The episode began with the always-welcomed surprise of the Saturday Chenbot. Departing from the cha-cha-cha stylings of her tassel-clad, nouveau-matador garb of two nights ago, Julie came to us all simple and classy with a modest black shirt and white pants combo. I momentarily thought she might give us a tour of the MOMA, maybe dissect the works of Cézanne and Pissarro, and then finish up with a bottle of wine and an engaging discussion about Joan Didion. But alas, my brie-filled fantasies were short-lived as the Chenbot simply drew us into her studio and reminded us that tonight was an eviction episode. And yes, the camel toe was back.

Julie started things off with a bang as she just barely cleared the night's first alliterative hurdle. With a mild slur in her voice, she successfully read, "Beau, the personal shopper from Pembroke Pines." Wow. That's a lot of "b" and "p" sounds (bilabial plosives, if you will -- yes, I took a linguistics class once). Thank goodness this show was taped. Wouldn't want to have heard the Chenbot's live attempt at alliteration. It's probably would have sounded something like "Beau, the personal shopper from Pembroke plaaaghaaaah." Must we forget last year's inexplicable Chenbot hiccup?

Anyway, after warming our hearts with another "But first!", Julie returned us to the house where we once again relived James's eviction. "In a way, I'm like everyone's hero at this point," gushed April in the Diary Room, adding, "Did I say 'hero?' I meant 'elder.' By about forty-five years."

Yes, April thought she was the savior of the house after being the first HOH to successfully oust James. Of course, in the eyes of America, this week's savior was Howie who for once clocked in a clutch performance during the Head of Household competition. I was still coming down from the high of his victory when CBS re-aired it (but now in blue-and-white "memory vision"). Ah, so wonderful. But why must the anti-Friendship always win for the two-day stints? That's not nearly enough time to broker deals and flaunt power. Oh well. At least Howie's victory would ensure another Friendship hit. "It just means that one of us are going home," explained April. "In my case, that would be Shady Pines Retirement Home. Oh, I do hope Ethel is still alive."

As for Ivette, well, she didn't take the loss too well. This one was hers for the taking, she insisted. After all, she's not only a huge bowling fan, but she even has her very own bowling ball. (Everybody Loves a Spicy Bowling Ball!) But alas, Ivette was left with nothing but bewilderment at her performance: "I'm dumbstruck. I really am." Or at least dumb.

Of course, in typical fashion, Ivette moved from dumbstruck to whiny victim as she cried to her friends, "Why can't I get blessed? Why can't I get the strength these people continue to have?" Good question. Maybe because you're dumb? You're uncoordinated? God hates you? Oooh! Ooooh! I know! Because you keep expecting to be "blessed" by a false sense of deservedness! That's why.

Ivette then turned her wrath on Janelle as she skewered her nemesis in the Diary Room: "She's got the worst soul I've ever seen in a human being." Uhhhh, based on what? The fact that she's prettier than you? The fact that she's smarter than you? The fact that she's more liked by America than you? But I shouldn't make fun. Ivette's hated Janelle since the first moment she met her, and honestly, if there's anyone who knows about having a good soul, it's someone who makes flash judgments based on little to no information.

Nevertheless, Ivette and her soul of sunshine were placed on the chopping block with Beau, causing more tears and anguish. Luckily, The Friendship swooped in to provide comfort while the rest of us gawked at Maggie's blossoming ass. Holy Butt-first! This just further fueled my theory that whoever wrote in that question about Maggie losing weight was clearly pulling a sarcastic fast one on CBS.

Anyway, in this super-compressed episode, we then jumped immediately to Howie's new HOH room where he received two light sabers (or "savers" as Sarah had called them) from Big Brother. Even this -- the dorkiest of gifts -- made Beau squeal. He could find a pebble in a urinal, and he'd still be emitting sounds of shrill pleasure. Nevertheless, everyone began playing with the light sabers, and we were treated to a silly little montage of Howie and Janelle swinging the toys around in the dark, with the producers happily switching back and forth from darkness to night-vision. We haven't had this much excitement since the time April fell from her walker.

Posted by B-side on September 4, 2005 8:26 PM