Well, it's another beautiful LA day and time for Jonathan to head to the office. Entering his lair, he kisses a few women, degrades a few stylists and makes some calls. Passing by his receptionist, she asks "how was New York?" Umm, she didn't watch Jonathan on Good Morning America? Worst employee ever. Seeing clients in the salon early in the morning I'm left wondering when Dominic from season two Real World started getting his cuts from Jonathan Salon?? Anyhow, Jonathan talks the small talk, wondering if it's time to change his look because today he's doing "the Johnny Cash Five thing" which I can only guess is a combo Johnny Cash and Jackson Five look. Or in reality, dark wavy hair with a hint of Soul Glow for extra sheen. Just let your SOUUUULLLL GLOWWWW!

ANYWAYS, up in his office Jonathan laments his busy busy life. He's got so much going on like new products, new launches, new products, his baby-but really he's just dying to play golf. Good to see priorities in order. On the phone is Rob Lee ("slave of satan") who is telling Jonathan about another great opportunity for his ego, I mean product, at Sundance. Being sold as a schwag bitch, Jonathan jumps at the opportunity to hawk over 1,000 units of his product for free. Now, ever to put things in perspective, Jonathan reflects that for "Sundance to want Jonathan Product-that's huge." Of course, last year Sundance wanted Lean Cuisine and Evian. And Geico Car Insurance. And Hanes. And white tube socks with no label. IT'S THAT HUGE.

Over in the Beverly Hills Salon ("BHS") we see a totally unstaged conversation as SCOTT, Alyn, and Kiara stand around a client looking totally natural and not talking until the camers start rolling. Discussing the photo shoot from last week, where you know, Jonathan took total creative control away from the creative director, Kiara talks about the gratuitious nudity and the nature of shoots and how what you do on these jobs you bring back to do to your clients. So the BHS apparently now offers pricey cuts, color, 5ft hair extensions, and clothes removal by appointment only. Oh good, SCOTT TALKS. The thing is he seems very nice and good-like my Banana Republic alpaca sweater-but the voice is simply more than I can tolerate. It's like that google video of cats talking. Yeah, that annoying. He says something like "blah blah blah, I get excited when people talk about photo shoots, blah blah blah something."

Back in the WeHo salon, Jonathan tells Clarissa-Jonathan's assistant-that she will be joining him in Park City, Utah for Sundance. So excited, but I'm sure not as excited as SCOTT would have been. Back downstairs we see Jonathan cutting hair when interrupted by Rosie-his manager of salons who asks "how was the morning show?" Seriously, don't these people know how to kiss ass? Didn't anyone watch the morning show? I MEAN IT WAS WITH DIANE SAWYER AND CHARLIE GIBSON! Rosie presents another opportunity for Jonathan as it seems Charles Nolan asks him to do hair at New York Fashion Week. Of course, Jonathan complains to his client about how much it takes to do fashion week, and how much effort. He is so one of those guys that works like 80hrs a week and "complains" about it for everyone to hear how important he must be to work 80hr a week. I sit next to a person like that here in my office, and I always just want to punch him when he speaks about how much of a loser he is for having worked five 15hr days in a row.

Back in the office, the Slave of Satan calls up to discuss Fashion Week details, and Jonathan, ever the mature individual trying to forward his career a bit more, sits at his desk using Scotch Tape to tape his eyebrows up and spray phomollient all over his desk. Yeah, that's mature. Oh, HILARIOUS too.

Leaving for Sundance, he talks about how its tough to leave his "family, [bastard] baby and the [bastard] baby's mama." Aww, no WIFE yet evidently. Seeing his baby, I'm SHOCKED. Granted it is a newborn baby, and babies tend to all look like squishy aliens, but his baby has the biggest head ever. I should know-my cranium is so large, I'm like a walking candy apple-but this kid is going to have issues supporting his massive head later in life. I'm getting tired just looking at it. Must...rest...head.

Once in Sundance and the snow in, you know THE MOUNTAINS, Jonathan and Clarissa bitch about how much snow there is. You know, IN THE MOUNTAINS. En route to the schwag room, some little girl asks for his autograph. You know she did it because she saw cameras following him and in the hope he was someone famous, she asked for an autograph. You know when she got home she was probably so upset that it was a nobody she locked herself in her room crying for a good three hours only to be coaxed out with the promise of a bowl of Count Chocula for dinner.

Posted by on April 4, 2006 3:47 PM