As usual, Thursday night's episode came to us live, or as Tom Bergeron says it, "LIIIIIVE!!!" After that snazzy kaleidoscope opening, we then were greeted by Mr. Hollywood Squares himself along with his flub-filled new sidekick, Samantha Harris. No one could ever beat Julie Chen when it comes to awkward pauses and muffed words, but bless her heart, Samantha's trying her best. Luckily for her, she had a smooth opening, and before long, our stars were parading down the staircase in elegant fashion. This eventually led to an extended pan across their smiling faces with the camera coming to rest unusually long on a bored (or high) (or both) Tatum O'Neal.

But enough Tatum gawking. There'd be plenty of time for that later. First up in the night's dance spectacular was the giant-lipped Lisa Rinna with the rumba (women celebs were doing the rumba, men were doing the quickstep). The aging soap star expressed enthusiasm about being part of the show but noted, "I hope I can overcome my nerves this week." She then added, "Now excuse me. It's time for my breakfast collagen shot."

Lisa then explained to us the intricacies of the rumba: "It's almost like you're having sex on the dance floor." Well, except you're clothed... and dancing... and not having sex. Nevertheless, Lisa and her husband Harry Hamlin -- I mean, her dance partner Louis -- headed to a pole dancing class to unlock Lisa's inner-sexuality. This led to the obligatory "Look at me fall off the pole!" slapstick moments and blah blah blah, we were finally ready to get this party started. The dance was all we've come to expect from a solid rumba: twirls, dips, sultry stares, fake boobies. I momentarily feared for Louis' safety, lest one of Lisa's colossal lips lash him mid-twirl, but he emerged unscathed.

The good new for Lisa was that the judges seemed happier with her this week. "Well, Lisa, you're like a wild kitten, you see!" said Bruno Tonioli, who always seems to urgently spurt out his comments as if you've just caught him racing to the bathroom. Nevertheless, the judges weren't totally won over, causing boos to descend from the audience. "We got our audience from a British soccer match this week," Bergeron joked. Oh, if only. Now that would be a sight.

Backstage, Samantha Harris clocked in her first flub of the night as she said, "Well, there definitely were some good scores, er, comments rather!" Hmmm... I don't know what I like more: former sidekick Lisa Canning's vacuous stare or Samantha's awkward mistakes. Anyhoo, the judges finally raised their paddles, granting Lisa and Louis a final score of 20 out of 30. "I'll take it!" screamed Lisa, clearly overcompensating her disappointment with obnoxious jubilation. That's okay, Lisa. Just take the pain, ball it up, and hide it away in a small place -- like your lips.

Up next was Drew Lachey who last week earned the highest marks from the judges. He should have been brimming with confidence, but lo! When you're at the top, there's only one place to go: DOWN! And no one knows that better than a member of a boy band (although, 98 Degrees was hardly at the top). Anyway, Drew and his bird-ish partner Cheryl kicked off their quickstep with some coy hip bopping, and then honestly, I can't remember much more because I was so shocked by the house band egregiously missing the first lyric of "The Neutron Dance." Why, it's like messing up the "Star Spangled Banner!" I'm surprised Drew and Cheryl survived this most scandalous of errors.

Well, they not only survived, but they excelled. "That was fun; it was fast; it was fantastic!" said Len. "That was supersonic!" said Bruno. "You are the unlikely ballroom dancer!" said Carrie Ann. To be fair, I believe that last plaudit goes to Master P. Anyway, Drew pulled in impressive numbers: 9's across the board for a grand total of 27. No one's gonna beat that!! Or will they?

Next up was Tia Carrere, who managed to go the entire segment without mentioning that she's trying to lose weight. Amazingly enough, the exotic actress admitted to having problems swiveling her hips; so the producers fetched her a hula dancer to help. Of course, this was totally uninteresting to anyone watching; so let's just get to her rumba. Okay, that was uninteresting too. Basically, she danced nicely; however, Tia was incredibly crestfallen about her performance, saying, "Whatever I did wrong, I take full responsibility." Does that include Relic Hunter? Because that was a terrible show.

Well, the judges split on Tia. Bruno found himself at odds with Len and Carrie Ann, causing full-on chaos to erupt -- at least what qualifies as chaos on Dancing with the Stars. Eventually, Carrie Ann put up her hand and said, "I'm not gonna argue," thus bringing the three-way catfight to an end. Now, did I say the fight was chaos? Because we ain't seen chaos yet. Yes, the first scoring controversy of the season occurred when Carrie Ann raised the "8" paddle, but the onscreen graphic registered "7." It's an anti-Tia conspiracy!!! (Tia pulled in a score of 22, btw).

No one's more shocked than Tia.

Posted by B-side on January 16, 2006 2:18 PM