This season opener opens up with Mr. Jonathan Antin himself in what is surely one of the longest voiceovers EVER. In these four minutes, we are reminded of how grating his voice is. Second, we are quickly reminded what the point of this series is: to showcase Jonathan. A series of clips from previous seasons quickly remind us what makes this show so good -- his ego and how it drives him to find other people to build him up. The other stylists Jonathan employs and relies on to further his name are a quirky lot and their individual behaviors add an extension of drama -- nay, a HAIR EXTENSION of drama to this show.

Unfortunately for us, Jonathan borrows a few pages from the Donald Trump Manual on Self-Aggrandizement for Total and Unabashed Dummies. Admittedly this is a man who started out cutting hair and now has his own show on Bravo -- the American Dream for the 21st century. Enough of the niceties though. Jonathan reminds us that after he built his shop and hired his stylists, it was time for the next big step -- JONATHAN ANTIN WATER. OK, luckily for us he skipped that chapter of Trump's book and only developed a showerhead to filter water for your hair -- but more on that later. Next though was the world's greatest hair care product called -- you guessed it -- Jonathan Product. Admittedly the packaging is pretty, but I'm loathe to use anything in my hair that is called Dirt. Moreover, Jonathan reminds us that Jonathan Product is the fastest selling hair care product in the world and that hair care products are a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. The producers indulge our taste for heated arguments by showing what is one of the greatest reality moments ever when the marketing guy for Jonathan product, who was fed to the teeth with Mr. Antin's antics, finally says "Oh, so your beauty school education is going to allow you to tell me how to do my job?" HA, beauty school zing!

Lest you think Jonathan Product was enough of an ego boost, we are reminded that working under the employ of celebrities is what really makes a person in this world. Jonathan services the biggest celebrities like the made-up celebrity group, The Pussycat Dolls. What's that? His sister OWNS the Pussycat Dolls? Anyhow, it is his product and celebrity exposure that keeps his two shops busy. Funny, I would have relied more on my talent to feed my business.

Lastly, the most unholy of all things unholy -- we learn the man has spawned. Yes, at the end of season two, he proposed to his girlfriend and in the season interim has had a little boy that Jonathan describes as his "newest and greatest venture." Aww, now if that's not love, then I don't know what is.

FINALLY, after the opening credits we ride with Jonathan to his office while he talks about family. His salon and his stylists are his family. His product is like his family. Oddly he has a new family that is coincidentally his ONLY REAL FAMILY-- the Antins. Jonathan explains his salon is expanding to Hawaii after spending $200k on his second salon and another $2.5 million on Jonathan product, but somehow this all adds up to his businesses valuation of "up to $100 million dollars." Hey, no one said you have to be a MENSA member to cut hair. You do, however, need to be able to cry at the drop of a hat, and we are treated to Jonathan's first tear shed. Aww, his child is a venture, and he cries over money. Seriously, this man cries more than the kids in The OC say "hey."

Getting into his salon in the morning, Jonathan goes around harassing his stylists, kissing many too many people, and stepping in to show a stylist a thing or two. I always love when I am in a salon and someone comes over to show my stylist what to do. Instilling confidence in the consumer -- not a strongsuit here. Up in his office, Jonathan's assistant Rosie says the morning show called and wants to discuss the leading issues in our lives today -- namely "fly-away hair, static electricity and hat head." It's here we learn of Rob Lee, who is Jonathan's business manager a.k.a. the slave of satan. Jonathan goes downstairs to kiss a few more women, shake hands with the poor, and kiss children. Uh oh, there's a baby in the room, which of course means Jonathan has to bring it alllll back to him. "My baby is the best in the world -- he sleeps through the night and wakes up laughing, unlike me where I stay up all night and wake up screaming" which I guess was supposed to be a joke as evidence by the fact Jonathan turns around to another stylist who doesn't laugh, but that's ok. Jonathan is man enough to laugh at his own superciliousness.

Posted by on March 27, 2006 11:52 AM