TVgasm Recaps

Monday marked the super sized debut of The Biggest Loser on the National Broadcast Network. In which a ton of people compete for a $250,000 prize. When I say ton of people, I mean a ton of people. The combined weight of the competitors is over 3,000lbs. I haven't seen this many breasts on men since...well just about any time I drive through West Hollywood. Ok, bad example.

The Premise of the show is to lose the most weight but not through "sucking and tucking" (which is only 1 letter off from one of my favorite movie titles) but through some new fad called "diet and exercise"?? Ummm..I know, I'm with you on this. Diet and exercise just sounds ugly. Why on earth would I want to do that? I can't help but feel bad for these chunky monkeys as I sat there watching this show with my thin crust (low carb) pizza and wearing my Ab Tronic abdomen shocking belt, (its like doing 1000 sit-ups while I just sit there!!)

After a brief recap of last week's inaction, tonight's episode starts off with a "Temptation" challenge. The contestants are led to another food-filled room. At each person's seat is a letter from home and a silver platter full of their favorite foodstuffs. The challenge? "If You Eat It, You Can Read It." Shannon tells the camera, "the first thing I saw was my daughter's handwriting. Instantly, I wanted to... eat." Not really. The first thing she wanted to do was see what was inside, but to do so, she'd have to eat. Talk about a real Sophie's Choice.

Suzi is totally freaking out over the food's disappearance. Seems she's just not ready to have to order her own food yet. From the looks of it, she's not ready to do her own hair and makeup yet either.

Week four kicked off with Caroline greeting both teams outside the ranch. For some reason, Caroline was wearing a low-cut hippie-esque ensemble, reminiscent of something Stevie Nicks would make had she been a contestant on The Cut. You just know she reeked of patchouli.

Tonight's episode starts off with the announcer telling us "So far the teams have lost a total of 483 pounds. But The Biggest Loser isn't just about losing weight. It's about changing lives." Lives like those of Andrea from Season One, who's lost a total of 67 pounds since last year, and who'll be making a very special appearance later tonight. That's great, but what happened to inspiring a nation? So far, tonight's episode is leaving me totally unchanged and uninspired.

Hopefully, inspiration awaits after the jump...

After last week's Elimination Ceremony, the girls have to tell the guys they voted to eliminate Jen. Needless to say, the guys are pissed, especially Mark, who leads the men in the most shocking walk-out ever. (BTW, walking-out is a $50 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!) Mark goes so far as to tell Andrea "don't ever talk to me again. You guys are the stupidest people I know. And that's all I know." God, MENSA members can be so cruel. Mark's not very nice either.

And what a show it was. We made up for last week's inaction with one of the stupidest Elimination Ceremonies ever. Suffice it to say, I am no longer rooting for either Matt or Seth, as they have both proved themselves nincompoops of the highest order.

To start off tonight's live two-hour finale, the announcer gives us a brief recap of the season: "Nine months ago, 14 people arrived at this ranch with one common goal: to lose weight and change their lives forever." Okay, not to get picky in the first graph, but that's two goals. Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I'm going to get picky in the first graph. That's what B-Side and J-Unit pay me to do, isn't it?

*Crickets*

Anyway, here in TVgasm's Colorado Springs offices, we also resolved to lose weight. Of course, our other resolution was to drink more microbrews, so it looks like I'll be jogging to the liquor store from now on. Fortunately, I made an inspirational Biggest Loser tshirt to remind myself of my goals.

By Nite Writer P Funk

We all agree that The Biggest Loser is a show about inspiring change and eliminating obesity, right? So why, I ask, does NBC air a lengthy season finale where home viewers will sit on their asses for 2 hours? MONEY, my friend, money! C’mon, do you really think that NBC was thinking of the viewers when they booked the Chief Fitness Officer of 24 Hour Fitness. I guess one of hour of plugs and random cameos just isn’t enough.