and made an eloquent speech about sticking together and keeping mentally strong. WTF? Did I not just say that I hate this new "voice of reason" from Ivette? Must she mock my every word?

Pepperoni pizza: forever ruined for April.

Back in the live studio, Julie rose from her couch like a camel-toed Jack-In-The-Box as she delivered her second "But first!" of the evening and introduced various voting testimonies from the diary room. Nothing too interesting was said, but I did notice that James picked up the annoying "Wear a symbolic accessory" trend as he kept Sarah's lavender sash tied around his neck. I suppose it was a sweet gesture, but it looked more like he'd had an unfortunate run-in with Carson Kressley.

Later, after the commercial break, Julie Chen talked with Jen up in the HOH room and asked her why the hell she had nominated Kaysar. Jen conveniently played the innocent card, saying it was the group's decision, not hers. Suuure. If the group decided you should never do a cartwheel again, would you obey also? NO! Because you can't stop doing them, can you BITCH? So stop blaming the flipping group!

Sorry, random outburst.

After the Chenterrogation, we saw more Diary Room discussion and blah blah BLAH, no commercial break, just back to Chen Central. She greeted the house guests and immediately cut to the chase, asking Kaysar and Janelle to say a few words to their roommates. The ever so dashing Kaysar rose to his feet, and interestingly enough, did not address his living room, but our living room instead. Yes, he was talking to America -- to us -- and in a gracious yet passive aggressive way, managed to thank the viewers and slam Jennifer all at once. It was brilliant; although, I don't really know why. Maybe it's because on some level, Kaysar knows that getting in tight with the viewing public could lead to bigger and better things for him outside the house. Or maybe it's because Kaysar knows that April and Jennifer and Beau will be mortified if they realize America does not, in fact, love them.

Janelle addressed the house next, and while I was expecting fireworks from her, she remained civilized (I'm sure the producers warned her) and gave an angry but well-stated speech, declaring that she'd never lied in the game. Finally, it was time for the results, and by a unanimous vote, Kaysar was evicted AGAIN. Hey producers, how about another round of the ole America's Choice? You know, just for shits and giggles. PLEASE.

Posted by B-side on August 19, 2005 4:23 AM