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For their first dance, John and Charlotte did the Rhumba to the Look of Love. Charlotte, who always kept things really classy in the previous round of Dancing with the Stars, strutted out in a see-through number that I wasn't really impressed with. It's not that I don't think Charlotte couldn't pull it off, because she is in great shape for a woman of any age. Perhaps I am naive to think so, but I really did love the "I'm better than you, so I won't dress like a prostitute" attitude we got from her before. Nevertheless the two of them gave a decent performance. I thought it was a little herky jerky at times, and the judges agreed, giving them a 7-8-7. John's facial expressions are still a 10 in my book.

When we returned, we got to see a full routine with two pros. Ashly Del Grosso[not Stephanie, thanks RenDAWG] and Louis VanAmstel Light. Well, he was never heavy, but I let that joke go all summer, might as well try it on for size now. What? Not funny? OK, I'll move on. I really liked the performance these two put on, but they are professionals, so that is no surprise. They danced the jive to "Proud Mary" and I couldn't have been the only one to have Angela Basset and Laurence Fishburne in my head while this was going on, right? I really feel bad for Louis VanAmstel, not just because people make stupid beer jokes about his name, but because he was paired with Trish Sutter and nobody got to see how talented he is. I guess since they had the same sized foreheads, people thought they would look great together. Hopefully he'll come back for some more next year.

Before Kelly and Alec performed their next step, we got a blooper reel. It was just as entertaining on screen as I have described it. So entertaining in fact, that I decided to watch an episode of The Tyra Show I had Tivoed, so I could get some fast forward time. When I came back, Kelly started talking about how life has changed after being a champion. You know, she has gone from being D-list to C-list or even C-list plus. That means that you can barely walk into a Von's without somebody staring you down in the produce section and wondering if you really are that girl from Playboy. Therefore, you should shop at Gelson's, Mayfair, or Bristol Farms because people there understand your right to privacy. But you should shop with your sunglasses on because that doesn't attract ANY attention whatsoever.

The dance was the quick step, the song Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend, the score 9-7-8.

From John O'Hurley, we also learned how much his life has changed. He wasn't like Kelly, who seemed eager to get rid of her dance shoes, he said that he would do it every week if he could, and we would probably watch. During the show, they always alluded to how difficult it was for John to be dancing with the beautiful Charlotte and spending seven hours a day with her getting down and dirty, and come on, those running pants are thin. And although it's been years since I pitched a tent simply by dancing close to a girl; 40 hours a week with the same one, and something might slip every now and then. But while I was feeling sorry for John's wife, I actually saw John's wife, who is not some 50 year old, past her prime, way too much plastic surgery wife, but a half his age, nearly trophy wife. She was much hotter than Charlotte, and obviously had nothing to worry about.

John and Charlotte did a waltz to "You Light Up My Life." If there was anything that their dances didn't have in the first season, it was the lifts. Maybe John just wasn't in shape, or maybe they were more concerned with footwork. Whatever the case, they are now lifting like mad, but the rest of their routine was great. These two have great chemistry and they dance together like they have been partners for years. Dare I say it looked effortless, and the judges rewarded them well with a 10-10-10. Ha! Vindication!

Before the third and final dance, Jonathan Roberts, who danced with Rachel Hunter, and Anna Trubinskaya danced freestyle to Fields of Gold, with a live performance by Brian McKnight. I would rather have heard Roxanne (Put on the red light!), but it was good performance and Jonathan Roberts can actually lift a person that is not twice as tall as he his. When we heard that Anna was his real partner, not only on the dance floor, but in life, since they were married, I began wondering if he and Hugh Jackman hang out at the same singles bars.

Perhaps the treat of the episode was the focus on the rising stars of the next generation of dancing professionals. We took a little trip to a dance studio where several pairs of children between 7 and 10 years old are training to be professional dancers. I thought to myself, "shit, these kids must get ripped on all the time." And while some admitted that they were, in fact, ridiculed, brother and sister Fay and Dale said they are kind of popular, which obviously meant that they were popular targets for swirlies. Eventually, it turned into an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things, but we got to see them all on the dance floor, and watching them perform their moves with all of their adolescent coordination and body control was quite entertaining. They pulled off some great moves, and you can see how the exaggerated leg kicks, hip thrusts, and arm extensions have to be learned at an early age. They were even doing splits and lifts. I had to immediately put in a DVD of Falling Down because my cynicism levels were running dangerously low.

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Posted by J-Unit on September 21, 2005 11:11 AM