Hey Now, You're An All Star, Get Your Game On, Go Play! - 
by B-side
Can you feel it? That strange sensation seeping into every corner of your body? It's the lifeblood returning, restoring me once again after nine months of a waking-life hibernation. Yes, Big Brother returned to the airwaves tonight, and while there were two or three casting disappointments (not to mention a complete lack of the two words "BUT FIRST"), I was very, very happy with what looks to be in store for us this season. This game hit the ground running -- a Big Brother anomaly considering that it usually takes about three episodes before the knives come out. You see, unlike seasons past, we don't have to sit through a boring week of pleasantries and small-talk. These people don't want to get to know each other. They want to play. They want to exact revenge. They want to shine once again. Discovery may have Shark Week, but Big Brother has Shark Summer.
Okay, apologies for that cheese-tastic "Shark Summer" line. I don't know what overcame me. Point is that the knives are out hardcore this time around (knives? Sharks? I sound like Cappy with all my mixed metaphors). Granted, there is a lot to be said about watching a group of strangers slowly feel each other out and test the waters. The element of surprise in a normal BB season is one of the added perks. Watching Janelle blossom from ditzy blonde to cunning strategist was one of the delights of Big Brother 6. In many ways, it's about peeling away the layers, discovering new personalities and twists along the way.
Buuuuttt... there's also something to be said about packaged goods. We know what we're getting this time around, and as a result, the show full-on plunged into intrigue within minutes. The "strategery" we saw tonight was the sort of stuff we normally have to wait two or three weeks for. Let's just hope it keeps getting better.
BUT FIRST (I'll say it because Julie Chen wouldn't): let's recap tonight's big premiere.
Unlike last year when we tried and miserably failed to "live blog" (the old sense of the term, not the new, video-enhanced version we like to throw around) the premiere, we're going to stay traditional this time around with your standard recap. Translation: go to the bathroom, eat a danish, check your email. This might take a while.
Tonight's big premiere started off with the Chenbot standing in front of the household, all smiles and awkwardness. "Good evening. I'm Julie Chen, and this is the Big Brother we've been waiting for!"
AND HOW!!!
Julie then made her trademark trek from the front door to the studio, and by the way, let's talk about that front door for a sec. It looked like it had been pieced together from every high school musical set in a fifty mile radius. My sophomore year production of Brigadoon had more professional-looking facades than that thing.
Nevertheless, Julie walked towards us wearing a smart, little outfit suit: black pants, white top, and colorful personality (insert robotic "Ha. Ha. Ha." here). We then received a quick tour of the new Big Brother house, and immediately, we picked up on a theme: heaven vs. hell. Cool idea, but the execution had an unintentional downside. You see, the second floor of the house was all light and white and blue -- you know, sky and heaven colors. The first floor, however, was all about hell, which meant lots of oranges and yellows and red. Unfortunately, this just made everything look like a 1970s model home crossed with an old McDonald's. Not sexy. I think next season, the producers should take page from MTV's '70s House, and just go full force with a 1970s decor, down to all the amenities. That would be awesome.
After the tour, we then returned to Julie who appeared behind an upside-down conical podium. It actually looked like the Chenbot's engineers had merely swapped out her legs for a giant drill bit, as if she were about to go digging for oil. Either that, or she was going to spin like a mighty dreidel.
Let's sing the song!
I have a little Chenbot.
I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready,
Oh Chenbot I shall play!
She has a lovely body,
With legs so short and thin.
And when she gets all tired,
she drops and then I win.
My Chenbot's always playful,
She loves to dance and spin.
A happy game of Chenbot,
Come play -- let's begin!
Anyhoo, DreidelBot then called out the twenty potential cast members, and each one walked onto the set with a big smile and the occasional stupid gesture. Mike Boogie, for instance, walked on stage with his arms spread out as if there were an audience of 3,000 fans cheering him on. Sadly, as far as we could tell, there were just three people and a smiling robot waiting for him.
From season three, Danielle and Lisa emerged back to back, thus providing a terrible tandem of sartorial disaster. Danielle appeared to be wearing some translucent cityscape shirt that looked garish and dumb. Lisa, on the other hand, was wearing a big white shirt, but right in the middle of it was a bright red rose image that was not unlike a giant blood stain. Seriously, she looked like she'd been gashed with a machete backstage (I'm looking at you, Marcellas).
"Don't mind me and my massive knife wound!"
And speaking of looking dumb, Michael "Cowboy" Ellis stepped onto the stage wearing a sleeveless shirt and his standard, goofy, dumbstruck face. Jase also managed to impress with his awfulness. His hair still looked like a bird's nest -- but now it was a bird's nest that had been through two years of regurgitated worms and bird shit. In other words: it was horrendous.
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