The two then hopped all around the parquet, eventually ending to the sound of the crowd chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" I said it before the season began (to friends at least): between Jerry Rice's perfectionist ways and his unparalleled popularity, he may be very hard to beat. Sure enough, he pulled solid scores: two 7s and an 8 for 23 total. Later, he told Sammy Harris, "I want that trophy." Well, the good news is that you can probably buy one at the 99¢ store. I believe it was made with cardboard and aluminum foil.

Next was the other athlete of the competition: the beautiful, leggy Stacy Keibler. Coming into this week's competition, her partner Tony Dovolani (who looks like a flamboyant version of Flat Top from Dick Tracy) said he wanted Stacy to feel the rumba. Well, she was feeling it and a lot more. "Len, you won't even be able to handle the sausage that we're bringing to this dance," Stacy threatened, in response to Len's "All sizzle, no sausage" comment last week. Sure enough, Stacy and Tony heated up the dance floor, thanks to her never-ending legs and abs of steel. By the time her rumba was over, it was a foregone conclusion that Tom Bergeron would be making some horny, Pat O'Brien Lite comment. "All right, we're gonna fire up Len's sausage meter," he said, keeping things relatively tame for once (although, later, he did cop a gratuitous feel as he pretended that Stacy had to stay with him on stage for the rest of the show). Well, the "sausage meter" was all a-sizzle as Len and the judges heaped huge amounts of praise on our beautiful wrestler. And hey, remember Drew's amazing second-round scores of straight-nines? Well, try this one on for size: Stacy nabbed a 9 from Carrie Ann INABA and two 10s from Len and Bruno (or Luno, as I like to call them). Yes, that's right. 10s. Last season, we had to wait all the way until the big finale before we saw our first ten. This time, it was right out of the (relative) gate. Grade inflation perhaps? Nah, I'll give credit where credit is due. Stacy was awesome. And leggy. But that goes without saying.

PASSION!

Well, for every peak must come a valley, and this valley's name was P. Miller, or Master P. as those of us in know like to call him. Bergeron provided an apt introduction as he said, "Last week, Master P got off on the wrong foot." Let's not be generous, Tom. I don't think he got off his feet at all. Anyway, we then found P and Ashly in rehearsal where the rapper was unloading on his poor partner, chastising her for going off on him in front of millions of people. Well, dude, you looked like a jackass. Don't act tough if you can't take a little minor whining from the Del Grossomeister. Nevertheless, P explained to us that "She could have pulled me to the side and talked about it." Wow, he's very sensitive. I bet he watches Lifetime Intimate Portrait when no one's around.

Nevertheless, Ashly and Master P buried their hatchet, and as a sign of passive-aggressive good will, the plucky dance instructor even brought her student a little gift: DANCING SHOES! The horror!! P quickly rejected the shoes, tossing them away as if they were covered in dung and scorpions. "You're never gonna find Master P in regular ballroom dancing shoes. That's just not me," he said, adding, "Yeah, I mean, it's not like I'm ballroom dancing or anything. Oh wait..."

Well, after all this fun pre-dance badinage, it was finally time to see P's take on the quickstep, and amazingly, it wasn't bad. Well, I shouldn't say that. It was pretty awful. But in P-World (which does not go by the high standards of Stacy's sausage-meter), this was a vast improvement. He seemed to have a mild spring in his step and actually flexed his knee-joints from time to time. Even the judges were a little kinder on him this week, unilaterally recognizing improvement. But then good ol' Len couldn't resist the zingers: "I suppose you put your hat on that way to get a bit more speed." ZING! Make that OLD-CRUSTY-BRITISH-ZING!

Moments later, Len honed in on P's black sneakers, asking, "Why do you wear those things when you're doing your ballroom?"

"These are my lucky P. Miller shoes," Master P replied.

"Well, put 'em under your hat and get a pair of dance shoes!" Len snapped back. Return of the ZING! With extra bonus points for the hat zing callback! You know, I hear back in England, Len Goodman is the Zing Champion of Northern Essex.

Anyway, Carrie Ann provided some dubious praise, saying, "I saw glimpses of a ballroom dancer... somewhere." Um, yay?

As for the final scores, well, they were a tad low: a six from Carrie Ann and fives from Luno. Still, Master P was unperturbed. After all, he just wanted to show that if you work at something, you can achieve it. Or, in his case, if you do something half-assed and with a lot of ego, you'll fall to the bottom of the pack. Well, Samantha Harris swooped in backstage and questioned P once more about the shoes, to which he responded, "These are my lucky shoes." Exactly how lucky are they? You've received the worst score for two weeks in a row. Well, Samantha awkwardly wrapped up the interview as Ashly bizarrely nudged P in the background, and then it was off to the last dance of the night, courtesy of Giselle Fernandez.

Posted by B-side on January 16, 2006 2:18 PM