As the recap continued, the focus then fell on Tates as Bergeron narrated, "But it was a devastating night for Tatum O'Neal whose fall from grace created the evening's biggest shock." Something tells me this sentence has been said about Tatum O'Neal before.

After the recap finally ended, Bergeron then explained more voting intricacies from the previous night's Paddlegate 2006, a.k.a. the least consequential scandal ever, beating out the much ballyhooed "Tuna Sandwich Robbery of the Omaha Hardware Employee Lounge." Anyway, the big payoff to this elaborate Bergeron moment was that Carrie Ann INABA held up a paddle that said "Sorry!" Yeah, well, you better be, BITCH! This is Dancing with the Stars, not some Johnny-Come-Lately hayseed dance competition.

Backstage, Samantha Harris rounded up the three lowest scorers (Lisa, Tatum, P) and began an oddly grave interrogation of them. "I have a lot of work to do," Lisa told Sam, adding, "For instance, I want another face lift, maybe do my brows, and oh, put another gallon of collagen in my lips."

The questions continued, and man, was it somber back there. I've never seen a Dancing segment with more silence and mournful expressions. The only thing keeping the moment interesting was watching Samantha erratically dart her mic around, never sure whether it should be jammed in Master P or Ashly's face.

As we headed into a commercial break, the camera zoomed into three people on the dance floor, causing Bergeron to excitedly announce, "Oh look! Recording sensation Jesse McCartney!" Really? Is that him on the right in the red and black striped unitard? Probably not.

Actually, that person was one half of the Lindy Hop World Champion duo which took the stage after the break to wow the crowd with various flips and twists. Yes, big league lindy hopping. Friday nights have never been so exciting.

We then saw a fairly worthless segment with the stars all assessing each other ("Who doesn't love Jerry Rice?" exclaimed Lisa Rinna. And by "Jerry Rice," she meant "collagen."), and then finally, the moment we've all been waiting for: Jesse McCartney! Cue the shrieking girls with tears streaming down their cheeks. This little moppet took the stage, and oh dear LORD! This qualifies as singing? I've heard a lot of pop stars in my day, and my mp3 collection is speckled with embarrassing selections from several of them. But this, THIS was one of the worst I had ever heard. I mean, Jesse McCartney makes Aaron Carter seem like a luminary. The guy sounded like a slowly deflating balloon. Or maybe Big Bird singing pop. Or maybe that Lilly Tomlin operator character. The point is, he was a musical disaster in the key of nasal minor. And oh yeah, also completely ridiculous as a choice for a ballroom show.

The antichrist?

Luckily, we could distract ourselves by the smooth stylings of Tony Dovolani and his professional dance partner as they swiveled their hips to the beat. Man, Tony really is the bad boy of the ballroom dance world. I mean, everyone knows a real bad boy wears form-fitting pinstripes.

Now, at long last, it was finally, FINALLY time for the results, as read to us by Tom and Elvira, I mean, Samantha. As expected, Stacy was safe, as well Giselle and George and Lisa (who leapt up and down and screamed with joy. I think somebody just had a safegasm). We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, the field was narrowed down to just Master P and Tatum. Who would be going home? Common sense would dictate P, but could we really lose the season's lone maverick, no matter how heavy-footed he was? Of course not. And so Tatum was sent packing, thus robbing us of future drug-induced hazes and jarring tongue-smiles.

Not everyone took the news well, though. "I'm shocked. I'm shocked," announced Bergeron. Yes, people. Tommy B is SHOCKED! Let it be known! In fact, he even went so far as to passive-aggressive-ize the judges by noting that he didn't Tatum did as badly as some people did (that was directed at you, Carrie Ann INAAAAAABA!!). Well, Tatum took the loss with her head held high, and after some awkward chatter in which Tatum and Tom talked at and over each other, the expelled star took to the stage for one last dance. But wait! This wasn't the rumba. Tatum and Nick were merely slow dancing like two awkward adolescents in 7th grade. Boo! Even weirder was Nick's passionate singing-along to "If I Could Turn Back Time." Thankfully, the moment ended quickly as the cast quietly surrounded the two like an amoeba and gave forced hugs. You could practically hear the producers shouting at Jerry Rice, "HUG! HUG! HUG!"

So that's it. What did you think of the results? Sad to see Tatum go? And who do you think will go next week?

Posted by B-side on January 16, 2006 2:18 PM