After a little backstage gabbing, we returned to Tom Bergeron who explained that Carrie Ann really meant to say "7" but lifted the wrong paddle (and said "Eight" by accident too? I smell shenanigans!). Nevertheless, Tom cut the tension mounting in the room by saying, "In the ballroom community, that's known as premature paddling." And in the comedy community, that's known as not funny. But then again, you gotta kind of respect Bergeron for always trying to inject every moment with some vaguely sexual comment. Dirty old man.

Up next was George Hamilton, who at last count seemed to have only two original bones left in his body. Yes, he's a reconstructed cyborg with fake hips, fake knees, and a fake tan (Rimshot! Bet you didn't see that one coming a mile away, did you?). "Why is it when you get to a certain age, you finally get your head together and your ass is falling apart?" he asked rhetorically. Who else then had the disturbing image of George Hamilton's ass falling off? Luckily for us, George stays mobile thanks to his crew of chiropractors and therapists known affectionately as Team George. And look! Is that Ahmed Zappa helping George work out? Nope, just some personal trainer.

Anyway, we then cut to George standing on the dance floor, looking debonair with a top hat and cane. Gotta love this guy (although, he's no John O'Hurley). Well, broken ribs be damned. George lit up the quickstep with some flashy solo moves and swarthy footwork, moving the judges to applaud his efforts. "You played every Hollywood character I've ever seen here tonight. Fred Astaire, Clark Gable, Gene Kelly, Cary Grant, and Gary Cooper all rolled into one!" yelled Bruno, whose head might just have exploded had he mentioned one more name.

Backstage, Samantha Harris came through with another Julie Chen caliber flub as she said, "Wow! Fred Astaire and Cary Graahhnt rolled into one!" It's "Grant," BITCH!

As for George, he was his usual jovial self after the dance, joking, "I'm really doing this for my people in the 'hood. People in Beverly Hills and Palm Beach. Yo dawg. Whattup." It was pretty funny; although no one found it more hilarious than Lisa Rinna who cackled uncontrollably in the background. I think some of that collagen has seeped into her brain. Nevertheless, G-Dawg's 'hood should be proud: he managed an 8 from Carrie Ann and two 7s from the fellas, resulting in a total of 22 points. Not bad for an old geezer.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for (okay, the #2 moment, behind Master P.). Yes, it was Tatum Time! Last week, the Oscar-winner seemed barely able to piece together words, opting to twitch her head, squint, and stick her tongue out instead. What awkward moments would transpire this week? Before we could find out, we first had to watch Tatum practicing with her ever-patient partner, Nick. "I think that it's about time that I'm sort of back and showing people that I have all sorts of different talents," she told us. Yes, many talents... like being incredibly inarticulate on live television!

Well, the producers tried to rile up some sort of drama by making it seem like Tatum and Nick -- or Tatuck -- were at each other's throats, but whatever. Let's just see Tates in action. Sure enough, we returned to the LIIIIVE show, and uh oh! Tatum forgot the bottom part of her dress! How incredibly embarrassing. Actually, no. It was intentionally that short (vagina length), but luckily for her, it came with a bikini bottom so as not to reveal all of Tatum's bidness to America.

Anyway, the two performed a shaky rumba to "Careless Whisper," but not even the most beloved of Wham ballads could save this dance. "It was like a trifle," Len said. "The top was fruity, and the bottom was a bit spongy." You heard it hear first: Tatum O'Neal has a spongy bottom.

As the bad reviews continued, poor Tatum looked like she might actually cry (she's so upping her therapist visits after this). You know, seeing her contorted facial expressions and labored, nervous responses to the judges and Samantha Harris, it occurred to me that Tatum is sort of like the Mary Catherine Gallagher of Dancing with the Stars. You just know she's dying to yell out "SUPERSTAR!" (or worse yet, she wants to stick her fingers under her armpits and smell them).

Anyway, for once, Samantha wasn't the most awkward person in the room as she asked Tatum what was different this night as opposed to last week. "I'd like to be in Dan's position," Tatum replied. Oh. Okay. And Dan is??

Well, Tatum's scores were fairly miserable: a 5, 5, and 6, yielding a grand total of 17. As we headed into commercial, Tom joked, "I know what they're thinking. This time she had to find the right paddle." Hahahahaha... huh?

Whatever. Up next was fan favorite Jerry Rice and his evil Bolshevik taskmaster, Anna (a.k.a. my favorite). Because he had to be so fleet-footed in football, the quickstep would be no problem for Jerry. But for the same of all things wonderful and gimmicky, Jerry took Anna up to the 49ers training facility and performed some agility drills. Of course, Anna was impressed but still managed to cut the great one down as she complained about his posture. Best odd couple of the year.

Anyway, we then returned to the dance floor and the amusing sight of Jerry peeking out from the rafters like an anxious bunny. The music suddenly began with a bombastic fanfare, causing Jerry to sprint across the stage and leap to the side of Anna, who was entertainingly dressed as a flapper (headband and all).

It's okay, Jerry. You can come out to play!

Posted by B-side on January 16, 2006 2:18 PM