Everybody Dance Now! - 
by B-side
If you're like me, you've been humming a snazzy little tune in your head all day. A tune that sounds like "Dun dun dun dun duuun dun dun, dun dun dun dun duuun." Okay, maybe it doesn't translate to text. Nevertheless, the ditty in question is the peppy opening theme to Dancing With The Stars, and when I wasn't reminiscing today on Vivica A. Fox's sturdy foxtrot or Tucker Carlson's cha-cha-in-a-chair, I was quietly humming that infectious tune that ABC will be pummeling into our heads twice a week. Yes, the stars are back, and they're ready to cut a rug, or at least trample on one. Last night's season premiere had its share of breakout hoofers (Mario Lopez! Emmitt Smith!) and dancefloor golems (Sara Evans! Jerry Springer!), but sadly, there was no second coming of Master P. How can we call this a legitimate dance competition with nary an embarrassed rapper in our midst?
First things first: let's make some opening observations. The venue has expanded quite a bit, and just as CBS added a dynamic second floor to the Big Brother house two seasons ago, ABC has erected a mighty mezzanine from which avid ballroom fans can view the parquet, not to mention our hosts, the returning Tom Bergeron and Samantha "Marble Mouth" Harris. In addition to the new seating areas, the show also added a modified opening credits sequence. No longer do our dancers appear in the middle of a kaleidoscope jubilee. Instead, they merely swoosh onto the screen, barely even partaking in the visual excitement around them. Silly producers. Don't they realize that half the fun of this show is watching our favorite dancers emerge from a kaleidoscopic frenzy like Venus from a seashell?
Anyway, as the proceedings got underway, we caught a few glimpses of our stars. Joey Lawrence was looking very Boystown with his sleeveless getup, and Tucker Carlson, well, he looked the same as usual: bow-tie, button-down, slacks. Did he even dress up for this, or did he come straight from his news desk? Oooh! There was Harry Hamlin! Oh wait, it was just Louis Van Amstel. Of course, you can't overlook Vivica A. Fox, who came strutting down the stairs in a purple ensemble that made her look like the bizarre love child of a figure skater and Grimace.
And then there was Mario Lopez's partner, Karina Smirnoff who was one skinny combination of abs, mystic tan, and a forehead. Basically, she was what I'd imagine Christina Ricci would look like after a week in Long Island with no food. But enough about the looks. Let's get to the dancing!
Joey Lawrence and Edyta Sllwinska
First up was the man that we here at TVgasm have decided to endorse sight unseen: Mr. Joey Lawrence. Was it smart to attach our wagon to his steed? Uh, not sure yet. Before any dancing could get underway, we were treated to the obligatory segment of Joey in his youth, which meant a brief clip from Blossom where he said, "Uh oh!" No "Whoa!"? What gives? Edyta then came on screen and told us, "My dance is inspired by creatures of the jungle!" And what creatures would those be? Spider monkeys? Iguanas? Ring-tailed lemurs?
The two then got busy practicing their cha cha (men were doing cha cha tonight, women foxtrot), and soon we quickly spotted the reason for Joey's Michael Chiklis look. The pattern of his growing peach fuzz revealed the horrific outline of a sizable bald spot. Oh Joey. You think you could fool us? We may be endorsing you, but that doesn't mean we're going to look the other way when it comes to a Rogaine crisis.
Joey then babbled extensively about how he hadn't danced since he was seven years old (yeah, yeah, yeah. You tap-danced on The Tonight Show. WE GET IT), and then finally, it was time to cha cha! The camera trained in on Joey as the music began, and I couldn't help wondering if a) he was flexing; b) he had greased his arms up with cocoa butter; or c) all of the above.
Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean...
Well, he and Edyta performed a solid routine to a fairly miserable performance of the Bodyrockers' I Like The Way, and by the end, I was fairly certain that if Joey wasn't a gay icon already, he probably will be one now. Afterwards, he proved himself to be the male version of Lisa Rinna as he aggressively thanked everyone around him with overly emphatic head nods and "THANK YOU!"s. He received mixed to positive reviews from the judges. Len and Bruno told him to work his hips more while Carrie Ann INABA said, "You can work on your arms just a hair."
"Okay, arms. Done," Joey said excitedly. His enthusiasm faded, however, when he learned that Carrie Ann wasn't implying that he lather his arms in an extra coating of oil.
As for results, Joey earned sevens across the board for a grand total of twenty-one. It seemed somewhat low, at least compared to last season where the smallest boxstep could earn a ten, but as the show progressed, I quickly learned that the judges had decided to counteract the grade inflation, barely giving out an eight to any duos. Nevertheless, for now, Samantha Harris in her post-dance interview concluded, "The bar has been set!" Yes, and what an unimpressive bar it is. Will anyone be able to get higher than twenty-one???
If Kate Beckinsale and Stockard Channing had a lovechild...
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