Moments later, when April had left the room (probably to take her afternoon Geritol), Ivette confessed that she wouldn't be happy if April made it to the final two. Uh oh. Might this be the first signs of a Friendship betrayal? Or just more slick CBS misdirection? We'd have to wait to find out because we then returned to the Gothbot who was happily awaiting us in her studio. You know, in the wake of all that Star Wars talk, maybe the Gothbot is just the Dark Side version of the Chenbot. Dark Sith Lord Julie Chen, if you will. Call her what you want, our robotic hostess faced her first malfunction of the night in a glorious manner. "Hello everyone!" she robo-chirped to the house guests, but only a cold silence hung in the air. Meanwhile, inside the Chenbot, red emergency lights flashed while an urgent alarm blared at full volume. Hold onto your seats. This baby's going down!

An exclusive peek inside the Chenbot.

Yes, a technical gaffe had derailed Julie Chen as the house guests could neither hear nor see her on their living room monitor. Instead, all they had to gaze upon were some placid clouds floating by, kind of like what you see on an airplane before the safety video comes on. In stark contrast to this calming image was the Chenbot, who had now expelled a flurry of sparks, not to mention a large plume of smoke.

"Helloooo house guests?" she asked, as the self-destruct sequence in her CPU clicked past the thirty-second mark. Meanwhile, the CBS camera men had already bolted for the nearest fire exit, only to find they had been locked in the studio, sure to meet an untimely death unparalleled since Chernobyl.

With little else to do but try one last time, Julie borrowed a line from Verizon and asked, "Hello everyone. Can you hear me now?" Suddenly the living room came to life as the house guests all responded, sending a wave of emotions -- equal parts relief and victory -- over Julie Chen. It was as if we were at the climax of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, and Nicholas Cage had just cut the correct bomb wire.

Sweet relief!

Click here to hear the whole awkward ordeal.

Once order had been restored in the Cheniverse, we were able to resume where we had left off: idle chatter with the contestants. I don't remember much of what was said, but I do know that at one point, Julie asked Howie how he enjoyed being the one guy left in the house. The aspiring weatherman said it was great because they were all like family, noting, "They're like step-sisters really, but non-blood-related." Yes. That would be the definition of STEP SISTER.

Julie then pointed out that April hadn't smoked in over a month, prompting the question as to whether or not she would keep it up after the game. "Uhhhh... yes. Absolutely," replied April. Oh shut up. Don't lie to us. We just heard you say "Uhhhhh." You're gonna smoke like a chimney, just as you have for the last fifty-four years. But April had more delusions for us: "I came in here-- I wasn't really a true smoker, but yes, I smoked." Not a true smoker? You make Tom Waits sounds like a British choirboy. (I was going to make some vague comparison about coal miners and castrati, but I think Tom Waits really does the trick.)

Anyway, after April was done telling us how much she doesn't smoke, Julie took us to the commercial break, asking us what will Ivette's mother and girlfriend think of how she's played the game. I WONDER. Actually, it was pretty interesting. When we came back from the break, we met Ivette's mother who looked like the bizarre hybrid of Horatio Sanz, Wendy the Snapple Lady, and Gene Wilder. We also saw Ivette's girlfriend for the first time since the premiere episode, and yes, she still looked amazingly like the hybrid of Piggy and... Piggy. Yeah, she was all Piggy.

Shockingly, these two women were awesome. Piggy earned instant bonus points by saying, "Nothing against Cappy because I don't know the guy. I don't really like him. I hate Ivette's obsession with him. I can't stand it. It drives me crazy." Uh oh. This will be an awkward Thanksgiving. Maybe Piggy was just a little jealous of the trollish cue ball firefighter. But no, Momma was upset too. "She forgot her Beau a lot of times!" she pointed out, as we saw footage of poor Beau sitting alone at the hot tub. Awww. Everyone forgot about Beau-Beau! Either that or they were just avoiding his piercing caterwaul.

The best part about this little segment though was how badly Ivette's mom wanted her to betray The Friendship: "You didn't go there to make friends. You went there to win. To win at a game. Not to make friendship." Translation: VOTE THAT BITCH APRIL OUT!

Meanwhile, Piggy continued to endear herself to America by commenting, "As Ivette's girlfriend, it's probably not right for me to say that A) I do like Janelle. I like Janelle in the game. I think she's a great player. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's witty... She's charismatic. She's got all these great qualities." So basically, um, these two will be broken up about thirty minutes after the season's over. Man, why couldn't Piggy have been Ivette's secret partner?

Posted by B-side on September 9, 2005 4:08 AM