The big night began with Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris greeting us from their little perch in the crowd. Seeing how this was a special night, the two came to us decked out in their finest coat and tails. Okay, maybe not coat and tails. More like black tie. Actually, scratch that too. You see, Tom had on a tux, but he marred his classy outfit by wearing an unseemly silver necktie. For shame, Bergeron. This is Dancing with the Stars, not the All-Star Hollywood Squares Reunion Special. As for Sam, well, her outfit seemed fine... for now. More on that later.

Anyway, in proper "We need filler, STAT!" form, we then watched all the previous stars of the season enter the ballroom via the mini-grand staircase. I was somewhat surprised that the producers didn't force the cast from the first season on us as well. Must... kill... time... Actually, the biggest surprise was that the ever-loopy Tatum O'Neal didn't tumble down the stairs. Props to her.

Well, with the band playing a lame rendition of "I Want to Dance With Somebody" (then again, what rendition of that song isn't lame?), the stars boogeyed down on the raised portion of the stage before descending onto the dance floor and swooping across for the audience to see. Kenny and Andrea were first, and in typical Mayne style, he jumped off the stage and acted like the fool he is. And speaking of fools, Tatum and Nick descended to the dance floor next. The troubled Oscar winner immediately shimmied around like an over-eager wedding guest, which might explain why Nick was so happy to suddenly wander off and schmooze with the judges. Of course, this was a critical error on his part because it left Tatum alone to flap her arms spastically, all with a silly smile plastered on her face. I'm pretty sure she was high.

Weeeeeeee!!!!

As for the rest of the couples, their entrances were fairly standard. Jonathan Roberts gave Giselle a nifty lift, Maksim moonwalked across the floor, and Edyta went a little nuts, shaking her ruffly dress all over the place. And then, of course, there was Master P who plodded out with his usual heavy-footedness. Oh -- and Lisa Rinna. She shimmied onto the floor as if the world might explode if she were to stop shaking her chest. I've never seen so many tassels move so quickly. It's official. This was the best Bar Mitzvah ever.

I think Edyta's dress is made from the hide of Sulley Sullivan.

With everyone introduced, Tom and Sam announced that Mary J. Blige would be performing later -- a name synonymous with ballroom dancing, naturally. The camera then pulled out a little to reveal part of Samantha's dress. Granted, we couldn't see the whole thing, but from what had been revealed, it looked as if she had found a black tablecloth and wrapped her legs up in it. Seriously, Samantha Harris is Julie Chen's protégé. Chronic stuttering: check. Bizarre fashions: check. Silly smile: check. I'd love to see them join forces.

Well, seven minutes into the show, and nothing had happened yet. So what better time to recap Thursday's show? Sweet. And so we sat through four minutes of recap (which was good for me since my Tivo had so spuriously shunned the episode). Eleven minutes into the program, the recap ended... for now. Yes, in an effort to create the world's most ridiculous piece of filler material, the producers actually inserted a cliffhanger into the recap, which meant we had to wait through an entire commercial break to get back to the action. Before that though, the camera finally revealed Samantha's dress in all its glory, and yes, it was even larger than I had ever feared. This was not a ball gown. This was a monster. Like Jaws. No wonder why the director had waited so long to show it. I couldn't be sure, but I think she may have been sporting a hoop skirt. And not just any low-rent hoop skirt. I'm talking about a hardcore whalebone hoop skirt. And because I have a mild obsession with looking things up on Answers.com, I was quite amused to find the site's entry on hoop skirts reported, "They can sometimes be seen in the gothic fashion scene." You heard it here first: Sam Harris is a secret goth.

Anyway, fourteen minutes into the show, and we were finally ready to commence part deux of the recap. We got to relive moments like Jerry's triumphant freestyle dance -- a performance leaving me to question why Anna looked so natural in her afro wig. Maybe she's the long lost daughter of Pam Grier. I also got to see Stacy's infamous performance, and yeah, her disco stuff was really lame -- at least, for her standards. Drew was really the man of the hour Thursday night. And furthermore, Cheryl really wanted to hump him too. Somebody get her a cold shower.

Posted by B-side on February 27, 2006 6:47 AM