Anyway, Maggie gave a typical "My strategy was to blend in" response, which meant it was time for Beau to ask his question. "What was your strategy after Cappy got evicted?" he asked. Maggie replied, "My strategy was to not get evicted." Well, THANKS! That really sheds some light on your game. This is why I'd never last one second on Big Brother. My strategy is to get evicted. Duh. I should totally consider not getting evicted.

April was up next with her dumb question to Ivette: "It took down to the five people being there until you started winning. Were you throwing the competitions or was it that there were stronger competitors, you feel, in the game at that time?" Yeah, wonderful question. Surprise, surprise, Ivette said she hadn't thrown the competitions and that she tried super hard every week. Gosh, I never would have thought she'd say that. Way to cut to the heart of it, April!

Lastly, it was time for Jennifer to pose a question, and I'm still trying to decide whether it was a lame, self-serving attempt to clear her image, or a strategical move to boost Ivette-hate. She asked, "Maggie, when I was HOH, and we were all upstairs in our own group, who was the one person that initially brought up Kaysar's name as a nomination?" Just shut up Jennifer. Now I'm doing her classic move: rolling my eyes. For the record though, Ivette did fess up that it was her idea, but honestly, five or six weeks later, I don't think anyone in the jury still gave a shit.

Well, the two women gave some generic final speeches, and then it was time for the jury to confer again. "I found out some things about Maggie that kind of shocked me," stated Jennifer, adding, "She said she couldn't do a cartwheel. I just cannot respect that." Meanwhile, back in the house, Maggie semi-joked to Ivette, "I don't think they like either of us!" Who? The jury? Or AMERICA?

Back on the live show, it was time for Julie to welcome the jury. Sure enough, they all came parading down the runway to the sound of cheering fans, and honestly, if I was there, I would have given Janelle a standing ovation. To his credit, Howie received a loud response, but it was nothing compared with Janey who actually did receive a huge -- and in some places, standing -- ovation. Take THAT, Friendship!

As we cut to commercial, the camera drifted over the cheering crowd, and we were able to get a quick Big Brother audience update. Present were TVgasm friends Josh Souza and Erika Landin (from seasons 1 and 4, respectively), Jack (season 4), Will (season 5), Marvin (season 5), and of course, last year's big winner, Dreamboat Drew (season 5). I'm sure there were others amongst the masses, but honestly, there was a lot to recap. I couldn't dilly-dally with all these cameos.

When we came back, it was time for the jurors to cast their votes. And by the way, a big shout out to Maggie for making sure her hair was all frizzed out for the occasion. It's about time someone dressed up with class... Anyway, Julie instructed the jurors that they could make one brief statement to the nominees before casting their votes. Emphasis on brief. And we all know what happens when The Chenbot's stopwatch goes off. "I NEED AN ANSWER NOW!!!!!"

As much as I loved this season, and as fun as this finale was, I had to admit, this vote was probably the least interesting part of the whole hour. After all, do we really care who wins? I mean, even when it was Jun and Allison, two girls everyone hated, I still desperately wanted Jun to win over Allison. But this year, I'm sorry CBS. My heart walked out with Janelle on Friday.

Okay, enough babbling on my part. Time to listen to the jurors babble instead. Beau was up first, and he gave some empty praise to the girls, but I was too distracted by his stupid shirt that read, "Royalty." I suppose it was an appropriate word, considering Beau was by and large a royal pain in the ear. (Yes, I probably could have made some cheap "queen" joke, but please, we have standards here. Low standards, but standards nonetheeless.)

Up next was April who took the opportunity to talk and talk and talk about who knows what. I probably could have read The Brothers Karamazov thrice over in the time it took April to wrap up. You know she must leave the longest, most annoying, voicemail messages. Honestly, I was surprised The Chenbot didn't try to laugh-interrupt her.

April eventually dropped her key in the voting box and was then followed by James and the accompanying nervous laughter as the audience braced for a bitter comment. Alas, he was remarkably civil and dispatched his vote with no incident. Also relatively polite was Rachel who took as long sticking her key in the box as April spent babbling in front of America. Hurry up Rachel! The Chenbot's gonna blow!

Next was Janelle, and as she rose from her chair, her microphone pack came undone, an affliction that has plagued her seemingly the entire season. Seriously, why does Janelle's mic pack always fall off? Surely I thought this would lead to a total Chen-failure, but let's not forget. This was Cool Cat Chenbot 6.0, and to my surprise, she actually cracked an adlibbed joke: "Before inserting your key as to who you would like to see win the game... put your mic pack on!" Wow, Julie! Well done! Almost in recognition of her newfound go-with-the-flow powers, Julie broke out into that robotic laughter we've come to love so dearly (the ChenCackle, if you will). I nearly did the slow-clap-to-raving-applause in her honor. Bravo! A major improvement over last year's big awkward silence.

Posted by B-side on September 21, 2005 3:06 AM