Back in the schwag room, Jonathan unrolls the pièce de résistance-a poster of himself. Splendid. At least Jonathan is realistic in summing up my opinion in saying "there's nothing more nauseating than a picture of me, behind me." Can I get an amen? Setting up his product, we can see why Jonathan is NOT a marketing and display director. He creates a "champagne tower" of Mud, or Dirt or Gutter Water-whatever the hell his product is called-the display looks predictably elementary in execution.

Interrupted from telling people how awful his/her hair is, Jonathan learns Marlee Matlin wants him to do her hair. When I hear Marlee Matlin is appearing I get all giddy since I've always loved her polling analysis on the West Wing-plus the added bonus of seeing Jonathan try and communicate with a deaf person should be a hoot on its own.

Back at the champagne palace, Jonathan is next approached by some dude who hawks nursery rhyme readings. Ummm....what?? Anyhow, you know what's coming...more talk about Jonathan's BABY. We are suddenly in some recording booth listening to Jonathan BUTCHER such classics as "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" or "Hickory Dickory Dock." His readings literally sound like a deaf person doing a reading. Coincidence? I think not. Luckily, Jonathan is making the rhymes his own:

At this point I'd rather hear SCOTT talk than listen to Jonathan butcher a rhyme with no sense of rhythm or concept of musical meter. Sadly, no crying as Jonathan discusses how "heavy that was...I read it, uhh, myself...and pictured him right there in front of me, and that is....pheewww, you know." Yes, I think I do know-what? You don't? I'll give you a hint: 4 8 15 16 23 42...

Over at the Marlee Matlin Manse, Jonathan starts discussing what to do to her hair. Now this woman is of a certain age, been deaf all her life and oh yeah CAN READ LIPS. This doesn't stop Jonathan from gesticulating wildly when describing what he's going to do or how to apply hair product. Seriously, its applying hair product...not as challenging as say, performing a transsphenoidal hypophysectomy. Marlee looks at him like he's an idiot. Oh, did I tell you how much I love her? Seriously-the West Wing-I watch just hoping she'll show up. Jonathan does a straight choppy thing to her hair and admittedly the end product is really quite hott. Aww, she so cute.

"You're an idiot."

HOTT.

Back at the bottomless pit of schwag, Jonathan hawks more product-but not for long since he's in the mood for skiing. Jonathan ditches Clarissa leaving the poor lamb to fend for herself. How nice. Its kinda like when a partner comes into my office and says "The Qwertz, have you ever drafted a stock subscription agreement? No? Ok, well I'm going skiing, so have it done by Wednesday. Oh, and don't f*** up." I feel for her. Of course, the repercussions if she screws up is you know, people walking the streets with hat hair versus my clients going to the clink for violations of securities laws. Same thing really.

Heading up the mountain, Jonathan talks about how he likes to throw his kids into the heat of the moment and the "you know, red part of the flame." Oh, how many pagan rituals must baby Asher now endure aside from living with adults who lack basic knowledge on chemical and/or physical properties (the white part of the flame is the hottest). After shredding it on the slopes, Jonathan gets touchy feely with his business manager by giving thanks and hugs for the even coordination at Sundance. Say what you will about the man, at least he seemingly is appreciative of all those under his employ unlike the Donald. Seriously, when can we see the Donald bear hug Carolyn? Anyone? Bueller?

Back in LA, in the WeHo salon we hear Clarissa rubbing in her Sundance experience with the other stylists who hunger for the little bit of gossip to sink their teeth into. Across the salon, Jonathan has a client who is being treated to a premium cut for her 30th birthday, and because her husband already bought her boobs for her 25th birthday. While cutting Barbie's hair, the humanoid version of the black fever visits Jonathan. Yes, it's his sister Robin coming to ask for "Jon's" assistance with Pussycat Dolls auditions.

Robin Antin.

Rearranging all his other appointments, Jon agrees to help his sister because she's family. You know, like his stylists, or product, or salons. All family. Of course, Jonathan via his blog on bravotv.com puts it more eloquently than I ever could:

Now, I finally get back to LA so that I can cut hair - which is what I want to be doing - and then my sister, Robin, begs me to help her with auditions for the Pussycat Dolls show in Las Vegas. I said, "What do I know about auditions? I'm a hair stylist, man!" But I just can't say no to my sister. She's family, after all. It's like in The Godfather, nothing comes before family.

Posted by on April 4, 2006 3:47 PM