And Then There Were Three…. - 
by copygodd
And what a show it was. We made up for last week's inaction with one of the stupidest Elimination Ceremonies ever. Suffice it to say, I am no longer rooting for either Matt or Seth, as they have both proved themselves nincompoops of the highest order.
Ah, a nice opening shot of bees, flowers and fountains. I wonder if tonight is the very special "sex talk" episode I've been hearing about. For Suzi's sake, I hope so. Because I'm not sure she's experienced the true joys of womanhood yet.
Bob is super-proud that Andrea and Suzi have made it to the end. He's also super-surprised that the players kept Andrea over Dr. Jeff. "Are you guys high?" he asks the other players. "Because if you are, I have this great super-fast super-quick food in the kitchen. Come on, let's go!" Odds of this being a really lame product placement? 2-1. Odds of it being a product placement for a product I'd actually eat? 20,000,000-1. Yup, it's Quaker Weight-Control Instant Oatmeal. Bob must be high if he thinks I'm eating that crap. Unless one of the flavors is Raisins-N-Crack. Then I might be interested.
Later, Jillian is walking outside with her boys, reminiscing about their first days at the ranch, like when she made Matt run up a small mound of dirt and he started getting cramps and threw up all over the bushes… Yeah, good times. Jillian puts them through a few more exercises for old time's sake. Seth says he's starting to feel better about wearing clothes. Which is bound to make his neighbors feel better about letting their kids spend time at Seth's pool.
"There's a fire in me again to exercise and be more active and a desire to help people," says Seth. "I can run now. I ran five miles yesterday in an hour. I feel like I was sick when I was overweight, and now I feel healthy. I feel like I've been healed." All hail St. Jillian the Rude! Healer of the Sick! Melter of the Fat! Eater of the Worm!
While Seth is genuflecting and lighting candles, Matt's talking to the camera in the Diary Room, wearing some odd hybrid of the Puffy Shirt. "Going into the finals, I feel like I've got some competition. But I never doubted I'd be in the final group." Other things Matt's never doubted: gravity.
Now we get to watch Bob reminisce about his time with the girls. He says the real challenge for them that day was just walking down to the gate and back up to the house. Of course, the way I remember it, the real challenge was figuring out a way to recap this show without relying solely on fat jokes. In flashback mode, we see Suzi trying to run back to the house. Holy god was she flabby. She's like the anti-Danni from Survivor: Guatemala. I swear, her flab had flab.
Over some footage of Matt working in the gym, Jillian tells us she knows he's been struggling lately with the monotony of his workouts. She says she feels bad, because it's her job as his trainer to change things up so that he stays motivated and working as hard as he can. "So, I came up with a plan," she says, explaining how she wanted to dip Matt in turkey entrails, and then turn him loose in a room with three pit bulls. And the turkey's family. When the producers put the kibosh on that, she went with Plan 9: Wrestling!
Matt walks into the gym and sees a mat set up on the floor. Hey, that reminds me: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the ground? Matt! Man, I hope Matt and Jillian are going to wrestle. My money's on Jillian, though, as she has the bigger balls. Plus she cries less.
Before Matt can even start crying, though, a stereo salesman comes out from the back and tries to stop him. Too late. Which means either it's someone Matt knows, or he just realized he hasn't cried in five minutes, and it made him sad. Turns out the guy is Matt's old high school wrestling coach. And he has the voice of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Which is kind of ironic, since after leaving school his Matt developed a Pillsbury Doughbody.
Suddenly, another guy comes running in and jumps him from behind. Relying solely on battle-hardened instincts honed from his two tours in the Golden Corral, Matt slams the guy down on his back. Hey, it's Aaron, Matt's old wrestling buddy! The three friends reunited, Coach reminds them about the importance of having a goal, "whether it's winning wrestling matches, getting your life in order or just being able to see your thingie when you're in the shower."
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums