Anyway, this segment wrapped up, and then it was time for Julie to ask Ivette a few questions in the privacy of the HOH room. This was a fairly humdrum interview; so I'm not going to really get into it. Afterwards though, we got to take a trip to the sequester house, and I still don't know why CBS doesn't dedicate even a half an hour to this parallel world. Nevertheless, things were tense in the Sideways house, although you wouldn't know it if you saw the silly footage of Rachel and Jennifer feeding fish in the lake below. I don't know how Rachel and Jennifer managed to co-exist alone for a full week, but luckily their hellish world expanded by one as James showed up with a middle finger in tow. "I really am disappointed to see James here. I was really hoping for a spicy Latina," remarked Rachel. But Rachel, everybody loves a spicy Latina! I mean, it says so on the shirt... that Ivette wears every. single. DAY. (and Johanna from Real World too.)

Well, the addition of James was more than enough to bring this fish-feeding household from the doldrums to the, uh, not doldrums. He and Jennifer immediately went at it as they watched the videotape of the last week, and at times they even crossed the line from being PA to full on A (that's passive-aggressive and aggressive in TVgasm slang). "We know what Busto's plans are," said James as he relived the past week.

"You're such a jerk. Get over it," said Jennifer, annoyed at the April insults. Hey Jenny, you might want to develop a thicker skin before you leave the Big Brother bubble. Let's just say your biggest fan site is Jenvasquezsucks.com. By the way, if Jennifer's still cheerleading for the Dallas Desperados next Spring, I'd totally get a group together and boo her. That would just be funny. Pathetic, but funny.

Best jury house EVER (despite being in stupid wine country).

Anyway, the Jen/James rivalry was beautiful to behold, and it was great to see that the anti-April crusade hadn't died either. "America hates you April!" shouted James. "I'm just kidding. No I'm not. America hates you." Man, this show is awesome.

Later, Beau and his new trucker cap joined the jury house, but his arrival yielded little drama, as usual. James seemed to pick up where Howie left off, giving Beau two kisses and even carrying him into the house as if he were his new bride. And with that stirring image, we returned to the Chenbot who faked us out with a "For now" instead of a "But first!" Listen writers, don't get all cutesy with us. We want our "But first" and we want it NOW.

Anyway, we watched a few clips as Maggie and Janelle deliberated on who they'd vote for. Of course, the cult of The Friendship was in full effect as Maggie explained, "Turning your back on someone in The Friendship would pretty much seal the deal on you not getting anyone in Friendship's vote for you in the end." Maggie then shaved her head and pledged to build a commune in the countryside. In other news, Tom Cruise has left Scientology for The Friendship.

Finally, it was time for the eviction, which meant the nominees had the floor. April thanked everyone under the sun. Everyone, that is, but PEPPERONI! This was worse than Hilary Swank's first Oscar win. As for Howie, he thanked every single person he could think of, and after what felt like thirty minutes, he was still talking. Needless to say, the Chenbot was NOT happy. Howie had sent her carefully timed chatter out of whack. Might there be a second meltdown?

The Chenbot struggles to improvise when her patented laugh-interrupt fails

Amidst all his babbling, Howie somehow managed to suggest an illicit affair with the Chenbot as he said, "If you weren't married, Julie..." Hey, be careful. That's Les Moonves's girl you're talking about. This sexy bitch only belongs to one man.

You can't touch this.

Anyway, it was time to vote, and even though CBS tried to make this seem unpredictable, we all pretty much knew how things would go. Sure enough, Janelle voted against April, Maggie voted against Howie, and in the tie-breaker, Ivette evicted Howie. Sigh. Now if Janelle makes it to the final two, she'll have to somehow win a Friendship vote, and that's unlikely to happen. Oh well.

Well, the girls all ushered Howie out of the house with a steady stream of hugs, kisses, and in the case of April, BS. "Howie, we're gonna miss you so much," she said in her typically phony way. Just shut up already.

As Howie crossed the threshold and walked out the house, he looked out over the "lawn" and joked "Julie?" as if he couldn't see her. Amazingly, this CRACKED the Chenbot up, and she giggled heartily as Howie bounded over to her. And then the unthinkable happened. Julie extended her robo-handshake, and Howie clasped it... AND THEN KISSED HER ON THE CHEEK! And what did Julie do? She went from giggling hostess to full-on hysterical robot. I mean, Julie went nuts (comparatively). Looks like Les Moonves might have to rewire his wife a bit.

Anyway, once the Chenbot settled down a bit, she asked Howie if the turning point in the game was when he nominated James and Sarah (yes). "James and Sarah, whether they were coming after me or not, I couldn't take a shot at James taking me out. You know, blindsiding me," he explained. Well big news: you blindsided yourself, jerk. And even though everyone else has pretty much admitted that Howie's critical nominations led to the downfall of the Sovereign Six (Five, Four, Three, Two, and now One), Howie was reticent to take blame, instead saying that the whole game was full of woulda, coulda, shoulda. True... but this was still all your fault.

Posted by B-side on September 9, 2005 4:08 AM