Later, after that initial contact high with the light-sabers had run its course, Maggie and April schemed in the backyard and agreed to partner up and stick with each other until the very end. The two laughed about their new alliance, but when Ivette walked in and asked what had happened, April replied with a terse, "NOTHING." And of course Ivette, being the moron that she is, accepted this as the truth, despite the shifty eyes and awkward throat-clearing. Honestly, April could have simply said, "I'm not April. I'm her evil, robotic twin," and Ivette totally would have believed it. In fact, she probably would have run into the house yelling "APRIL! APRIL! There's an evil robot that looks just like you in the backyard! It has a terrible soul too!"

With the veto competition looming, things became a little tricky for The Friendship. Maggie, lying on a cot and looking sad (she was homesick. She missed her turtle collection) pondered what she would do if she won the competition. On the one hand, there was April who didn't want Maggie to use it. But then on the other hand there was also Ivette, who said that if she won the competition, she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she removed herself and put someone else in the way (translation: one of YOU win it so I don't have to feel bad). What would Maggie do???

We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, Holly made her horrific and surprising return to the house, ushering in a round of shrieks and hugs that served only to pulverize all my precious stemware. Once I was done sweeping away the remaining shards of any glass in the TVgasm office, I resumed the Tivo and learned that Holly was there to officiate today's big veto competition.

The season comes to a screeching halt. Literally.

"It's awesome because it's a previous house guest that I really, truly like," said Ivette. Of course Ivette "really, truly" likes Holly. The two of them, with Beau, go down as the Holy Trinity of people we'd most like to throw into a volcano. Anyway, everyone bounced into the backyard where a giant craps table awaited them. Welcome to Big Brother Casino. This was a fairly amusing game. Everyone started with ten chips. One person would then roll oversized dice, on one of which was a week number and on the other was a phrase like "won veto" or "replacement nominee" etc. Holly would then ask the houseguests an appropriate question based on the dice ("Who won the veto in week three?"), and each contestant would answer by showing a name. Correct responses would win double their wager. Incorrect responses would lose to the house. You know, like gambling. I personally think Holly should have asked the question to whomever was rolling the dice, and then everyone would have to bet on how much faith they had in that person's knowledge of house trivia. But whatever. This was fine enough.

Well, up first was April who promptly rolled a "crap out" which meant that everyone lost, especially the viewers who had to hear Holly yell, "You guys! It's a crap out! CRAP!" Crap out was an understatement...

Holly then demonstrated her continued idiocy by announcing, "The whole house loses." Actually, the whole house wins. Unless she was talking about "house" as in "household," but she wasn't, and so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Luckily, the next round was more fruitful for the houseguests as they all answered correctly, leading to a chorus of "YAY!"s from Holly. Seriously, shoot her now. At least with a stun gun. And in case you missed it, click here to hear Holly officiating. Warning: this may be one of the most annoying audio clips of all time.

Anyway, the producers then fast-forwarded through the rounds as we watched a peppy montage of people winning, losing, and drawing. Okay, they didn't do that last part, but dammit if I'm not going to work a vague Vicki Lawrence reference into this post. After everyone had rolled the dice, it was time to tally up the chip totals, and wouldn't you know it? There was a four-way tie: April, Ivette, Janelle, and Maggie. Very interesting. Holly announced that she would roll the dice for a tie-breaker question, and lo and behold, everyone answered correctly except Ivette (who, you may remember, is dumb). The other three each bet all their chips (nineteen each), causing Holly to remark, "Gosh! Three times nineteen is like a million!" Or fifty-seven, assuming you're using base-ten, not base-IDIOT.

Well, with a three-way tie, I found myself surprisingly absorbed in this competition for no good reason. What would happen? Who would win? CBS SPECIAL REPORT! CBS SPECIAL REPORT! REHNQUIST DEAD!!!!

B-b-b-but the veto competition! How could you cut away? This news is sad and politically significant and everything... but THERE'S A MOTHER F#@!KING THREE-WAY TIE ON BIG BROTHER!!!! Has CBS even heard of a crawl??!?!?!?!? Sigh. At least this just happened to be one of the most unimportant vetoes yet. And plus, we didn't have to listen to Holly's voice as long as those suckers on the East Coast (and by all means, if anything interesting did happen after the three-way tie, please let me know).

Okay, so after the CBS news break (fast forward on the Tivo, thank you very much), we returned to the household where everyone was milling around in the wake of the competition. It looked like Maggie had won, although I don't know how or why. THANKS, CBS. Well, Maggie wanted to speak to Howie, but the HOH felt a bit nervous. "Can Janey come with us, would you mind?" he asked.

"Can you do it on your own?" replied Maggie.

Posted by B-side on September 4, 2005 8:26 PM