My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard... - 
by copygodd
As part of "Food Gone Week" the contestants go out to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. That's harsh. Why not just take a field trip to Hershey, Pennsylvania? (Speaking of which, did you know Pennsylvania's a state? One of the women on the Amazing Race didn't. Man, I wish I were recapping that show.) Bob's team has a lot of questions about what to order, and they take his advice and make healthy choices. Jillian's team, on the other hand... When she catches Matt trying to sneak a dessert behind a napkin, she grabs the dessert and pours salt all over it. Then she delivers the following Deep Thought: "You've got to change your behavior. You do not need to rely on willpower. Willpower is greatly overrated, and by destroying it, it will make it incapable for you to submit to temptation." Is it just me, or does that make no sense whatsoever? If ever there were a time for a bit of awkward ADR on this show, ala The Donald on The Apprentice, this is it.
"Bitch, I will cut you."
Time for this week's challenge, which takes place on a train. (By the way, I was going to call this week's recap The Great Train Flabbery, but I didn't want to be accused of relying too heavily on fat jokes -- get it? Heavily?) Caroline makes her first appearance of the night, telling the contestants, "Until now, you've been training on treadmills and training on bicycles... But for today's challenge, you'll be training... on a train!" Why doesn't this woman have a sitcom? Or at least a recurring role on Joey. The way this challenge works is pretty simple: Each team puts one player on each car of the train. At opposite ends of the train are 36 colored rubber balls. The goal is to pass the balls from one end of the train to the other, one ball at a time. First team to get all 36 balls from one end of the train to the other gets to make like ET and phone home.
The women get off to a fast start, and build up a quick two-ball lead. By the halfway point, however, the men have caught up and tied it at 18 balls apiece. Matt tells us if it were any other prize he'd have probably sat out (he did tear a quad last week), but that he really wants to rub it in Suzanne's face. Evidently, he's still smarting from the fondue tower incident. Actually, he just wants to call home. Carrying the last ball, Nick starts tossing it up in the air as he's walking down a moving open-air car! Man, it'd have been funny to see him drop the ball off the train. For one, because he'd have made his team lose. For another, because it'd be the first funny thing he's done since the show started. And the guy's a friggin' comedian! I'm surprised NBC hasn't talked to him about replacing Matt LeBlanc. Poor Suzanne, meanwhile, is waiting dejectedly by the door for Jen, who's too tired from making faces to finish her leg. Guys win!
Mark tells us after their victory, they all gave a little high five, then sat down and almost passed out. All except for Pete, that is, who sat down and almost had a heart attack. Fortunately for Pete, this time Dr. Jeff was within arm's distance, so he was able to pat him on the shoulder until the ambulance showed up. (Between ignoring Matt last week and not doing much for Pete this week, Dr. Jeff is starting to make Dr. House look like Florence Nightingale.) After watching Pete get loaded into the ambulance, Dr. Jeff is surprised to see a second ambulance pull up. As he tells us later, "I thought, 'Pete's not that big a guy'." Way to steal my thunder, Doc. Instead, the second ambulance was for Ryan, who couldn't catch her breath. (By the way, why did Pete and Ryan each get an ambulance, when last week poor Matt got schlepped around in the PA's van?)
Two's a party...
Later, Ryan returns to a less than enthusiastic response from her team. Seriously, I've seen more enthusiasm at the proctologist's office. When she mentions it in her voiceover, they cut to shots of Jen and Shannon so not caring. Imagine how bad she'd feel if she saw the way Pete was greeted by his teammates. Hugs all around! Turns out Ryan had an asthma attack and maybe an anxiety attack, while Pete simply had a cold. A very big cold.
The guys get to make their phone calls home. It's been over a month since they've talked with their loved ones, so it's pretty emotional. Pete, who for some reason calls his wife Bubba, tells us when he's home, he talks with her at least two hours a day. Evidently, the honeymoon still isn't over. I've been married for seven or eight years now, and I'm lucky if I talk to my wife two hours a week. (Kidding!) Seth's wife tells him he has some competition, as she's lost five pounds in the month he's been gone. "Five pounds?" he snorts. "I've lost 29. In your face, Charlie Murphy!" She also tells him the baby's started crawling. "Crawling-crawling?" he asks. "Crawling crawling crawling," she tells him. (I'm no Dr. Spock, but when they showed footage of Seth's baby, he looked to be just crawling. Maybe I'm missing something here?) Dr. Jeff gets to talk with his wife and kids next. Man they're loud. If I were him, I'd start doing suppositories just so I could spend another week away from them. Still, they're not as loud as the Godlewski harpies on The Amazing Race.
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