The show began just the way every Thursday episode begins: with the Chenbot lovingly standing on her studio lanai. And keeping in line with last Saturday's outfit, Julie came to us wearing a classy, if not sparkly, shirt and pants combo. Apparently the wild days of super-tasseled mini-coats were behind her. However, while The Chenbot may have seemed glamorous at first glance, it became wildly evident that this wasn't the same old Ju-Ju. No, Ms. Moonves had been replaced with a darker, edgier prototype; one that wears black lipstick and listens to The Cure. Ladies and gentlemen, the Gothbot has arrived.

Who was this evil hostess? And what had she done with the Chenbot? Would she force Marilyn Manson upon us? Would she down a goblet of lamb's blood in worship of Lucifer? Or would she simply draw a mighty Pentagram on the Big Brother front door?

Actually, neither. Turns out the Gothbot is just an all-dark version of the Chenbot. It wasn't a major shift, but it was enough to startle loyal Chenbot enthusiasts such as me. I mean, she was one eye-patch away from being pure evil.

Nevertheless, after a spirited "But first!", the Gothbot whisked us back into the Big Brother compound where we happily caught up with our feuding house guests. Once again, we relived the wonderful veto ceremony this week as Janelle took herself off the block, precipitating April's first nominee experience. "What a cute pawn!" said Howie, trying to lift her spirits. Yeah, she's very cute. Sort of the way Sophia on The Golden Girls was cute.

After the veto ceremony, Janelle and Howie retreated to their Gold Room lair and tried to plot their next move. In their minds, Ivette's best strategic move would be to take one of them to the final three because she'd never be able to win against April or Maggie. Unfortunately, Ivette's brain doesn't always process things like "logic" and "common sense" or "anything mildly intelligent," so while I enjoyed this scheming, I still could not believe that the Sovereign Two would be able to change the game. That didn't stop Howie from being optimistic though. After all, as he noted, we've seen major betrayals before. Lest we forget the clones turning on the Jedis? Yes, this was all like a Star Wars movie, claimed Howie. Yes, a really lame Star Wars movie. Well, more like another really lame Star Wars movie. Although... now that I think about it, considering this season of Big Brother has been more exciting than the last three Star Wars combined, maybe I should re-assess that "lame" comment. After all, this season's had all the things we want from a Star Wars movie: an epic battle between good and bad, amazing special effects (making 31-year-old April look 93 was genius), and of course a new C3P0 prototype in the Chenbot. Take heed George Lucas. Your next trilogy is upon us!

Nevertheless, Howie brought his scheming to an end, saying it was time to go to the dark side of the force. The producers then froze the screen and quickly erased Howie's light saber in a low-budget attempt to make him look like a young Jedi knight. I told you this show had great special effects, and I'm not even talking about that sweet-ass light saber transition we saw about three seconds later. Man the editors must be bored.

Later, Howie and Janelle cornered Ivette to talk strategy, making April extremely nervous up in the HOH room (she was spying via the TV). What happened next was extremely disturbing. Howie actually spoke clearly and coherently. Yeah, I know. Crazy, right? I don't know what had gotten into him (maybe the Dark Side suited him), but Howie laid out a plan for Ivette in a straightforward and Kaysarian way. He presented her with logical arguments as to why she should keep him and Janelle, and had I been watching the show for the first time tonight, I would have thought Howie had been the mastermind behind the entire season. Alas, despite this winning performance, Howie's deft use of logic was obviously lost on Ivette as she quickly retreated up to The Friendship to report everything. Honestly Howie, you did a great job, but trying to talk strategy with Ivette is like trying to speak French to a seal: nothing's gonna get through. And you might smell like fish afterwards. But that's neither here nor there.

Well, up in the HOH room, Ivette announced, "They're trying to work every angle they can." And with Ivette, you know there are a lot of angles to work. Wide angles, if you will. Nevertheless, a nervous April suddenly blurted out, "Everyone in this house deserves the money. I have credit cards. You can't sit here and say that someone is in more dire need than anyone else." She then added, "I mean, I lost my life savings in The Great Depression, and you don't hear me complaining."

Posted by B-side on September 9, 2005 4:08 AM