Don't Piss on My Leg and Tell Me April Won HOH - 
by J-Unit
This has been a very trying season of Big Brother. I really love this show, and quite clearly I love to talk about it, but I have never had so much of an emotional investment in a reality show since - well, I guess since Naima won ANTM a few months ago, but I think you get the idea. The last month has been great, with HOH and nominations swinging back and forth every week. Unfortunately, there has always been that creepy feeling in the back of my head. What would happen if my side didn't win? We got to bring Kaysar back after his eviction, but since Howie was in charge, things have never been the same. My giddiness at the greatness of this season has been tempered by the slow realization that the numbers are skewed in favor of a Friendship win, a scenario I would guess about 82% of America would find a complete disaster.
You know what? When times get tough, it is always great when you can count on somebody. This person has to be comforting, this person has to warm, this person has to be funny, this person has to make you feel like you are the luckiest television viewer in the world. Folks, that person is Julie Chen. I think Julie's internet stardom has pretty much killed off the camel toe, but the absence of such a sight is not enough to make me change the Chennel, errr, channel. If you stick with Julie she always will come through, and tonight was one of those nights.
As we panned in to Julie welcoming us to Big Brother, our immediate reaction was that Julie had just returned to the set after she and Les won the hand jive competition at the sock hop. I have no idea where in the hell Julie found that dress, but I know that there is one more wardrobe coordinator out of a job. I guess it was supposed to be an evening dress, but does a black taffeta poodle skirt seem elegant to you? And how about those straps on the halter? Was it just me or did it look like two huge caterpillars had crawled up Julie's neck and were about to engulf her head? Or maybe they were going for that HUGE necklace she was wearing. Did some robin mistake the Chelmet for a nest and lay some eggs all over her chest(yes, I know robin eggs are blue, but maybe it was a magical robin)? I have no clue what was going on here, but at least it got me in a good mood to start things off.
But first! We have to have a little update on what has transpired since Tuesday. It's no coincidence that the time that Beau has been HOH has been some of the dullest moments in the house all season. And the saddest part is that he isn't quiet and introverted because he is quietly plotting what is going to happen next. From what I have seen, he is a complete idiot, and the only reason he doesn't open his mouth more is because he's not sure what to do when there is no 60-year-old schlong for him to take care of. Let's play a drinking game next time. Every time Beau finishes a sentence, you take a drink! This game is for everybody, even your friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, because Beau is so incompetent, you never have to worry about even having a sip of alcohol.
With nothing that Beau does worth anything, that usually means that the burden of entertainment falls on Howie, and this is once again the case. This time, we have learn that Howie has, wait for it, wait for it...a white ass! It was a tad more Howie than I wanted to see, but Beau is getting sick of all of the women in the house, so he asks Howie to give a little show. He wants him to streak back and forth across the yard a couple of times. Just when we believed that we might be getting to see all of Hurricane Howie, we learned that perhaps Howie isn't a man whore anymore. He's not going to take his pants off for nothing; they have to promise him something. They better be stuffing Jacksons down his g-string, at the very least.
Apparently James must have let the Bible out of his sight for a few minutes, because it was in the backyard and Howie wanted everybody to swear that they were going to vote out Rachel. Beau was up for it, and Ivette saw no problem with it, but Maggie wasn't going to swear on the Bible. You know, she's too good to swear on the Bible. Actually Maggie, this would be the perfect time to swear on the Bible because you know that Rachel is going home. Why not swear on the Bible, it proves that you can keep a promise? Maggie didn't see it that way, and how had his opinion as to why, saying "Big Fat Maggie" was a lying sack of garbage. Now that is a put down! None of this, you are pitch black and stark white stuff Beau tried to pull.
God, I really hate Maggie. When oh when are the CBS producers going to do the "getting fat" montage? Notice that whenever the friendship needs a meeting, it seems to take place in the pantry nowadays? Seeing Maggie and Ivette before and after will make my day. For now, I have to listen to their idiotic comments and logic.
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